so here better than anywhere...
this is the thing... i don't think i'll post this on my myspace because lj is a better outlet for me because i hardly have any readers here and those that i have here won't judge me nearly as much as others in other places. also, i kind of want bryan to see this but i kind of don't. i know if i put it on my myspace, chances are, he'll read it. if i put it here, chances are, he won't. and since i think this will be easier if i just pretend it's solely for him, i'll write it as though i know it's going to him...
my few readers... bear with me. you can stop now if you please.
bryan:
i miss you more than i allow myself to admit to even myself. i know for a fact that if you came back to me, i would take you back without even flinching. after loving you so much for so long, i'd convince myself that everyone makes mistakes and you made a huge one but if you'd be willing to apologize and really commit to me, i would move past it. we've gotten through some really shit times. like with tracy... even though i still want to slit her throat... and in october, when we had the same problem you're going through now, i moved on. i woke up the day after we talked and "made up" and loved you just the same, if not more, than before it all happened. i am so forgiving. more than i should be, maybe. but you make me happier than anyone else in this world. funny how you can hurt me more than anyone in this world as well.
you took me off of your friend's list because of what someone else said. but if you look carefully, i never said anything to hurt you. i didn't ask for my friends to lash out at you. i've been a martyr for you. put myself through so much because even now, i can't blame every little thing on you. i know i made mistakes in our relationship. but i'll admit to that freely. this, though... what happened to us was not my fault and i still hurt beyond belief for it.
i sound like a broken record... i had given you everything that i had to give. i ignored all of the things that hurt me the most. your inability to stop flirting with other girls. the way you let other girls think they had a chance even though we were together. they way you told other girls things that should have been said only to the person that you were with. when we were in big bear, on the morning of our four year anniversary, we made love and you didn't even remember it was our anniversary. you had even texted her because after we made love and i was sleeping, you told her that i was being a blanket hog and that you wished that she was there, even if it wasn't for sex. just to kiss and cuddle. she asked you if you thought i'd be interested in being replaced. you responded by saying that she should ask me. even to this very moment, that hurts me, that you would even just play along like that. on our anniversary. i know i shouldn't have read your texts but it shouldn't have been a big deal because things like that should never have been said to anyone else. i spent the rest of the time being angry, yes, but for what you thought was just for forgetting our anniversary. you had no idea that i knew that you were being "unfaithful," even if it wasn't physical infidelity.
everything i had, you had. everything i got, you got and then some. i put you before i put anyone else, including myself. i went without when you wanted something i needed. and i never ever asked for anything in return but a kiss and a thank you, even though sometimes, i went without that as well. even before my family, and my closest and most loyal friends, you were first. i told you i would follow you anywhere and i wasn't lying. i would readily leave everything behind to follow your love. i used to fantasize about just that, too. the two of us, leaving everything we ever knew behind except for one another. we would go somewhere far and we would struggle but we wouldn't care because we had one another. you would work overnight and come home to me in the morning before you had to go to school. i would work all day at a barely making it job, happier than i'd ever been, because i knew i was going back to a place i called home. i was going back to you.
even beyond the fantasy, it killed me to spend more than a few days at a time away from you but what would keep me happy and going was knowing that after waiting for however long, i'd eventually find myself with you again. i would get up hours before i had to on mornings i knew you were coming over, or that i went over to your house, to shower and shave. i chose my wardrobe after things that i thought you'd like on me. everything down to my shoes and underwear. i lived to be with you again. to feel myself in your arms again. it was rarely picturesque but i the moments there were countless moments when it felt just like a movie. it was perfect to me. the way we'd still be dead tired in the morning so we'd sleep again once i got there. i lived for that one moment when right after i let myself into your room, i would lay on the bed and close my eyes and you would roll over and throw your arm around me, pull me close, kiss my cheek, and fall back asleep holding me. there was hardly anything that ever felt so amazing and so real.
