mr. self destruct
The night I'd met Buffy miles away from both Sunnydale and Los Angeles was one that I knew I'd always carry with me. I'd spent three months in solitude after her death thinking that it would help me 'work through the pain'. I was a fool to think that running away from the pain and having it haunt me at night would do anything but make things worse. For the longest time Buffy had been the one that mattered. There were others, but with her it was always different. Unexplainable, but so simple at the same time. All in all there was really one word that summed it all up - Buffy.
I wasn't exactly sure what to expect the moment I walked through that motel door and saw her looking back at me with an expression I'd never seen on her. Never. She was.. she almost didn't seem like the same person. For the longest time we sat in silence. Sometimes I'd look over at her and she'd look back. Her eyes were heartbreaking. Where had the spark gone? After I'd come back from the hell I'd been sent to I felt two distinct feelings. Leftover rage from being in that place for hundreds of years and.. protection. Some animal instinct still tucked inside that knew Buffy was still there. I might've not been able to show it, but I felt her with me when she took me to the mansion that night. The only difference now was.. did she feel me?
Eventually, I knew. I was angry with myself for believing that there was some other possibility. After all, what could be worse than being ripped away from a state of pure contentment and forced to live the life of what you considered your former self? Buffy was dead. She'd died and even though it hurt beyond measure, I took comfort in convincing myself she was okay. The day I heard she was alive I let that fly out the window. The comfort I had when Buffy was dead was her being in heaven and now that she was alive it was the opposite. Because what comfort was there in knowing she was taken away from something so perfect and then forced to lived in this hell?
We talked for hours. She admitted how angry she was with everyone. Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara. They all brought her back. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but in the end I knew it was the worst decision that anyone could make. After she'd finished, I understood why the spark was gone now. She still felt dead. Who wouldn't? I wanted to shake all of them. Didn't they understand-..no, they couldn't. They wanted their friend and their Slayer back for safe keeping. The words started spilling out of my mouth as well. Where I'd been over the past three months, all of the past year.. everything. It wasn't easy for either of us, but it was something both of us had to do. Not just for the other person, but for ourselves.
Looking back, I can't remember the exact moment I kissed her. It had been the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do, but deep down knew I wouldn't be able to keep that promise. My mind was screaming at me to stop, to think of the consequences, but I knew there wouldn't be any. At least none that wouldn't show above the surface. There was no perfect happiness for us that night. I even wondered if there was any left at all.
The morning after wasn't as hard as I thought it might be. We both knew that nothing could come of this. It was too dangerous and once again we had to part ways. The moment I kissed her goodbye I felt a longing to ask her to come with me. She could come with me back to Los Angeles or we could leave our god forsaken towns once and for all. I'm not sure if I just didn't get up the courage to ask her or if I convinced myself once again that this was for the best and asking her wouldn't be fair to either of us. In the end our time together ended like it always did. It did just that - ended.
Everyone back at the hotel wanted to know what went on that night I'd spent with Buffy, but knew all the same that they'd never get a word out of me. The days went by too slow. It had only been a few days since that night, but it seemed like so many more. Except at the same time it seemed like I just walked through the doors again. Cordelia acted as if she was worried about the way I was acting, but what was I supposed to do, to feel? She didn't know what happened, but she wasn't naive enough to know that it didn't affect me. So when Cordelia sent me out after getting a vision of a demon attack across town I did what I always did. It wasn't a two person job so I told Wesley and Gunn that I would go by myself yet again. They exchanged looks, but agreed. Better to agree than to get into another argument, right?
That's when it happened.
I had started back towards the hotel from killing the demon when I came upon a small gang of vampires who thought this was their town to do with as they pleased. I always took a couple of stakes with me every time I went out just in case and this time I would use them. Reaching into my pocket to grab the final stake, I frowned when I felt something like a piece of paper crumpled up inside the pocket. Ignoring it for the moment, I pulled out the stake and dusted the last of the vampires. Once the dust had settled I remembered the piece of paper. I nearly thought I'd lost it when I didn't feel it in my pocket again, but then saw where it had fallen to the ground once I'd pulled out the stake.
'You were my heaven.'
At first I didn't know what to think. But that only lasted for mere seconds. Buffy. When had been the last time I'd worn this coat and why didn't I notice this slip of paper before now? I simply stared at the words reading them over and over again. Part of me wondered if she meant the night she'd written it, but yet I couldn't get the thought out of my head that she meant something more than that. That I was.. god.
Oh god.
