My roomate and I
Well, we just talked for a few hours. I feel like an asshole still. not much has changed there. I feel really insecure in myself, and projected all these horrible events on my wife. I can even rationalize it all in my head; i wanted to know what was going on. The sad thing is, i have just lost my closest friend, even if our friendship feels kind of hollow. I guess i am projecting my inner into my creation: emptiness, disconnectedness, forgetfulness. I have fallen off the path; it is not a visible path that one trips off of or wanders off of like a sidewalk or street. It is the path to re-membering who i am. I don't like who i am. I feel inadequate in every way. I feel anxiety being around too many new people. Such situations always leave me feeling like a retard. I tried to explain where I think it comes from, yet no one seems to relate besides those that have been there. And yet, perhaps it is me trying to be a victim in this crazy world all on my own.
My lover is leaving me and moving on. She is really upset it seems to me because i can not be her friend after being in a relationship and living under the same roof. To me, it seems pretty clear. It bothers me to think of someone else touching her, making her feel good, as i could not. Perhaps it is that i really don't want to lose her that makes me so jealous. I just know that thinking of her being with others is driving me nuts, and i desperately need what little sanity i had back to cope and get out of bed in the morning. And here I am, typing this shit because i have no friends or no ability to talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings. My one friend I am pushing away because i know i make her miserable and i have no confidence in myself to have the strength needed to change. I can't make a decision about anything. We went back and forth about why she was leaving; she kept stating i wanted her to go. But i can't go from relationship to friend and live under the same roof. It just doesn't seem like something i can handle. I have broken up many times before, and i was never able to be friends. The new boundaries make the situation uncomfortable to say the least, and i need to get my life in some sick semblance of balance. I feel turned all upside down right now; i can't sleep, i feel like i am going to puke and like i can't eat.
I feel like, truly this is how low i see myself, i am doing her a favor. Yeah, that is my opinion of self; no wonder i can't relate in a positive way with anyone.
It is funny how in a relationship you remember every single little slight from ages past. And with each new one, we build a wall that goes up. It is a formidable barrier, and we build it higher and higher. Once the wall is in place, it seems impenetrable and you just want to give up to save the person you care about more pain; the pain of being in your presence. Yet they are one of the few things in your life you treasure, in your own introspective way.
But once the wall is erected, it seems to difficult to remove, and instead of chipping away at it, which i don't know how to do, you keep piling it higher and wider. Each slight has taken on all sorts of nuances that the mind adds later. The angry little computer, who seems like who i am these days, just spins it like a GOP propaganda machine: Clear skies=increased pollution. And polluted is how i feel, if i could find a word. I don't know how to dillute it, or rather i feel like i need someone to hold my hand and drag me to the hose to rinse/dillute, and my hand is now empty. I have built the Great Wall of China 10 times over, and there is no getting around it. I have shit on the closest person in the world to me, and maybe i have driven her completely out of my life forever. The perfection in the pain? This doesn't feel like perfection, yet maybe she is right and that is what it is all about=experiencing non-perfection. Maybe when we wake from the dream we will remember. I feel more like i have missed an opportunity to remember with her than anything though. She said i taught her something about manifesting your needs. Maybe i have taught her other somethings like how not to live, how to spot a loser, and how to recognize when you deserve better. I hope i have helped her in some way, cause i feel like a big fat turd sandwich, maybe even a deusche as well. I keep thinking that i am doing her a favor, helping her get away from me, but i can't tell if it is what is the right thing to say. I don't want her to go, but i can't stand here and be tortured watching her move on with her life. The constant reminder of what i had and that it is gone would torture me, literally. I don't think i have the strength for that.
I just want to die, so the pain will go away. Still trying to escape, as usual. I want to know how to be the pillar anchored in the sand when the tide is rolling in. In it, but not of it. Taking life as it comes, no attachments. But i feel like i have fallen so far from the path, i just can't do it.
My lover is leaving me and moving on. She is really upset it seems to me because i can not be her friend after being in a relationship and living under the same roof. To me, it seems pretty clear. It bothers me to think of someone else touching her, making her feel good, as i could not. Perhaps it is that i really don't want to lose her that makes me so jealous. I just know that thinking of her being with others is driving me nuts, and i desperately need what little sanity i had back to cope and get out of bed in the morning. And here I am, typing this shit because i have no friends or no ability to talk to anyone about my thoughts and feelings. My one friend I am pushing away because i know i make her miserable and i have no confidence in myself to have the strength needed to change. I can't make a decision about anything. We went back and forth about why she was leaving; she kept stating i wanted her to go. But i can't go from relationship to friend and live under the same roof. It just doesn't seem like something i can handle. I have broken up many times before, and i was never able to be friends. The new boundaries make the situation uncomfortable to say the least, and i need to get my life in some sick semblance of balance. I feel turned all upside down right now; i can't sleep, i feel like i am going to puke and like i can't eat.
I feel like, truly this is how low i see myself, i am doing her a favor. Yeah, that is my opinion of self; no wonder i can't relate in a positive way with anyone.
It is funny how in a relationship you remember every single little slight from ages past. And with each new one, we build a wall that goes up. It is a formidable barrier, and we build it higher and higher. Once the wall is in place, it seems impenetrable and you just want to give up to save the person you care about more pain; the pain of being in your presence. Yet they are one of the few things in your life you treasure, in your own introspective way.
But once the wall is erected, it seems to difficult to remove, and instead of chipping away at it, which i don't know how to do, you keep piling it higher and wider. Each slight has taken on all sorts of nuances that the mind adds later. The angry little computer, who seems like who i am these days, just spins it like a GOP propaganda machine: Clear skies=increased pollution. And polluted is how i feel, if i could find a word. I don't know how to dillute it, or rather i feel like i need someone to hold my hand and drag me to the hose to rinse/dillute, and my hand is now empty. I have built the Great Wall of China 10 times over, and there is no getting around it. I have shit on the closest person in the world to me, and maybe i have driven her completely out of my life forever. The perfection in the pain? This doesn't feel like perfection, yet maybe she is right and that is what it is all about=experiencing non-perfection. Maybe when we wake from the dream we will remember. I feel more like i have missed an opportunity to remember with her than anything though. She said i taught her something about manifesting your needs. Maybe i have taught her other somethings like how not to live, how to spot a loser, and how to recognize when you deserve better. I hope i have helped her in some way, cause i feel like a big fat turd sandwich, maybe even a deusche as well. I keep thinking that i am doing her a favor, helping her get away from me, but i can't tell if it is what is the right thing to say. I don't want her to go, but i can't stand here and be tortured watching her move on with her life. The constant reminder of what i had and that it is gone would torture me, literally. I don't think i have the strength for that.
I just want to die, so the pain will go away. Still trying to escape, as usual. I want to know how to be the pillar anchored in the sand when the tide is rolling in. In it, but not of it. Taking life as it comes, no attachments. But i feel like i have fallen so far from the path, i just can't do it.