(no subject)
Lately, I've seriously doubted whether or not I want to have children in the future.
I always dreamed of having my own family. I always wanted to get married, to have kids...which I think is normal for most people. But for a while, after countless prayers and doubts and questions, I believed that that was the life God was pointing me to. I believed that God was calling me to marriage, and to have a family of my own.
I did. I believed that.
Now though...I'm not so sure. No one, no one thinks I'm trying over there, but I am. I swear I am. But they don't believe me. And I feel like they don't believe in me. And the more I try, the more I feel like I'm becoming someone who I've been told, over and over, to change and control. Someone who I don't like...I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.
And yet, for all that I try, it's never good enough. I am never good enough. And it causes me to question my own future, my own calling. It calls up doubts about...about what will happen if I had kids of my own.
I've stuck with this job for a lot of reason. But the biggest one was because I thought God had a purpose for me there, that He had a reason for me to be there. But so far, all I've gotten out of this is a warning that I'd make a terrible mother.
When I started working there, I was even told that it could be like "training for the time I had my own family." And maybe I shouldn't have, but I took that seriously. So I told myself, if I could handle working there, it would help prepare me for the children I would have in the future. I thought that how I behaved at work would shape and reflect how I'd behave with my own kids.
But I've seen the way I am at work. And every day when I get home, I find myself thinking, "If that's what it's going to be like...if that's how I am going to be...then it might be better if I never have kids at all."
And to be honest, that kind of frightens me. Part of me, deep down, still really wants those children...wants to have a family. But another part, the one that's currently winning, is scared for those kids. I'm worried about how I'll treat them, about how they'll turn out, or if I'll be able to give them the proper love and care that they deserve. Right now, I seriously doubt that I could.
And then I start to wonder about other things. I fully believed, with all my heart, that God called me to marriage. And yet, with all these thoughts, I think that I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that that's what God called me to do. I saw the signs, but I interpreted them in a completely different way. And all the pain and confusion that I've been going through for the past year is because I was too stupid to understand just what was going on, and only saw what I wanted to see.
Then all the old doubts and ugly thoughts come back, things that I thought I had come to terms with long ago. Thoughts that all culminate to the one burning question that comes to mind when I thought I couldn't possibly get any lower: "What guy would want me, anyway?"
Especially nowadays. My brother has told me, repeatedly, that I've gotten a lot angrier and much more bitter ever since I started working at my job. And he's absolutely right. It's just another way I label myself undesirable to others. Not just guys who could be potential husbands, but other people in general. And I try so hard to fight it, to hide it, but it always manages to break free and reveal the worst of myself to others.
I've never told anyone of these doubts before. Not even a friend, the one who would possibly be the most sympathetic to me because she works where I do. But I haven't told her, or anyone, because I'm so used to not being heard or being written off, that I would rather stay silent than feel like I'm not important enough to be heard.
And if my friend is reading this now, then I'm sorry. I love you, I do, and I'm sorry I never told you anything before. But honestly, I felt like I couldn't. The few times I ever did tell you anything, you always felt so indifferent to my feelings, and the only advice you ever really gave me was essentially, "Suck it up and deal with it." There were too many times when it felt like you didn't care, so it was just easier not to tell you.
But now I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending things are okay when they clearly are not.
I disabled comments because I'm not looking for sympathy right now. Though I know people out there care, and I thank all of you for your prayers/thoughts/good wishes. The only reason I posted this was because I wanted to get this off my chest. Because I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up inside, holding it in and feeling like I'm going to burst. I'm tired of putting myself down, and telling myself that my thoughts, my feelings...that I don't matter.
I always dreamed of having my own family. I always wanted to get married, to have kids...which I think is normal for most people. But for a while, after countless prayers and doubts and questions, I believed that that was the life God was pointing me to. I believed that God was calling me to marriage, and to have a family of my own.
I did. I believed that.
Now though...I'm not so sure. No one, no one thinks I'm trying over there, but I am. I swear I am. But they don't believe me. And I feel like they don't believe in me. And the more I try, the more I feel like I'm becoming someone who I've been told, over and over, to change and control. Someone who I don't like...I'm becoming someone I don't want to be.
And yet, for all that I try, it's never good enough. I am never good enough. And it causes me to question my own future, my own calling. It calls up doubts about...about what will happen if I had kids of my own.
I've stuck with this job for a lot of reason. But the biggest one was because I thought God had a purpose for me there, that He had a reason for me to be there. But so far, all I've gotten out of this is a warning that I'd make a terrible mother.
When I started working there, I was even told that it could be like "training for the time I had my own family." And maybe I shouldn't have, but I took that seriously. So I told myself, if I could handle working there, it would help prepare me for the children I would have in the future. I thought that how I behaved at work would shape and reflect how I'd behave with my own kids.
But I've seen the way I am at work. And every day when I get home, I find myself thinking, "If that's what it's going to be like...if that's how I am going to be...then it might be better if I never have kids at all."
And to be honest, that kind of frightens me. Part of me, deep down, still really wants those children...wants to have a family. But another part, the one that's currently winning, is scared for those kids. I'm worried about how I'll treat them, about how they'll turn out, or if I'll be able to give them the proper love and care that they deserve. Right now, I seriously doubt that I could.
And then I start to wonder about other things. I fully believed, with all my heart, that God called me to marriage. And yet, with all these thoughts, I think that I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking that that's what God called me to do. I saw the signs, but I interpreted them in a completely different way. And all the pain and confusion that I've been going through for the past year is because I was too stupid to understand just what was going on, and only saw what I wanted to see.
Then all the old doubts and ugly thoughts come back, things that I thought I had come to terms with long ago. Thoughts that all culminate to the one burning question that comes to mind when I thought I couldn't possibly get any lower: "What guy would want me, anyway?"
Especially nowadays. My brother has told me, repeatedly, that I've gotten a lot angrier and much more bitter ever since I started working at my job. And he's absolutely right. It's just another way I label myself undesirable to others. Not just guys who could be potential husbands, but other people in general. And I try so hard to fight it, to hide it, but it always manages to break free and reveal the worst of myself to others.
I've never told anyone of these doubts before. Not even a friend, the one who would possibly be the most sympathetic to me because she works where I do. But I haven't told her, or anyone, because I'm so used to not being heard or being written off, that I would rather stay silent than feel like I'm not important enough to be heard.
And if my friend is reading this now, then I'm sorry. I love you, I do, and I'm sorry I never told you anything before. But honestly, I felt like I couldn't. The few times I ever did tell you anything, you always felt so indifferent to my feelings, and the only advice you ever really gave me was essentially, "Suck it up and deal with it." There were too many times when it felt like you didn't care, so it was just easier not to tell you.
But now I'm just tired. I'm tired of pretending things are okay when they clearly are not.
I disabled comments because I'm not looking for sympathy right now. Though I know people out there care, and I thank all of you for your prayers/thoughts/good wishes. The only reason I posted this was because I wanted to get this off my chest. Because I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up inside, holding it in and feeling like I'm going to burst. I'm tired of putting myself down, and telling myself that my thoughts, my feelings...that I don't matter.