Only the really "cool" kids still use LiveJournal
And we all know how cool I am.
Anyway, I was going through my Microsoft Word documents and deleting stuff that I don't need any more. I found some of my free writes from last year. They're reading responses to short stories or essays. I call them free writes because I basically wrote whatever popped into my head. I thought I'd share some of them with you.
“Photograph of My Father in His Twenty-second Year” by Raymond Carver
“Blueberries, Accordions, and Auschwitz” by Jennifer L. Geddes
I looked so happy in my senior picture. In a way I guess I was, happy at that exact moment the picture was taken. I was having fun with Alison, and our photographer was really nice. The picture does not reflect how ugly I felt; how stupid my face looks because I pick at it when I’m stressed. If you look really closely you can see how my armpits are sweating by my shirt. Gross. You do not see the years of depression, and since it is only my head, you do not see how ridiculously skinny I am from all the weight I have lost. In fact, I would insist that I look fat in that picture because of the distorted body image I have of myself. From that picture of my face you cannot tell that I have an eating disorder. It is not something worth arguing about because as of right now I will always see myself as fat. You cannot see how messed up the bottom row of my teeth are. You can see the bags under my eyes and the smile of that specific moment. That is what photographs do. They reflect the exact emotion of that moment. Was I happy when that picture was taken? It really looks like I was, and I was happy. But overall? No, not really. In fact, in my other senior pictures you can see my smiles become more forced because I was getting tired. Because I have an eating disorder, the obvious difference that someone sees when they see me and when they see a picture of me and what I believe is how skinny or fat I am. In reality, I’m not satisfied unless my bones are sticking out. I know that’s sick and wrong, but it’s when I finally feel like I’m skinny enough. But I don’t want anyone else to have to see that. I want them to see the happy me, even if it is a fat me.
Yeah, I know, I'm pretty emo, and I make no sense. Read on if you want to.
“Mothers and Fathers” by Phyllis Rose
I think many children have similar thoughts that Rose has about her mother and about being a parent themselves. I know I think about how I have treated my mother sometimes. I obviously don’t have children yet, but I think about if I would do things differently from my mom. I think my mom is fantastic, and I definitely don’t deserve her. Although I don’t think that Rose is being overly sentimental, I think she spends more time thinking about this than other people do or would. It obviously bothers her. She seems to almost have a sort of guilt. Not only does she not seem to think that she was a very good daughter, but she also seems to think that she is not a good mother. I can’t say for certain because I’m not a mom, but I think at times all parents have questioned whether or not they’ve done a good job. I know my mom does. Other parents judge her, too - wrongly because they don’t know how my family works. My mom holds us all together. Our mistakes are not her fault. It’s true that my older sister has had problems with drugs, still lives at home, and didn’t go to college. It’s also true that both my twin and I did. It wasn’t up to our mom for us to graduate, it was up to us. Parents can’t be responsible for every little thing their children do especially as their children get older. All parents can do is love their children, try their best to teach them good values, be there for them, and to care for them. So Rose should be content as long as she loved her son and took care of him even if he turned out to be a bad person. Honestly, we don’t know why some people make the choices they do. For instance, in my family both my older sister and younger brother have had drug problems, but Alison and I have not. It’s not that my mom cared more for us or loved us more; my sister and brother just made some bad choices. They knew they were making bad choices, and that my mom would not like what they were doing. I have amazing respect for my mom, even though I don’t always agree with her. That is why I don’t have any facial piercings or tattoos even though I desperately want them. In conclusion, even though I don’t think Rose is being overly sentimental, she is being a little hard on herself. Mothers ultimately want to be happy, so if Rose is happy then her mom probably is, too. (Of course this is kind of hypothetical because I’m not going to have children. I absolutely love children, and I have a lot of love in my heart, but I don’t want to bring children into this world).
Is this getting lengthy? Who wants more? Maybe I'll make another post of them just to amuse myself.
