Volume 2
Today was a lazy day. I didn't accomplish anything productive, but I did get caught up on a lot of nothing I've been meaning to do. Tomorrow I plan to buckle down and start studying for my macroeconomics final. I really, really need to do well on the final.
I wish I knew what it was about spring that makes me fall to pieces. Cha pointed it out to me, that I always seem to do badly in spring. Or do I? My first semester of college was in the spring at LCU, and I did alright despite working full time. The next fall I started having serious issues with depression, this is also when I started at TTU and left XFab. I did okay spring 2014 (my first at TTU) and fall 2014. It was spring 2015 when I crashed and burned failing all four subjects. This was largely in part to constantly missing classes because I couldn't sleep at night. I would be awake all night and finally fall asleep six, seven or eight in the morning. Not good when you have morning classes. Fall of 2015 I did a little better, but not much. I was doing okay in spring of 2016 until Cha walked out on me in late February to early March. That sent me spiraling into a pit of depression that caused me to miss two straight weeks of classes, and essentially made passing physics II and advanced mathematics impossible. The end result was me giving up any hope of becoming an engineer, and also getting a job at a convenience store, the latter soon made me give up any hope of living long enough to graduate college at all. I wonder if it's really spring that's the problem. This is only tge third spring to turn out badly, and this one hasn't been that bad. I think I'm gonna pass visual storytelling, not that I really care. It was a wasted class anyway, where I learned nothing of use, and as little of that as possible.
Intermediate macroeconomics is my worry because I missed too many classes, and have done poorly on the exama, and also missed most of the homeworks. I should probably retake the class, but I won't. For one thing my fall schedule is already full, and fall is my last semester because I'll be dead by spring. Actually this spring may be my last semester, becsuse I can't register for fall. I went to university advising to get the problem fixed, and was told it was, but obviously it's not. I don't really know if I should bother going back and trying again. What difference does it make in the end whether I finish one more semester or not? But I do want to keep going through the motions lest people suspect and try to stop me. I worry that the wrong people will catch wind of my intent and lock me back up in the hospital. I'll be there a very long time if I go back, because they'll never dissuade me, and I doubt they'll let me go until they have or at least think they have. This won't be like last time when I cooperated hoping to get better. I am "better" right now.
I've told Cha, not intentionally, but in passing, when subjects like my not caring that I can't register for fall classes comes up. I don't think she believes I'm serious. I suspect she thinks I just want attention or sympathy or to be told I can quit my job. As if quitting my job would help. I coukd quit tonight and I'd still be dead in nine months. I need to stop mentioning it to Cha, before she realizes I'm deadly (no pun intended) serious, and tries to get me help, which would mean going back into the hospital. The thing is I think I keep mentioning it to her because I don't really want to die, and I'm unconsciously asking for help. Not that I can think of any way she can help me.
In lighter news, I got to see Guardians of the Galaxy volume 2 again tonight. It was even better the second time. I really enjoyed it, and feel a twinge of sorrow I won't be seeing Volume 3 or Infinity War. There was a song that played towards the end of the movie that I was trying to find online without any luck. I might try again tomorrow, but I don't know.
I wish I knew what it was about spring that makes me fall to pieces. Cha pointed it out to me, that I always seem to do badly in spring. Or do I? My first semester of college was in the spring at LCU, and I did alright despite working full time. The next fall I started having serious issues with depression, this is also when I started at TTU and left XFab. I did okay spring 2014 (my first at TTU) and fall 2014. It was spring 2015 when I crashed and burned failing all four subjects. This was largely in part to constantly missing classes because I couldn't sleep at night. I would be awake all night and finally fall asleep six, seven or eight in the morning. Not good when you have morning classes. Fall of 2015 I did a little better, but not much. I was doing okay in spring of 2016 until Cha walked out on me in late February to early March. That sent me spiraling into a pit of depression that caused me to miss two straight weeks of classes, and essentially made passing physics II and advanced mathematics impossible. The end result was me giving up any hope of becoming an engineer, and also getting a job at a convenience store, the latter soon made me give up any hope of living long enough to graduate college at all. I wonder if it's really spring that's the problem. This is only tge third spring to turn out badly, and this one hasn't been that bad. I think I'm gonna pass visual storytelling, not that I really care. It was a wasted class anyway, where I learned nothing of use, and as little of that as possible.
Intermediate macroeconomics is my worry because I missed too many classes, and have done poorly on the exama, and also missed most of the homeworks. I should probably retake the class, but I won't. For one thing my fall schedule is already full, and fall is my last semester because I'll be dead by spring. Actually this spring may be my last semester, becsuse I can't register for fall. I went to university advising to get the problem fixed, and was told it was, but obviously it's not. I don't really know if I should bother going back and trying again. What difference does it make in the end whether I finish one more semester or not? But I do want to keep going through the motions lest people suspect and try to stop me. I worry that the wrong people will catch wind of my intent and lock me back up in the hospital. I'll be there a very long time if I go back, because they'll never dissuade me, and I doubt they'll let me go until they have or at least think they have. This won't be like last time when I cooperated hoping to get better. I am "better" right now.
I've told Cha, not intentionally, but in passing, when subjects like my not caring that I can't register for fall classes comes up. I don't think she believes I'm serious. I suspect she thinks I just want attention or sympathy or to be told I can quit my job. As if quitting my job would help. I coukd quit tonight and I'd still be dead in nine months. I need to stop mentioning it to Cha, before she realizes I'm deadly (no pun intended) serious, and tries to get me help, which would mean going back into the hospital. The thing is I think I keep mentioning it to her because I don't really want to die, and I'm unconsciously asking for help. Not that I can think of any way she can help me.
In lighter news, I got to see Guardians of the Galaxy volume 2 again tonight. It was even better the second time. I really enjoyed it, and feel a twinge of sorrow I won't be seeing Volume 3 or Infinity War. There was a song that played towards the end of the movie that I was trying to find online without any luck. I might try again tomorrow, but I don't know.