i would have happily let you have your time to find yourself. but then i saw that maybe you just needed to see yourself with someone else after being with me for so long. and that's when it really hurt. because after everything that i gave to you, everything that i gave up for you... every moment in the last four years that i spent trying to make you happy, trying to make you love me as much as you used to... you were willing to give it all up for someone else.
this someone else... the fact that it was her... that is absolutely what hurt the most... the fact that you already knew what kind of a person she was. she had hurt you to the core because you thought you had a friend in her but she wasn't what you thought she was. i was there to pick up the pieces. she even cheated on her boyfriend, who was a friend of yours as well, and you couldn't believe she would do something like that. but she did. it kills me to know that even if it does work out between you two, she'll never have the capacity to love you the way i did. she's proven that beyond a doubt. once a cheater, always a cheater. she laid it out flat for you to see that she could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. even if i'm not the best love in the world for you, you absolutely deserve to be loved better than she would ever be able to.
my heart is breaking into the smallest fragments that cause me more pain than anything i ever thought could cause me this much pain. and as much as i want to believe that i'm doing it for myself, that i'm taking the pain as best as i can, in stride, i'm really doing it for you. so that you know that i am sacrificing the ultimate heartache for you to find your own happiness. even with everything that we have put one another through, i am a better person because of you. you taught me that i can love someone with more than i knew i could. and as stupid and masochistic as it is to believe that when you love something and let it go, if it comes back, you know it's true and real and meant to be, i'm holding on to that. i'm not trying to love you less. i can't do that for how you've touched my life. but i'm doing my best to forget that i love you. that way, if you ever decide that you want me still, i might be able to recall the love that i've always held in my heart for you.
i want you to call me. i'd call you if i knew you weren't going to pick up. i miss the sound of your voice. i want you near me. i miss your smell. junior doesn't smell like you anymore. nor do any of your clothes that i have here. i've smelled them all out. i hug junior every night, hoping somehow, you know it's you i'm thinking of. and i still bring your beads with me everywhere i go. don't be afraid to text me hi. i think i might need it sometimes.
i miss you, bryan. and even though i don't want to, i love you still, with all my heart. i truly hope you find what you need to find in your life to make you happy. i hope that i'm still here if you find that it's me that you need.
:laura
my few readers... bear with me. you can stop now if you please.
bryan:
i miss you more than i allow myself to admit to even myself. i know for a fact that if you came back to me, i would take you back without even flinching. after loving you so much for so long, i'd convince myself that everyone makes mistakes and you made a huge one but if you'd be willing to apologize and really commit to me, i would move past it. we've gotten through some really shit times. like with tracy... even though i still want to slit her throat... and in october, when we had the same problem you're going through now, i moved on. i woke up the day after we talked and "made up" and loved you just the same, if not more, than before it all happened. i am so forgiving. more than i should be, maybe. but you make me happier than anyone else in this world. funny how you can hurt me more than anyone in this world as well.
you took me off of your friend's list because of what someone else said. but if you look carefully, i never said anything to hurt you. i didn't ask for my friends to lash out at you. i've been a martyr for you. put myself through so much because even now, i can't blame every little thing on you. i know i made mistakes in our relationship. but i'll admit to that freely. this, though... what happened to us was not my fault and i still hurt beyond belief for it.
i sound like a broken record... i had given you everything that i had to give. i ignored all of the things that hurt me the most. your inability to stop flirting with other girls. the way you let other girls think they had a chance even though we were together. they way you told other girls things that should have been said only to the person that you were with. when we were in big bear, on the morning of our four year anniversary, we made love and you didn't even remember it was our anniversary. you had even texted her because after we made love and i was sleeping, you told her that i was being a blanket hog and that you wished that she was there, even if it wasn't for sex. just to kiss and cuddle. she asked you if you thought i'd be interested in being replaced. you responded by saying that she should ask me. even to this very moment, that hurts me, that you would even just play along like that. on our anniversary. i know i shouldn't have read your texts but it shouldn't have been a big deal because things like that should never have been said to anyone else. i spent the rest of the time being angry, yes, but for what you thought was just for forgetting our anniversary. you had no idea that i knew that you were being "unfaithful," even if it wasn't physical infidelity.
