Sep 20, 2006 03:04
Suddenly felt like letting go.
Being realistic and realizing things I've always known and believed. This is me, take me seriously.
Living in a world of war, but never wanted a life of war.
I hate fighting. I always have. If someone pushes me to the ground, no matter how much of my pride is lost, I will try to walk away. Oh, I hate fighting for anything, yet I will always be fighting for some things my entire life. For things that I have done, and for things that I will do, I wonder what the univers deems balanced for me to deserve in my future. I have lived a short life, yet I feel so old. I remember everything. Always felt emotions too mature for my severely immature self.
Trust... Ever since then, I've lost a lot of respect for myself. It feels as if I only get respect from my rank, or how good of a marine I am, or how fit I am, or how well I can shoot. Nobody knows me anymore. I'm Bill, always have been. A lot of people hate me now, hate me for WHAT I am, not even caring about WHO I am.
To live a simple life:
#1 - Always looking over my shoulder, trusting strangers, expecting to be betrayed, learning. Always been Bill. Understanding the joy of surviving, but not having the luxury, however temporary the restriction. Trust. Seeing a small Iraqi child with a beautiful smile on her face running to the soldier with open arms ready for an embrace, and she says thank you. Everytime I see it, tears roll down my cheeks, because this small girl's happiness is my happiness. Next day in the next town, another small girl smiling and running to the same soldier with open arms ready for an embrace, the little girl explodes, killing the soldier and wounding many innocent civilians nearby. Everytime I see it, tears roll down my cheeks, because all their family's sadness is my sadness. What kind of people are they, you ask? Let me tell you. Listen carefully, take me seriously.
I've been there, as hot and stinky as Satan's asshole. I remember everything. The taste of the air, the smell of sand mixed with blood from the nosebleed caused by the dryness. So many secrets, and they are right to keep it from the media. No harm in me expressing, seeing as how I'm one person in a blog that scarcely anybody MIGHT read with no pictures to be of any risk. 40 foot deep bunker chock full of Chemical/Biological warhead weaponry. No WMD's in Iraq? Kiss my bitter ass. Why doesn't it ever show in the news? To give them hope... a second chance in life.
Who? The 50 female sex slaves trapped, sick, and starving right there with the weapons. Why is ever stash like this? Why do these same people kill civilians? Why their own people? Innocent people! Why doesn't it ever show in the news? Because we are ashamed. Ashamed that we are powerless to give these girls more. One was 14 years old. We can't take care of them, there's no way. We don't have the resources... Refugee camps are the only way. No choice but to drop them off... no money, no food, but with a little more hope. The look of fear and sadness in their eyes. Someday my world will be more than just life and death. No, someday my world will have nothing to do with any of that, no thinking of living or dying. Save for a few things, everything in my life has been my choice, and I don't regret it, and nobody can question my choice. What am I? I'm a person, take me seriously.
#2 - Things work almost as if coincidences don't exist in this world. Things fall into place too easily, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Like some sort of celistine prophecy. I don't seek to understand it. I don't seek to understand anything. So far this very short life has seemingly felt so long. I am a being of tremendous resolve. It has been wavered once, but it still stands strong. I do not pity myself, I do not fear myself, and I have nothing to prove to anyone, including myself. I hold no significance in being remembered but I have no desire to be forgotten. Come whatever may, but I know for a fact that I have made differences in this world that will ripple far through the waves of time. Every warcry, every single shout of heartfelt pain, every single tear evaporated into the air, every single drop of blood to stain the ground, it was all for something. Who am I? Think back, take me seriously.
I'm satisfied, only having one regret, and even that has hope, however feeble the chance may be. I have nothing to prove to anyone, including myself. I've done almost all that I've wanted to do, seen much more that what I've ever wanted to see. Always living in the hustle and bustle of a city or the gritty life in the field. But speaking from the heart, I would prefer a life in a very small, quiet, and friendly town, running maybe a hat shop or a flower shop. Though I have no objections of living alone, I'd prefer to be with someone who I can love as a friend and be my comrade, living with me. Life would be so much sweeter. Someone who deserves my trust is out there. I know there's someone for me to love closely and will let me love her till I die. Maybe I haven't met her, or maybe I have and just don't know it. It takes a lot for me to give up on anyone. Seemingly, it doesn't take much for people to give up on me. I cannot afford to give up on myself if I'm alone. I cannot afford to give up on anyone if I know how it feels. I'm thankful that I'm alive, becoming happy, getting angry, feeling sad. Even that, I will risk it all to save anyone deserving. I mean no intrusions and ask no thanks. Take advantage of me if it makes you happy, I will be no weaker afterwards than before. I don't mind looking like a fool to give someone momentary contentment... to cause an involuntary smile or laugh. I'm a person who laughs and cries just like any other. What am I? I'm human, sensitive and imperfect. Please take me seriously.
#3 - I'm perfectly sane, but we all have our demons. Looking at the clock showing the time... cannot sleep, even after giving a pint of blood for blood drive and 4 vials for a blood test today... have to go to a 5 mile formation run in 2 hours. Never been afraid of nightmares, but still can't sleep. Fighting off the demons, or moreso the demons are debating against each other... If only someone cared to listen to the things I know. So many things to tell. Nobody committing themselves to be trusted.
How far would you go to save a friend?
'Committing a mistake' is an performing error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc... 'Doing something stupid' is making a poor decision or a careless mistake. Doing enough stupid shit engraves situational and decisional stupidity into one's personality. Mistakes can be forgiven and/or corrected. Stupidity is a condition that some people have: an inability to understand or to profit from experience of oneself and/or others'. If you knew that what you/your friend was doing was wrong, would you go through with it anyway? If so, you have no right to make fun of those inbreds on the Jerry Springer Show. If he was hammered, would you let him drive home? Unforgivable by nature. Sooner or later, someone will be paying dearly, and the cost is always too high. Though that story is for another time, I felt the need to express my feelings on a major event two weeks ago.
Ironically, because of my job, I've learned the value of people, and that NOBODY is expendable. Treating people as people and not stepping stones for someone's future.
Someday I will find peace again. If only someone could be completely honest with me. I don't want to be feared. I don't want to be praised. I just want honesty from someone for once. Please, whoever you are, reader, if there even is one, all I ask is to consider trying to understand me, honestly. Maybe you've never met me, maybe you once hated me, maybe you once befriended me, maybe you once loved me. Who am I? I'm Bill. Speaking from the core who I am, so please take me seriously.