Falling Down
I didn't realize it was so late. I should get to bed, as I've been up gor 36 hours or so. Of course it wasn't intentional staying up til 2am local time. I worked to 11, well closer to 11:30. Then I went to Whataburger for dinner, and the line there always moves slow. Then I decided to watch Zootopia while I ate, then decided to finish watching it.
Today wasn't a good day. I made it to school, and all my classes. But my depression increased as the day went on. By the time my last class was over, I was nearly in tears. I think it's my job that does it. My depression always seems worse on days that I have to work. I'm no psychiatrist, but I suspect it has something to do with taking someone as highly introverted as I am, and putting him in a situation that is nothing but dealing with people for hours on end.
I told some of this to Cha. She got hurt and angry and accused me of trying to manipulate her. I wasn't. Though in honesty, I didn't know what I wanted til much later. I think I was trying to ask for help. It would probably have worked bettet if I'd just asked directly, but I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I guess there's a part of me that isn't ready to pass on, and was subconsciously asking for help. Not that there's really anything Cha can do. The most she could do is have them put me back in the hospital, and I've already considered and rejected that option.
The last time I was there, I didn't really like it. No electronics are allowed, no phones, tablets, or computers. There's a tv, but it's in the common room, and we have no options on what to watch. There are a few books, but that's pretty much it. But the real reason, I've rejected the idea is the cost. It doesn't cost me anything out of pocket, the VA takes care of that. But I would wind up missing a week or more of work, and as a part-time employee, I don't get paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I can't afford to miss a week or more of work. I can't pay my bills as it is. So going back into the hospital is a last resort.
In the meantime, I don't know what to do. Despite being back on antidepressants, my depression is getting worse. I'm sure unless something changes I'll be dead inside of a year. I'm in a no win situation. I can't quit my job, and as long as I continue to work there, my depression will worsen. I don't know what I'm going to do.
Today wasn't a good day. I made it to school, and all my classes. But my depression increased as the day went on. By the time my last class was over, I was nearly in tears. I think it's my job that does it. My depression always seems worse on days that I have to work. I'm no psychiatrist, but I suspect it has something to do with taking someone as highly introverted as I am, and putting him in a situation that is nothing but dealing with people for hours on end.
I told some of this to Cha. She got hurt and angry and accused me of trying to manipulate her. I wasn't. Though in honesty, I didn't know what I wanted til much later. I think I was trying to ask for help. It would probably have worked bettet if I'd just asked directly, but I didn't realize that's what I was doing. I guess there's a part of me that isn't ready to pass on, and was subconsciously asking for help. Not that there's really anything Cha can do. The most she could do is have them put me back in the hospital, and I've already considered and rejected that option.
The last time I was there, I didn't really like it. No electronics are allowed, no phones, tablets, or computers. There's a tv, but it's in the common room, and we have no options on what to watch. There are a few books, but that's pretty much it. But the real reason, I've rejected the idea is the cost. It doesn't cost me anything out of pocket, the VA takes care of that. But I would wind up missing a week or more of work, and as a part-time employee, I don't get paid time off. If I don't work, I don't get paid. I can't afford to miss a week or more of work. I can't pay my bills as it is. So going back into the hospital is a last resort.
In the meantime, I don't know what to do. Despite being back on antidepressants, my depression is getting worse. I'm sure unless something changes I'll be dead inside of a year. I'm in a no win situation. I can't quit my job, and as long as I continue to work there, my depression will worsen. I don't know what I'm going to do.