everything i had, you had. everything i got, you got and then some. i put you before i put anyone else, including myself. i went without when you wanted something i needed. and i never ever asked for anything in return but a kiss and a thank you, even though sometimes, i went without that as well. even before my family, and my closest and most loyal friends, you were first. i told you i would follow you anywhere and i wasn't lying. i would readily leave everything behind to follow your love. i used to fantasize about just that, too. the two of us, leaving everything we ever knew behind except for one another. we would go somewhere far and we would struggle but we wouldn't care because we had one another. you would work overnight and come home to me in the morning before you had to go to school. i would work all day at a barely making it job, happier than i'd ever been, because i knew i was going back to a place i called home. i was going back to you.
even beyond the fantasy, it killed me to spend more than a few days at a time away from you but what would keep me happy and going was knowing that after waiting for however long, i'd eventually find myself with you again. i would get up hours before i had to on mornings i knew you were coming over, or that i went over to your house, to shower and shave. i chose my wardrobe after things that i thought you'd like on me. everything down to my shoes and underwear. i lived to be with you again. to feel myself in your arms again. it was rarely picturesque but i the moments there were countless moments when it felt just like a movie. it was perfect to me. the way we'd still be dead tired in the morning so we'd sleep again once i got there. i lived for that one moment when right after i let myself into your room, i would lay on the bed and close my eyes and you would roll over and throw your arm around me, pull me close, kiss my cheek, and fall back asleep holding me. there was hardly anything that ever felt so amazing and so real.
i would have happily let you have your time to find yourself. but then i saw that maybe you just needed to see yourself with someone else after being with me for so long. and that's when it really hurt. because after everything that i gave to you, everything that i gave up for you... every moment in the last four years that i spent trying to make you happy, trying to make you love me as much as you used to... you were willing to give it all up for someone else.
this someone else... the fact that it was her... that is absolutely what hurt the most... the fact that you already knew what kind of a person she was. she had hurt you to the core because you thought you had a friend in her but she wasn't what you thought she was. i was there to pick up the pieces. she even cheated on her boyfriend, who was a friend of yours as well, and you couldn't believe she would do something like that. but she did. it kills me to know that even if it does work out between you two, she'll never have the capacity to love you the way i did. she's proven that beyond a doubt. once a cheater, always a cheater. she laid it out flat for you to see that she could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. even if i'm not the best love in the world for you, you absolutely deserve to be loved better than she would ever be able to.
my heart is breaking into the smallest fragments that cause me more pain than anything i ever thought could cause me this much pain. and as much as i want to believe that i'm doing it for myself, that i'm taking the pain as best as i can, in stride, i'm really doing it for you. so that you know that i am sacrificing the ultimate heartache for you to find your own happiness. even with everything that we have put one another through, i am a better person because of you. you taught me that i can love someone with more than i knew i could. and as stupid and masochistic as it is to believe that when you love something and let it go, if it comes back, you know it's true and real and meant to be, i'm holding on to that. i'm not trying to love you less. i can't do that for how you've touched my life. but i'm doing my best to forget that i love you. that way, if you ever decide that you want me still, i might be able to recall the love that i've always held in my heart for you.
i want you to call me. i'd call you if i knew you weren't going to pick up. i miss the sound of your voice. i want you near me. i miss your smell. junior doesn't smell like you anymore. nor do any of your clothes that i have here. i've smelled them all out. i hug junior every night, hoping somehow, you know it's you i'm thinking of. and i still bring your beads with me everywhere i go. don't be afraid to text me hi. i think i might need it sometimes.
i miss you, bryan. and even though i don't want to, i love you still, with all my heart. i truly hope you find what you need to find in your life to make you happy. i hope that i'm still here if you find that it's me that you need.
:laura