Kind of dark.
Conflicted.
If only I can perfectly articulate how I feel.
That there's this button for me to press, and I'll just say whatever I have in my mind, in the right tone, and leaving out unnecessary hurtful words and confusing emotions. Basically... saying out whatever it is exactly that I wish for you to hear.
I find it an awfully taxing act to explain myself without freaking out or sounding weird or wrong or unconfident and insecure.
Yeah. If only there's this button.
No, not blurting out everything in my mind.
But saying the right things that I've wished to say, just based on how exactly i feel and want it to be put forward.
Perhaps always judging people's reaction to the words, only adds on to the thought that I am being judged by what I'm saying.
Perhaps I wouldn't be so hesitant in speaking my mind, if I grew up in an environment where I wasn't being put down so much.
Words can be so powerful when uttered to you every day. Especially by a mother figure.
I've always dislike it when people sound so absolute about their opinions regarding someone else.
I think i am guilty of that. But still. I find myself often tempted to lash out if it comes out from the mouth of a... respectable figure.
"你很笨！你为什么会这么笨！"
"看到你就觉得很丢脸！"
"你跟他一样，一模一样！你是野种！"
"你一定是神经有问题"
There's one i like best.
“你以后长大一定会是个神经病。 你头脑有问题！疯疯癫癫！你看你以后一定进精神病院。我看你现在就有问题”
The absoluteness of her words. It is very powerful. I think. The amount of hate she has for me is so overwhelming.
Honestly. I don't remember what I've done. I didn't think that there was something wrong with her too. Now that i think about it, maybe she was depressed then.
Thinking about it now. I don't think it's something that can easily resolved just because you suddenly realised one day that you treated me like dirt and tried to do something nice for a change.
But we are still working on it.
On a side note. There are a lot of words in which i am very sensitive towards. Those mentioned above are in my top 10 list. lol.
神经 and 精神病 are words that you should try not to direct at me.
For I'm not sure how i would react to these words.
I might really become one towards you.
I'm certain that if she continued that for a few more years, i would most certainly be a 神经病 by the time she's done with me.It might be a self-fulfilling prophecy or I'm cursed by her or what she's saying is the truth. It's the absolute truth. That there is something wrong with me.
Oh oh. And 偏心 is a topic I'm very touchy about too. I have horribly much to say about this. lol.
Well, the mental state is very frail.
I'll have you know that it is very frail.
I think you would have died from heart attack if i said the same words you've said to me to you now.
I don't doubt those movie plots in which the kids or adults are mentally warped because of what their parents did.
I think it is total bullshit that anyone has every TOTALLY recovered from these kind of things.
To me, it's kind of permanently etched in my mind. The voice, the words. The actions. All that screaming. And that threatening.
This is why.. I regarded a whole bunch of my friends as my family. Though we haven't been talking much these few years. I still regard them as one. Because they are the closest thing i could ever have as a family in my growing up years. They have been accepting, protective and never hesitated to point out my wrongs and give alternate points of view.
That they will always be.
Which is why it disturbs me so much when someone who's supposed to guide you is so assuming about what you have done or what you have not done. Or that he or she thinks that it's so easy to accomplish what you have not. I detest that assuming nature. For I am not you. I have much more to say about the kind of guidance from a teacher that I really need. I'm not saying that it's the wrong or right way. Neither do i know the wrong or the right way. But I'm just saying that the kind of guidance i need is just not this.
And to be honest. Most of the fault does lie on me. For i do not sought people whom I am afraid of out. I don't ask for help from anyone except the ones I'm close to. But on this issue, i would definitely have sought you out if i know you have what i want. But you just don't. I really really believe that you cannot answer my questions which is why i didn't sought you out.
I probably need people to tell me every day that "you can do it" to counter that 14 years of "你没有用！"
For I, myself, do not have the faith that I can do it. To keep reminding myself that 'I can do it' takes a lot out of me.
There's this fight inside me. What is true? What is not?
And right in front of me, are just works that I've tried so hard to complete but is not done.
The first expression she gives me in class is one of disgust and anger. The strings of words that came out from her mouth next is that I haven't been doing work. Definitely haven't been doing her work. And that if i have a problem i most certainly hasn't been looking for her.
I won't. For that all assuming nature. And that look that all this fight is all so stupid.
I am like this child who stubbornly refuses to open her mouth to speak her mind.
For whatever i speak out, you won't believe or will put down anyway.
So I might as well not open my mouth.
