i don't know...

[usednails]

if we're still together, i wouldn't even know at this point. he won't talk to me. he needs time, he says, without me smothering him. i've given him 3 and a half years of time and i figure a few days might not hurt...

if this didn't hurt so badly already. everything feels like it's going to waste. all of the work, all of the love, all of the time, tears, laughter, friendship... it was all in vain if this goes to hell.

i'm not living until i know. and it's not fair that i have to wait. i have put everything on hold. everything i do is forced because i put on a smile, i hang out, i try to act normal, but if i could have it my way, i'd do nothing but drug myself to sleep all day and night. just wait until this was over, until he's made up his mind.

and as bad as i want to believe that by choosing me, he'd be making the best decision for both of us, there's a huge piece of me screaming that my heart is lying to me again.

i don't know what is going on. i don't know how to feel. do i just wait it out because everything will be fine or do i start my mourning now because i know that this is never going to work...

this is hopeless.

just like i told him, no one, not even us, can come from this unscathed.