The Snowdens of Yesteryear (C)
your doctor puts you under hypnosis to get you to talk. when its over, he plays back what you said, but it doesn't sound like you. it's not you. no. it's a man named shawn talking and crying on the tape. he knew lassiter. he was there when lassiter died. if you could talk to him, you'd ask him the question. the Question With No Answer. "where are the snowdens of yesteryear?"
17.
you finally took things too far. that’s what the doctors said as they strap you into your helmet once again. the tile in the bathroom is cracked and red. but your head is silent. and that’s what counts.
18.
the nurses have to keep you awake tonight. they say you have a concussion and if you fall asleep, you won’t wake up. they bring in tapes of lassie for you to watch, but you want the real thing. you want to go down the well. you want so desperately to sleep and not. wake. up. alone.
19.
dark skin comes back today and brings a box. its sealed and heavy and full of blue-eyed dog’s things. dark skin wants you to open it, but you can’t. not until blue-eyed dog comes out of the well. or until you go in.
20.
shawn gets you in trouble. on the tape, he kept yelling. now a nurse has to stay with you at all times and you aren’t allowed into the bathroom or kitchen. you think you hate shawn. you can’t remember why, but you feel it. and you know. if it weren’t for him, blue-eyed dog would still be here. and then you could count to 35.
21.
you like to watch other people in the hospital. they are all so interesting. and you have to wonder why they’re here. some are obvious. some are crazy. but some just seem to be sad. or angry. or just so very happy. and they all are scared. of you.
22.
you wake up screaming and you don’t know why. and you’re not making a sound. and it is just screaming, but you have no voice. so you scream louder. but. no. one. hears.
23.
the man who sits next to you on the couch steals your pills. that makes him a bad man. only bad men steal. only bad men steal. only bad men steal pills and purses and lives. you want the man punished. but blue-eyed dog is gone. so you let him take your pills and you stay up all night remembering.
24.
they find you one morning in the kitchen, writing on the walls with split-open red palms. for hours afterwards they ask you what 34 means. and why you wrote it so many times. and who is snowden. and you rock in your seat, counting and counting and counting and 32. 33. 34. 1. 2…
25.
you aren’t fit to be on the first floor. that’s what the doctors say. so you’re moved upstairs. people up there are more like you. your roommate thinks he is napoleon. and you never knew napoleon. so he may be right.
26.
no one steals your pills up here, so you are forced to take them. the doctors smile and say you’re making progress. you think you’re becoming shawn. and you don’t like shawn. and you don’t want to be shawn. and you don’t want the pills. but the walls are soft. and you have to take them. you have to take them to make the silence come. so you take the pills and cry.
27.
Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out the window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.
28.
dark skin comes around more, now that shawn is coming back. he smiles and jokes with him and shawn smiles and jokes back and you wait till the night. when shawn is asleep, you flush his pills. and then you sit on the floor and watch the tv and the blue-eyed dog. and you smash your head against the padded wall, which doesn’t bring the silence, but you think it keeps you sane.
29.
with the pills, you remember differently. you remember blue-eyed dog as a man. his lips on your lips. his arm on your waist. his hand in your hair and his voice in your ear. reading page 34. asking ‘where are the snowdens of yesteryear?’
30.
you’re fighting a loosing battle against shawn. you flush the pills, he gets more. and everyone is happy. except you. but you have no voice whereas shawn’s fills the room. so you sit in silence, banging your head against nothing. and you feel so empty. feel so empty. so empty. full of empty.
31.
you only come out at night now. when shawn is sitting up late at night and lets his mind wander. the dead detective haunts him and he feels like a traitor. you don’t think you knew the dead detective, but you hate shawn. so you tell him he’s right.
32.
shawn doesn’t take his pills anymore. he can’t think with you lurking behind his eyelids all the time. so he lets you take over. and that would make you happy. but this isn’t a victory. it’s a nothing. it’s an absence of shawn. and shawn was just noise. so you figure it’s silence.
33.
no one comes around anymore. having and losing shawn makes them lose interest in you. but it’s alright. it’s alright. you swear it’s alright because you don’t know why you wanted them around in the first place.