-
If only I can perfectly articulate how I feel.
That there's this button for me to press, and I'll just say whatever I have in my mind, in the right tone, and leaving out unnecessary hurtful words and confusing emotions. Basically... saying out whatever it is exactly that I wish for you to hear.
I find it an awfully taxing act to explain myself without freaking out or sounding weird or wrong or unconfident and insecure.
Yeah. If only there's this button.
No, not blurting out everything in my mind.
But saying the right things that I've wished to say, just based on how exactly i feel and want it to be put forward.
Perhaps always judging people's reaction to the words, only adds on to the thought that I am being judged by what I'm saying.
Perhaps I wouldn't be so hesitant in speaking my mind, if I grew up in an environment where I wasn't being put down so much.
Words can be so powerful when uttered to you every day. Especially by a mother figure.
I've always dislike it when people sound so absolute about their opinions regarding someone else.
I think i am guilty of that. But still. I find myself often tempted to lash out if it comes out from the mouth of a... respectable figure.
"你很笨！你为什么会这么笨！"
"看到你就觉得很丢脸！"
"你跟他一样，一模一样！你是野种！"
"你一定是神经有问题"
There's one i like best.
“你以后长大一定会是个神经病。 你头脑有问题！疯疯癫癫！你看你以后一定进精神病院。我看你现在就有问题”
The absoluteness of her words. It is very powerful. I think. The amount of hate she has for me is so overwhelming.
Honestly. I don't remember what I've done. I didn't think that there was something wrong with her too. Now that i think about it, maybe she was depressed then.
Thinking about it now. I don't think it's something that can easily resolved just because you suddenly realised one day that you treated me like dirt and tried to do something nice for a change.
But we are still working on it.
On a side note. There are a lot of words in which i am very sensitive towards. Those mentioned above are in my top 10 list. lol.
神经 and 精神病 are words that you should try not to direct at me.
For I'm not sure how i would react to these words.
I might really become one towards you.
I'm certain that if she continued that for a few more years, i would most certainly be a 神经病 by the time she's done with me.It might be a self-fulfilling prophecy or I'm cursed by her or what she's saying is the truth. It's the absolute truth. That there is something wrong with me.
Oh oh. And 偏心 is a topic I'm very touchy about too. I have horribly much to say about this. lol.
Well, the mental state is very frail.
I'll have you know that it is very frail.
I think you would have died from heart attack if i said the same words you've said to me to you now.
I don't doubt those movie plots in which the kids or adults are mentally warped because of what their parents did.
I think it is total bullshit that anyone has every TOTALLY recovered from these kind of things.
To me, it's kind of permanently etched in my mind. The voice, the words. The actions. All that screaming. And that threatening.
This is why.. I regarded a whole bunch of my friends as my family. Though we haven't been talking much these few years. I still regard them as one. Because they are the closest thing i could ever have as a family in my growing up years. They have been accepting, protective and never hesitated to point out my wrongs and give alternate points of view.
That they will always be.
Which is why it disturbs me so much when someone who's supposed to guide you is so assuming about what you have done or what you have not done. Or that he or she thinks that it's so easy to accomplish what you have not. I detest that assuming nature. For I am not you. I have much more to say about the kind of guidance from a teacher that I really need. I'm not saying that it's the wrong or right way. Neither do i know the wrong or the right way. But I'm just saying that the kind of guidance i need is just not this.
And to be honest. Most of the fault does lie on me. For i do not sought people whom I am afraid of out. I don't ask for help from anyone except the ones I'm close to. But on this issue, i would definitely have sought you out if i know you have what i want. But you just don't. I really really believe that you cannot answer my questions which is why i didn't sought you out.
I probably need people to tell me every day that "you can do it" to counter that 14 years of "你没有用！"
For I, myself, do not have the faith that I can do it. To keep reminding myself that 'I can do it' takes a lot out of me.
There's this fight inside me. What is true? What is not?
And right in front of me, are just works that I've tried so hard to complete but is not done.
The first expression she gives me in class is one of disgust and anger. The strings of words that came out from her mouth next is that I haven't been doing work. Definitely haven't been doing her work. And that if i have a problem i most certainly hasn't been looking for her.
I won't. For that all assuming nature. And that look that all this fight is all so stupid.
I am like this child who stubbornly refuses to open her mouth to speak her mind.
For whatever i speak out, you won't believe or will put down anyway.
So I might as well not open my mouth.
-