never had this reoccurring problem before...
1) i'm broke. broker than i've ever been. i tried doing a good thing in saving some money but that didn't go so well. something's gotta pay the rent...
2) my heart is in crisis.
- i'm so fucking alone that's it's been painful lately. i'm dwelling on the past by remembering the dates of years gone by and yes, it's disgusting but it's not him that i want anymore. it's what we had that i crave. i can't seem to remember that it will never come back.
- i'm stuck to a boy that i finally realize would be so good for me but so wrong to be with. i still put our friendship before anything else and i'm feeling like maybe, it's time to draw that line because i can't get any weirder about this. i kiss his face because i love him. i fuck him because i can. but he doesn't want me beyond that. i know that. i can't bar my heart from interfering much longer. i don't want to wait until it's too late because i know i could so easily ruin this but i lust for his attention and i keep deluding myself into thinking that maybe i could make him love me. it's as complicated as it will ever get.
- the one boy that could save me from this madness, the one that has somehow magically made me feel that it's okay to have legitimate feelings for someone else is 8 states and 2,475 miles away. i tell him "you only live once. you should be with her because she's there. she's more of a chance than i'll ever be because of the entire continent between us." the last few days, i got to thinking, i could do this. we could talk on the phone every night, see one another on holiday a few times a year, be happy just knowing that we could be with each other like that... but then i remember that i couldn't hold him over the phone. he wouldn't be there to see me smile when he's made me happy. i wouldn't be there to kiss his cheeks and tell him that i am happy to be with him. i remember that i am just not strong enough. being broke doesn't help that either. it would take an entire month's salary to get him here or me there and i can't sacrifice thousands of dollars a year out of my family's budget because i only make hundreds every month. anything for love? it's not love. thank god. but it's hard to forget. and it's hard to hear him talk about the other girls he as tried dating that he just doesn't click with the way he clicks with me. it's harder to hear him call me beautiful because he has no idea how scarred and scared i am inside. i'm determined to never let him know. what's the point when he's 8 states and 25 hundred miles away?
my heart is so heavy. i've never felt like this before. everything except for the part about money is completely new to me and i fear i'm not handling it well at all. god knows... i'm trying... i just can't.
2) my heart is in crisis.
- i'm so fucking alone that's it's been painful lately. i'm dwelling on the past by remembering the dates of years gone by and yes, it's disgusting but it's not him that i want anymore. it's what we had that i crave. i can't seem to remember that it will never come back.
- i'm stuck to a boy that i finally realize would be so good for me but so wrong to be with. i still put our friendship before anything else and i'm feeling like maybe, it's time to draw that line because i can't get any weirder about this. i kiss his face because i love him. i fuck him because i can. but he doesn't want me beyond that. i know that. i can't bar my heart from interfering much longer. i don't want to wait until it's too late because i know i could so easily ruin this but i lust for his attention and i keep deluding myself into thinking that maybe i could make him love me. it's as complicated as it will ever get.
- the one boy that could save me from this madness, the one that has somehow magically made me feel that it's okay to have legitimate feelings for someone else is 8 states and 2,475 miles away. i tell him "you only live once. you should be with her because she's there. she's more of a chance than i'll ever be because of the entire continent between us." the last few days, i got to thinking, i could do this. we could talk on the phone every night, see one another on holiday a few times a year, be happy just knowing that we could be with each other like that... but then i remember that i couldn't hold him over the phone. he wouldn't be there to see me smile when he's made me happy. i wouldn't be there to kiss his cheeks and tell him that i am happy to be with him. i remember that i am just not strong enough. being broke doesn't help that either. it would take an entire month's salary to get him here or me there and i can't sacrifice thousands of dollars a year out of my family's budget because i only make hundreds every month. anything for love? it's not love. thank god. but it's hard to forget. and it's hard to hear him talk about the other girls he as tried dating that he just doesn't click with the way he clicks with me. it's harder to hear him call me beautiful because he has no idea how scarred and scared i am inside. i'm determined to never let him know. what's the point when he's 8 states and 25 hundred miles away?
my heart is so heavy. i've never felt like this before. everything except for the part about money is completely new to me and i fear i'm not handling it well at all. god knows... i'm trying... i just can't.