Love and madness,
the smelly angely
Anyway, I was going through my Microsoft Word documents and deleting stuff that I don't need any more. I found some of my free writes from last year. They're reading responses to short stories or essays. I call them free writes because I basically wrote whatever popped into my head. I thought I'd share some of them with you.
“Photograph of My Father in His Twenty-second Year” by Raymond Carver
“Blueberries, Accordions, and Auschwitz” by Jennifer L. Geddes
I looked so happy in my senior picture. In a way I guess I was, happy at that exact moment the picture was taken. I was having fun with Alison, and our photographer was really nice. The picture does not reflect how ugly I felt; how stupid my face looks because I pick at it when I’m stressed. If you look really closely you can see how my armpits are sweating by my shirt. Gross. You do not see the years of depression, and since it is only my head, you do not see how ridiculously skinny I am from all the weight I have lost. In fact, I would insist that I look fat in that picture because of the distorted body image I have of myself. From that picture of my face you cannot tell that I have an eating disorder. It is not something worth arguing about because as of right now I will always see myself as fat. You cannot see how messed up the bottom row of my teeth are. You can see the bags under my eyes and the smile of that specific moment. That is what photographs do. They reflect the exact emotion of that moment. Was I happy when that picture was taken? It really looks like I was, and I was happy. But overall? No, not really. In fact, in my other senior pictures you can see my smiles become more forced because I was getting tired. Because I have an eating disorder, the obvious difference that someone sees when they see me and when they see a picture of me and what I believe is how skinny or fat I am. In reality, I’m not satisfied unless my bones are sticking out. I know that’s sick and wrong, but it’s when I finally feel like I’m skinny enough. But I don’t want anyone else to have to see that. I want them to see the happy me, even if it is a fat me.
Yeah, I know, I'm pretty emo, and I make no sense. Read on if you want to.
“Mothers and Fathers” by Phyllis Rose
I think many children have similar thoughts that Rose has about her mother and about being a parent themselves. I know I think about how I have treated my mother sometimes. I obviously don’t have children yet, but I think about if I would do things differently from my mom. I think my mom is fantastic, and I definitely don’t deserve her. Although I don’t think that Rose is being overly sentimental, I think she spends more time thinking about this than other people do or would. It obviously bothers her. She seems to almost have a sort of guilt. Not only does she not seem to think that she was a very good daughter, but she also seems to think that she is not a good mother. I can’t say for certain because I’m not a mom, but I think at times all parents have questioned whether or not they’ve done a good job. I know my mom does. Other parents judge her, too - wrongly because they don’t know how my family works. My mom holds us all together. Our mistakes are not her fault. It’s true that my older sister has had problems with drugs, still lives at home, and didn’t go to college. It’s also true that both my twin and I did. It wasn’t up to our mom for us to graduate, it was up to us. Parents can’t be responsible for every little thing their children do especially as their children get older. All parents can do is love their children, try their best to teach them good values, be there for them, and to care for them. So Rose should be content as long as she loved her son and took care of him even if he turned out to be a bad person. Honestly, we don’t know why some people make the choices they do. For instance, in my family both my older sister and younger brother have had drug problems, but Alison and I have not. It’s not that my mom cared more for us or loved us more; my sister and brother just made some bad choices. They knew they were making bad choices, and that my mom would not like what they were doing. I have amazing respect for my mom, even though I don’t always agree with her. That is why I don’t have any facial piercings or tattoos even though I desperately want them. In conclusion, even though I don’t think Rose is being overly sentimental, she is being a little hard on herself. Mothers ultimately want to be happy, so if Rose is happy then her mom probably is, too. (Of course this is kind of hypothetical because I’m not going to have children. I absolutely love children, and I have a lot of love in my heart, but I don’t want to bring children into this world).
Is this getting lengthy? Who wants more? Maybe I'll make another post of them just to amuse myself.
Love and madness,
the smelly angely