Success Mwahahaha
Well, it took a little fiddling but I got the macros working on my Star System generator spreadsheet. In doing do I also figured out a few tricks. Now instead of needing eighteen linrs of code and four cells, I can accomplish the same thing with ten lined of code and one cell. Of course this means I have to go back to the first page (which I thought I was finished with) and rewrite most of the code. But it will be worth it to reduce the monstrous amount of code I currently had. Pity I didn't figure these tricks out until I was working on the third page. I'll also have to go back and recode the second page, but I wasn't finished there anyway. Still it will look quite stunning and function quite nicely when I'm finally finished.
So all and all today was not a bad day. In addition to playing with my spreadsheet, I went to counseling. Counsrling was pretty good, found some new things to try, and was told about a writer's group. This afternoon I went to Chinese buffet, and just sat and ate and read. After Chinese buffet I went to the store to find dinner and came away with a nice medium-sized roast. I decided on roast beef, because we've been doing chicken or pork and occasionally steak and I wanted something different. Lamb would have been nice, but it's pretty expensive here, and Cha says she doesn't like it. I roasted it while watching Walker: Texas Ranger, and made some rice and steamed some brussel sprouts to go with it. It was pretty good, though I find myself growing tired of brussel sprouts, and to a lesser extent broccoli. I'm thinking of looking into getting some string beans and maube cabbage for a change. Cha doesn't care for cabbage either, but then she seldom eats vegetables anyway, they're mainly for me.
I did text Huiying around noon or so, but she never replied. Tomorrow I have school, so after my last class I'll stop by her office. Hopefully she'll be around. I have no work tomorrow, but I do work Saturday and Sunday (and probably Monday too) so tomorrow won't be as good a day. Not to mention I have an exam in visual storytelling. I think part of the reason I dislike that class is the group project. It is a large chunk of the final grade. Unfortunately the group I'm with chose a topic so banal I can't even feign enthusiasm for the project. My participation in the project has been minimal, mostly offering a few suggestions, and pretending to do some research. Pretending because the topic is, "a day in the life of a college student." Seriously, the group is all college students so how much research needs to be done? I've never liked group projects and this is why. Most people it seems are utterly lacking in creativity.
I was thinking of taking summer classes, but I don't think I will. I'm really not too enthusiastic about taking classes next fall. It's going to be my last semester so it really doesn't matter to me. Going to school has been a tremendous waste really. I'm in my seventh semester of school and have nothing to show for it. Seven semesters and I'd still have another four to six years of school before I got my degree. Maybe if I hadn't had to waste time on useless courses like art appreciation, but I did. I hate having my time wasted and consequently resent having to waste it on classes that serve no purpose. Of course since I switched majors a lot of the classes I took are now unnecessary. Fortunately with visual storytelling filling the pointless arts & humanities requirement, I think I'm done with classes that serve no purpose. Not that it matters.
Actually it does matter. Kind of. I am not without hope that something may happen to give me a reason not to end my life. I don't hold out much hope, but it's within the realm of possibility. The thing that worries me is that the psychological damage may be irreversible. I feel I could quit my job now, and I'd still end up killing myself in less than a year. It's not just the job, though that's a lot of it. It's just the pointlessness of everything. I'm miserable more often than not, and even when I'm not miserable I'm seldom actually happy. So little makes me happy any more, and I have so little time for things that do. Then there's the fact that I'm 44 years old, almost half a century, and I have nothing to show for it, no worthwhile accomplishments, no anything, but a small collection of stuff. I went back to counseling because I'm hoping that I might find a reason to go on. I'm doubtful though because my counselor doesn't know my true situation. She just knows I'm dealing with depression, not that I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure how to bring the subject up. For one thing I'm worried that if I just tell her I'm going to kill myself, I'll wind up back in the hospital. I'm not going back. Also it places an unfair burden on my counselor, because I'm essentially saying, "You need to save my life, by finding me a reason to live."
I suppose I should find my own reason to live, but for one thing I'm tired of looking. Especially since everything I've looked to in the past turned out to be mirages. Everything I hoped would make my life better has failed. In many cases things got worse. Another thing is I just don't want to live anymore. I just want it all to be over.