34.
the santa barbara serial killer was captured. your doctor shows you the article. he asks how that makes you feel. and you look at him and at the article and at the picture of Carlton Lassiter and... 32, 33, 34…
1.
where are the snowdens of yesteryear?
17.
you finally took things too far. that’s what the doctors said as they strap you into your helmet once again. the tile in the bathroom is cracked and red. but your head is silent. and that’s what counts.
18.
the nurses have to keep you awake tonight. they say you have a concussion and if you fall asleep, you won’t wake up. they bring in tapes of lassie for you to watch, but you want the real thing. you want to go down the well. you want so desperately to sleep and not. wake. up. alone.
19.
dark skin comes back today and brings a box. its sealed and heavy and full of blue-eyed dog’s things. dark skin wants you to open it, but you can’t. not until blue-eyed dog comes out of the well. or until you go in.
20.
shawn gets you in trouble. on the tape, he kept yelling. now a nurse has to stay with you at all times and you aren’t allowed into the bathroom or kitchen. you think you hate shawn. you can’t remember why, but you feel it. and you know. if it weren’t for him, blue-eyed dog would still be here. and then you could count to 35.
21.
you like to watch other people in the hospital. they are all so interesting. and you have to wonder why they’re here. some are obvious. some are crazy. but some just seem to be sad. or angry. or just so very happy. and they all are scared. of you.
22.
you wake up screaming and you don’t know why. and you’re not making a sound. and it is just screaming, but you have no voice. so you scream louder. but. no. one. hears.
23.
the man who sits next to you on the couch steals your pills. that makes him a bad man. only bad men steal. only bad men steal. only bad men steal pills and purses and lives. you want the man punished. but blue-eyed dog is gone. so you let him take your pills and you stay up all night remembering.
24.
they find you one morning in the kitchen, writing on the walls with split-open red palms. for hours afterwards they ask you what 34 means. and why you wrote it so many times. and who is snowden. and you rock in your seat, counting and counting and counting and 32. 33. 34. 1. 2…
25.
you aren’t fit to be on the first floor. that’s what the doctors say. so you’re moved upstairs. people up there are more like you. your roommate thinks he is napoleon. and you never knew napoleon. so he may be right.
26.
no one steals your pills up here, so you are forced to take them. the doctors smile and say you’re making progress. you think you’re becoming shawn. and you don’t like shawn. and you don’t want to be shawn. and you don’t want the pills. but the walls are soft. and you have to take them. you have to take them to make the silence come. so you take the pills and cry.
27.
Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out the window and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.
28.
dark skin comes around more, now that shawn is coming back. he smiles and jokes with him and shawn smiles and jokes back and you wait till the night. when shawn is asleep, you flush his pills. and then you sit on the floor and watch the tv and the blue-eyed dog. and you smash your head against the padded wall, which doesn’t bring the silence, but you think it keeps you sane.
29.
with the pills, you remember differently. you remember blue-eyed dog as a man. his lips on your lips. his arm on your waist. his hand in your hair and his voice in your ear. reading page 34. asking ‘where are the snowdens of yesteryear?’
30.
you’re fighting a loosing battle against shawn. you flush the pills, he gets more. and everyone is happy. except you. but you have no voice whereas shawn’s fills the room. so you sit in silence, banging your head against nothing. and you feel so empty. feel so empty. so empty. full of empty.
31.
you only come out at night now. when shawn is sitting up late at night and lets his mind wander. the dead detective haunts him and he feels like a traitor. you don’t think you knew the dead detective, but you hate shawn. so you tell him he’s right.
32.
shawn doesn’t take his pills anymore. he can’t think with you lurking behind his eyelids all the time. so he lets you take over. and that would make you happy. but this isn’t a victory. it’s a nothing. it’s an absence of shawn. and shawn was just noise. so you figure it’s silence.
33.
no one comes around anymore. having and losing shawn makes them lose interest in you. but it’s alright. it’s alright. you swear it’s alright because you don’t know why you wanted them around in the first place.
34.
the santa barbara serial killer was captured. your doctor shows you the article. he asks how that makes you feel. and you look at him and at the article and at the picture of Carlton Lassiter and... 32, 33, 34…
1.
where are the snowdens of yesteryear?