Filling holes and empty souls
Man.. I feel like such a tool. Everyone, literally EVERYONE warned me too. Sometimes though, we only see or hear what we want to. Although I can be a pretty big asshole, I can be a big softie too. I have a hero complex.. when I see someone, especially female, in need of saving, I just can't help myself.
But people need to be their own saviors -- I am. Everyone's life is shitty, everyone's got problems. I can no longer lend my property, time, effort, and particularly emotions with no return on my investments.
God, I feel terrible.. I've been shitfaced wayy too much this week, and for the wrong reasons. I've gotten little sleep. I've been drained emotionally and had my illusions and my mind shattered, and the fragments are struggling to reassemble. And to top it off, my dad's in the hospital right now, most likely getting the news that his cancer has returned. I think he's much closer to death than he seemed previously.. I'm sure he won't make it to '08.
What's worse is, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I mean, he's my father and I love him, and our relationship has improved vastly from the hollow shell it used to be. But in a way, his passing seems to be like something I need. I won't have any restrictions then. I will be able to move freely.. pay ahead a few months on the land and trailer and take off whenever. It's like, after this I will be able to experience life on a new level. I feel so guilty for thinking this way too. Like I'm a terrible person for having these thoughts.
A lot of it has to do with finding someone too. The whore in me is emaciated, malnourished in this place, the skidmark in Nature's panties. There is no one worth fucking even. Those who know me know that I'm only slutty because I never meet anyone who holds up to my high standards of being worthy of more than sex. Imagine.. I'm 22, and now it seems I can't even find someone who's worth a nut. I doubt I will as long as I stay in Dayton, either.
Well fuck it all... right now I'm stuck. I guess I'll just get high and hide from my problems a while longer until I'm in a position to be able to fix them. I'll probably get high then too.
But people need to be their own saviors -- I am. Everyone's life is shitty, everyone's got problems. I can no longer lend my property, time, effort, and particularly emotions with no return on my investments.
God, I feel terrible.. I've been shitfaced wayy too much this week, and for the wrong reasons. I've gotten little sleep. I've been drained emotionally and had my illusions and my mind shattered, and the fragments are struggling to reassemble. And to top it off, my dad's in the hospital right now, most likely getting the news that his cancer has returned. I think he's much closer to death than he seemed previously.. I'm sure he won't make it to '08.
What's worse is, I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it. I mean, he's my father and I love him, and our relationship has improved vastly from the hollow shell it used to be. But in a way, his passing seems to be like something I need. I won't have any restrictions then. I will be able to move freely.. pay ahead a few months on the land and trailer and take off whenever. It's like, after this I will be able to experience life on a new level. I feel so guilty for thinking this way too. Like I'm a terrible person for having these thoughts.
A lot of it has to do with finding someone too. The whore in me is emaciated, malnourished in this place, the skidmark in Nature's panties. There is no one worth fucking even. Those who know me know that I'm only slutty because I never meet anyone who holds up to my high standards of being worthy of more than sex. Imagine.. I'm 22, and now it seems I can't even find someone who's worth a nut. I doubt I will as long as I stay in Dayton, either.
Well fuck it all... right now I'm stuck. I guess I'll just get high and hide from my problems a while longer until I'm in a position to be able to fix them. I'll probably get high then too.