"It's not a fashion statement, it's a fucking deathwish"
Just when you think that everything is going fine in your life things seem to catch up with you and explode right in your face. Sure, bad things are a part of life, but a life riddled with bad things sucks...when is it just a part of life and when does it become unfair and too much to handle? But on the other hand, I have it so much easier than a lot of others. I just don't know how to deal with the shit that is being thrown at me. I've come to the realization that things are not what I thought them to be. It was a rude awakening, one that has provoked a lot of thought. Some changes need to be made, but am I strong enough to make those changes? Things could be a lot better if I just got over the fear of myself, what I can and can't do, self doubt. I think I need to start discovering how to make myself happy instead of relying on others, because I'm coming to find out you really can't rely on others. You think they are a certain way and really you have no fucking clue. It makes me sad to know what I know now. I have a feeling of loss and grief, but at the same time I feel so stupid. How could I have not known....but I did know...I just chose not to see it. That's a bad habit that I have to break. It's happened before and I am allowing it to happen again. I guess I just care too much, but maybe I'm caring about the wrong things or not enough about the right things. I can't help it, I enjoy the company of those people and for the most part it's all good, but it seems the bad outweighs the good a lot of times...this time included. I may enjoy their company, but do I like who I am when I'm with them? The more I think about it, the more I'm beginning to think I don't. It's ok to be myself...I don't need them to be an extension of me, to define who I am. I need to figure that out for myself. For the most part I like who I am and think that after a lot of searching I am more content with me than I ever have been before. I know what I want, or at least I think I do. I just have to allow myself to go for it, get what I want....and that's hard for me. I'm mediocre, but I wish for so much more...and if I can't make changes, I'll forever be unhappy. Is this a turning moment in life or will I just let it pass me by, as usual.