I didn't mean to veer off into the subject of my death. I guess just thinking about visual storytelling depresses me. I had intended to keep this entry light, but I've failed. I guess sometimes when I start writing things just pour out. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
So all and all today was not a bad day. In addition to playing with my spreadsheet, I went to counseling. Counsrling was pretty good, found some new things to try, and was told about a writer's group. This afternoon I went to Chinese buffet, and just sat and ate and read. After Chinese buffet I went to the store to find dinner and came away with a nice medium-sized roast. I decided on roast beef, because we've been doing chicken or pork and occasionally steak and I wanted something different. Lamb would have been nice, but it's pretty expensive here, and Cha says she doesn't like it. I roasted it while watching Walker: Texas Ranger, and made some rice and steamed some brussel sprouts to go with it. It was pretty good, though I find myself growing tired of brussel sprouts, and to a lesser extent broccoli. I'm thinking of looking into getting some string beans and maube cabbage for a change. Cha doesn't care for cabbage either, but then she seldom eats vegetables anyway, they're mainly for me.
I did text Huiying around noon or so, but she never replied. Tomorrow I have school, so after my last class I'll stop by her office. Hopefully she'll be around. I have no work tomorrow, but I do work Saturday and Sunday (and probably Monday too) so tomorrow won't be as good a day. Not to mention I have an exam in visual storytelling. I think part of the reason I dislike that class is the group project. It is a large chunk of the final grade. Unfortunately the group I'm with chose a topic so banal I can't even feign enthusiasm for the project. My participation in the project has been minimal, mostly offering a few suggestions, and pretending to do some research. Pretending because the topic is, "a day in the life of a college student." Seriously, the group is all college students so how much research needs to be done? I've never liked group projects and this is why. Most people it seems are utterly lacking in creativity.
I was thinking of taking summer classes, but I don't think I will. I'm really not too enthusiastic about taking classes next fall. It's going to be my last semester so it really doesn't matter to me. Going to school has been a tremendous waste really. I'm in my seventh semester of school and have nothing to show for it. Seven semesters and I'd still have another four to six years of school before I got my degree. Maybe if I hadn't had to waste time on useless courses like art appreciation, but I did. I hate having my time wasted and consequently resent having to waste it on classes that serve no purpose. Of course since I switched majors a lot of the classes I took are now unnecessary. Fortunately with visual storytelling filling the pointless arts & humanities requirement, I think I'm done with classes that serve no purpose. Not that it matters.
Actually it does matter. Kind of. I am not without hope that something may happen to give me a reason not to end my life. I don't hold out much hope, but it's within the realm of possibility. The thing that worries me is that the psychological damage may be irreversible. I feel I could quit my job now, and I'd still end up killing myself in less than a year. It's not just the job, though that's a lot of it. It's just the pointlessness of everything. I'm miserable more often than not, and even when I'm not miserable I'm seldom actually happy. So little makes me happy any more, and I have so little time for things that do. Then there's the fact that I'm 44 years old, almost half a century, and I have nothing to show for it, no worthwhile accomplishments, no anything, but a small collection of stuff. I went back to counseling because I'm hoping that I might find a reason to go on. I'm doubtful though because my counselor doesn't know my true situation. She just knows I'm dealing with depression, not that I'm going to kill myself. I'm not sure how to bring the subject up. For one thing I'm worried that if I just tell her I'm going to kill myself, I'll wind up back in the hospital. I'm not going back. Also it places an unfair burden on my counselor, because I'm essentially saying, "You need to save my life, by finding me a reason to live."
I suppose I should find my own reason to live, but for one thing I'm tired of looking. Especially since everything I've looked to in the past turned out to be mirages. Everything I hoped would make my life better has failed. In many cases things got worse. Another thing is I just don't want to live anymore. I just want it all to be over.
I didn't mean to veer off into the subject of my death. I guess just thinking about visual storytelling depresses me. I had intended to keep this entry light, but I've failed. I guess sometimes when I start writing things just pour out. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.