Remind me to thank her the day she sees my face again. After all that fuss over perfect happiness and how exactly this so-called 'perfection' was reached. In the end it wasn't that trusty little roll in the sack that got soul boy off the way he really likes it. No, it was that little something extra that nearly made me want to stake my own self that brought on my glorious return. It only figured though, didn't it? That something so small and, in my own not-so-humble opinion, nothing more than a slip of paper would be the cause of the reason to bring out the welcoming party. Or in this case lack thereof.
Now that it had finally happened once again, I decided that my girl could wait a little while longer. Couldn't have my sudden appearance in Sunnydale raise any of those pesky red flags. At first anyway. Where was the fun in that? Besides, from the entire 'woe is me' shape Buffy was in at our last meeting, I sincerely doubted that I'd have much trouble finding the same girl once I reached Sunnydale soon enough. After all, I did have some unfinished business to take care of here in LA. That would be simply rude to just pick up and go after Buffy now wouldn't it? They'd done so much for the good 'ole candy ass that he was and I just couldn't simply forget that.
Have to say that I was a little more chipper on the walk home than 'I' had been when I first left the hotel. Whistling when I walked through the doors I got several pointed and confused looks from everyone in the room. Simply smiling, I just told them I 'just had a good kill, that's all' and made a nice comment to Cordy thanking her so much for the vision. The stares didn't lessen any and dammit I was getting hungry. There was no way in hell I was touching the stuff soul boy had stashed in his refrigerator though. I carefully eyed them all knowing what my next moves were, but having just a little trouble with the 'how to and who to first' part of the plan. Luckily, I didn't have to do much thinking because Wesley, 'ole reliable Wes, asked if I'd go upstairs and check on Fred. Crazy little Fred who though came out of her hole in the wall occasionally, still kept herself stationed to the walls up in her room.
She was more than happy to see the face of her former hero of course and I graciously accepted her repeated invitations to enter the room. Smiling slyly at her, I wondered why Angel never took it upon himself to indulge the little girl's fancy. She was a cute little thing and need a good lesson in what having a 'thing' for a vampire like me really meant. Despite her constant jabbering and having to step over the mess in the room, I finally sat her down on the bed so we could 'talk'. Once close enough and even though I felt her confusion of my closeness forming inside of her, I put my hand over her mouth when she still wouldn't be quiet and smiled wickedly. Needless to say I left the room with a warmness like no other flowing through my veins and a lifeless Texan on the bed.
I headed back downstairs and to a group of white hats pouring over one of Wesley's books. Rolling my eyes as I walked over, I turned to Gunn and told him that Fred was asking for him upstairs. Wesley left the lobby for his office, shutting the door and then it was just myself and the cheerleader who liked to hear herself talk more than I did. She left the subject of whatever the hell they'd been discussing before I came back downstairs and started off on how since seeing Buffy that night I hadn't been myself and that getting out there and kicking demon ass was good for me. She obviously had no idea how right she was.
The moment I heard heavy footsteps from upstairs I had already sunk my fangs into Cordelia's neck and just as Wesley opened the door from Gunn's obnoxious yelling from the stairs she had fallen to the floor in a thud. Wesley and Gunn both stared in horror at her body on the ground and then looked at me in some of the purest hatred I've seen this side of a soul. Like in slow motion they came at me and looking back I can't help but think that god, this would make such a great film. Classic really. Such a happily ever after. Wesley was easy enough to knock to the ground at first and after one loud cracking sound, Gunn joined him. Wesley looked at me in horror and as he scrambled around for a weapon, I stood over him grinning. Picking him up and tossing him into the weapons cabinet, I was nice enough to help him back to his feet, pushing him into the wall with my hand gripped tightly around his throat. "How does it feel to watch all of your friends die," I asked him as I neared my fangs to his jugular. A hoarse "Angel" came from his lips just as I sank down.
As I left the building, Lorne himself apparently had decided to pay us all a visit on this fine night. His eyes went wide at the scene in front of him and as I grabbed my coat from the counter, little piece of heaven and all, I simply snapped his neck as I exited stage right. Now that I'd gotten finished with that project that at first I hadn't decided to do so quickly, I jumped in my car and headed away from the city. There was one more visit I had to make and this one would last much, much longer.
I stayed in the shadows for at least a few days, watching her. I'd stand outside her house at night and watch her through the window, climb in her window while she was sleeping, watch her as she patrolled. Tonight was no different. She seemed to be simply fighting because it was what she was expected to do and just like soul boy I missed the spark in her eye. There was one thing I knew for sure though. I knew a way to get that spark back. I knew how to get it back and then I'd turn it into a roaring fire.