How Do i REALLY feel about friendship with X
So, my X-girlfriend wants to be my friend. Now she wants to have a close friendship and be open about our relationship and I am supposed to be happy or interested in this. What a crock of shit. Three weeks ago, when i wanted an explanation, she didn't want to talk about it. When it was my birthday, she was too busy to be there for me and call when i could speak. Same thing with Christmas and New Years... fuck her. I am tired of being shit on by her... so why should i even WANT to be her friend?
So i am supposed to care about her feelings... this was what she said when we hung out last week. I am through caring about her feelings, as i wasn't being treated that way in my opinion. When she dumped me, she lost any right to being someone whose feelings matterred to me. She said this is just as hard on her... I can't tell... couldn't tell; seems like she has picked up with dude just fine, and i can't even imagine being part of this new scene of hers. I hear the words, dude, but still the same actions...
And she wants me to be happy coming in second on her list, when it was never coming in first the last few months that made me crazy? Fuck that too.
I don't know what this is even about... she has stated we are not even compatible in her opinion anymore, I am pretty sure i don't want to be with her either NOW, so what is the point? She says she misses my my friendship... yet where was she when i was trying to hang with her and make some sense of this? Karma is a motherfucker sometimes... and i don't want any part of her spiritual experiment or her need to feel better about how she left me, to help her get through her guilt or something, as i am not responsible for her feelings or any part of her life anymore. She dumped me... and i am just trying to accept that, and get on with my life. This is not my problem.... once shit has been dropped on the head of another, it can't be taken back. So learn from this... if she wants to be friends, she needed to do better than she did. Lies and deception and just plain bullshit is not what i want from my friends either. I don't really have any desire to be her friend lately. I miss her, but i don't want to be around her now... i am over it. I don't want to participate in your evolution through rehashing the past. It is different when you were dumped... It is different when you don't have someone new. So fuck her.
I kinda feel like fuck her and her suffering, almost glad to finally see i mattered, but it is way too little too late. And i don't like getting off on someone else feeling my pain... it is kinda fucking sick to think about, yet i do, so i need to stop fucking with her. There is no room in my relationship with my self for her anymore, and we are even, i suppose.
I caught myself wanting to be nice to her, to do what she wanted... and i realized: that was just my sick ass mind wanting her to want me still... wanting to do things to please her. I am getting good about recognizing that and being more aware of it so i can put a stop to it before it gets out of control.
So this has been stuck in me for a few days, really wanting to get out. No friendship. Just fucking leave already. I don't want to sit around and hear about how i should have not taken you for granted when i had the chance... fuck that especially. Men don't like lost causes. I mean, if you work hard to please someone, and nothing you do works, you start to wonder if something is wrong with you too, as you don't seen to be enough to make them smile. I realize now, it wasn't me, and i should have been working on my own smiles, yet I put a lot of energy into generating those smiles, to paying bills so she would have to be bothered by working for "the man." I feel pretty kicked to the curb at a fucked up time, and i feel like this chick still expects something from me, and i am like fuck THAT TOO!
I know where to find her if i change my mind, unless i don't and she doesn't want to be found--which is fine by me too, as i have already written this off. How is that for handling change?
I don't care if it bothers her i want to forget her involvement in my life. That is not my problem. And it works for me.
So i am supposed to care about her feelings... this was what she said when we hung out last week. I am through caring about her feelings, as i wasn't being treated that way in my opinion. When she dumped me, she lost any right to being someone whose feelings matterred to me. She said this is just as hard on her... I can't tell... couldn't tell; seems like she has picked up with dude just fine, and i can't even imagine being part of this new scene of hers. I hear the words, dude, but still the same actions...
And she wants me to be happy coming in second on her list, when it was never coming in first the last few months that made me crazy? Fuck that too.
I don't know what this is even about... she has stated we are not even compatible in her opinion anymore, I am pretty sure i don't want to be with her either NOW, so what is the point? She says she misses my my friendship... yet where was she when i was trying to hang with her and make some sense of this? Karma is a motherfucker sometimes... and i don't want any part of her spiritual experiment or her need to feel better about how she left me, to help her get through her guilt or something, as i am not responsible for her feelings or any part of her life anymore. She dumped me... and i am just trying to accept that, and get on with my life. This is not my problem.... once shit has been dropped on the head of another, it can't be taken back. So learn from this... if she wants to be friends, she needed to do better than she did. Lies and deception and just plain bullshit is not what i want from my friends either. I don't really have any desire to be her friend lately. I miss her, but i don't want to be around her now... i am over it. I don't want to participate in your evolution through rehashing the past. It is different when you were dumped... It is different when you don't have someone new. So fuck her.
I kinda feel like fuck her and her suffering, almost glad to finally see i mattered, but it is way too little too late. And i don't like getting off on someone else feeling my pain... it is kinda fucking sick to think about, yet i do, so i need to stop fucking with her. There is no room in my relationship with my self for her anymore, and we are even, i suppose.
I caught myself wanting to be nice to her, to do what she wanted... and i realized: that was just my sick ass mind wanting her to want me still... wanting to do things to please her. I am getting good about recognizing that and being more aware of it so i can put a stop to it before it gets out of control.
So this has been stuck in me for a few days, really wanting to get out. No friendship. Just fucking leave already. I don't want to sit around and hear about how i should have not taken you for granted when i had the chance... fuck that especially. Men don't like lost causes. I mean, if you work hard to please someone, and nothing you do works, you start to wonder if something is wrong with you too, as you don't seen to be enough to make them smile. I realize now, it wasn't me, and i should have been working on my own smiles, yet I put a lot of energy into generating those smiles, to paying bills so she would have to be bothered by working for "the man." I feel pretty kicked to the curb at a fucked up time, and i feel like this chick still expects something from me, and i am like fuck THAT TOO!
I know where to find her if i change my mind, unless i don't and she doesn't want to be found--which is fine by me too, as i have already written this off. How is that for handling change?
I don't care if it bothers her i want to forget her involvement in my life. That is not my problem. And it works for me.