yeah...
i'm certifiably insane.
i spent 5 hours reading from the text today and got absolutely nothing out of it. i didn't even finish my discussion due tomorrow. must do that tomorrow. must not forget. atleast i took notes. i don't know how i can read something for 5 hours and retain absolutely nothing. i've never really done that before. i love reading. i love learning. today my head just wasn't in it.
i had a minor break down last night. cried pathetically all over my real journal. it's almost time to retire her and find a new one though, after 3 long years. i don't write nearly as much as i used to. in my real journal nor anywhere else. i miss it when i think about it a bit too hard.
the gist of it, though, was i hate the asshole that broke my heart. i miss my best friend more than anyone should ever miss their best friend. i hate myself sometimes (like now) more than i should (and that's bad when even i know i'm being unfair to myself and my emotions). i'm lonely and i feel inexcusably pathetic and disgusting. even with a job and school (both major aspects of my life that are absolutely looking up) i feel so stagnant. i'm frozen in place, all the while, the rest of the world whizzing before my very eyes and there's nothing i can do to be a part of it or to just slow it down a bit so i can catch up.
all this, of course, is absolutely nothing new as i've whined about this more than once in my few more than four hundred entries here.
it's so fucking unbelievably fresh though, everytime that it comes back around. it's nothing new but it's never exactly old, either.
i spent 5 hours reading from the text today and got absolutely nothing out of it. i didn't even finish my discussion due tomorrow. must do that tomorrow. must not forget. atleast i took notes. i don't know how i can read something for 5 hours and retain absolutely nothing. i've never really done that before. i love reading. i love learning. today my head just wasn't in it.
i had a minor break down last night. cried pathetically all over my real journal. it's almost time to retire her and find a new one though, after 3 long years. i don't write nearly as much as i used to. in my real journal nor anywhere else. i miss it when i think about it a bit too hard.
the gist of it, though, was i hate the asshole that broke my heart. i miss my best friend more than anyone should ever miss their best friend. i hate myself sometimes (like now) more than i should (and that's bad when even i know i'm being unfair to myself and my emotions). i'm lonely and i feel inexcusably pathetic and disgusting. even with a job and school (both major aspects of my life that are absolutely looking up) i feel so stagnant. i'm frozen in place, all the while, the rest of the world whizzing before my very eyes and there's nothing i can do to be a part of it or to just slow it down a bit so i can catch up.
all this, of course, is absolutely nothing new as i've whined about this more than once in my few more than four hundred entries here.
it's so fucking unbelievably fresh though, everytime that it comes back around. it's nothing new but it's never exactly old, either.