blaising my life away
here is an excerpt from an email i just sent my family (i have two sisters and a brother in law with PhD's in psychology):
"So, as you know, i am working up at the NYSPI in the substance dependence department of the division of research assessment and training. when i started this job, i was hoping to gain experience and skills researching, analyzing, and writing to help me with grad school and dissertation stuff, as well as to get a few publications with my name on it for the resume. basic research assistant stuff, right?
well, as it turns out, i had no idea what i was getting into when i took this position. First of all, the professor i work for (as i have mentioned), is the editor of the DSM-V which i think is amazing. i'm very honored and happy to work for someone with such influence in the field. she has a number of very large projects that she is working on, and i am honored to be a part of her group. (i mean, a recommendation from this woman can't hurt!).
when i first got here, they assigned me the project of computerizing a diagnostic interview called the PRISM. it asks clinical patients about their behaviors and in the end, tells them whether or not they have a DSM psychological disorder and whether or not it is a primary disorder or substance-induced.
i was still hoping that eventually, as the programming came along further, i would be able to get my hands in on one of the many research projects that are going on currently. (help analyze some data (even though we have an engineer here who gets paid big bucks to do that for us), write a paper, SOMETHING)
so, today, i had a meeting with the professor that i work for to talk about the progress of the prism project,she had some really "great" news. ultimately, she got approved to use the prism to validate another computerized interview, the AUDADIS, which is big stuff in this research area. basically, my project is about to receive a whole lot of attention. this also, unfortunately, means we have ALOT of work to do: we are going to need to make a new paper version of the prism which corresponds better to my computerized version (the computerized version is deviating significantly from the current paper version because of the different mediums), plus make a codebook, plus do some research on how to word the questions so it fits the AUDADIS, etc. basically, a whole lot of work. they are actually going to hire a person to work for me. (i get my OWN research assistant!)
now, i don't mean to complain one bit because this is a tremendous opportunity for little old research assistant me. and to have this project under my belt means good things for my resume.
however, the idea also left me with the biggest pit in my stomach.
first of all, this erases all possibility of getting involved in other projects, such as writing papers and learning to make grant proposals and such. i'm really worried that i should be practicing more practical skills.
also, this program i use is really complicated, and the support staff are idiots. seriously, they tell me BLAISE (the program i am using to code the interview) can't do something, and eventually i'll either find it in the user manual that it CAN be done, or spend a few days working on a solution and FIND a way to make it happen. i feel like i am WAY more knowledgable with blaise then its support staff is and i've only been using the program for two months.. it is the most frustrating thing to deal with!
everyday is a new brain teaser. its EXHAUSTING. i dream about it at night.
don't get me wrong, when you find a solution, it is SUCH an ego boost, and i definitely feel very competent when it comes to using this program, but it is an uphill battle at times
basically, when i am done with this project, i am going to be a blaise mastermind. and in the end, a hot commodity in this research area.
my question is, though, do i really want to marry myself to this program?
i feel like having this project is going to affect the rest of my life.... like, talk about job security... but do i want to be secure in this job?!
in the end, is having this huge project under my belt worth missing out on building skills that i can really use later (as opposed to a computer program which i DEF do not want to spend the rest of my life using unless i am being paid like a computer programmer gets paid).
i should totally be happy that my boss wanted to give me this responsibility, and be proud, etc.
i dont really know why i'm writing this email, maybe i just need to vent.
but i have this awful feeling in my tummy. maybe its nervousness.
i feel like i should be celebrating, yet at the same time, crying."
WHAT A FUCKING DAY.
"So, as you know, i am working up at the NYSPI in the substance dependence department of the division of research assessment and training. when i started this job, i was hoping to gain experience and skills researching, analyzing, and writing to help me with grad school and dissertation stuff, as well as to get a few publications with my name on it for the resume. basic research assistant stuff, right?
well, as it turns out, i had no idea what i was getting into when i took this position. First of all, the professor i work for (as i have mentioned), is the editor of the DSM-V which i think is amazing. i'm very honored and happy to work for someone with such influence in the field. she has a number of very large projects that she is working on, and i am honored to be a part of her group. (i mean, a recommendation from this woman can't hurt!).
when i first got here, they assigned me the project of computerizing a diagnostic interview called the PRISM. it asks clinical patients about their behaviors and in the end, tells them whether or not they have a DSM psychological disorder and whether or not it is a primary disorder or substance-induced.
i was still hoping that eventually, as the programming came along further, i would be able to get my hands in on one of the many research projects that are going on currently. (help analyze some data (even though we have an engineer here who gets paid big bucks to do that for us), write a paper, SOMETHING)
so, today, i had a meeting with the professor that i work for to talk about the progress of the prism project,she had some really "great" news. ultimately, she got approved to use the prism to validate another computerized interview, the AUDADIS, which is big stuff in this research area. basically, my project is about to receive a whole lot of attention. this also, unfortunately, means we have ALOT of work to do: we are going to need to make a new paper version of the prism which corresponds better to my computerized version (the computerized version is deviating significantly from the current paper version because of the different mediums), plus make a codebook, plus do some research on how to word the questions so it fits the AUDADIS, etc. basically, a whole lot of work. they are actually going to hire a person to work for me. (i get my OWN research assistant!)
now, i don't mean to complain one bit because this is a tremendous opportunity for little old research assistant me. and to have this project under my belt means good things for my resume.
however, the idea also left me with the biggest pit in my stomach.
first of all, this erases all possibility of getting involved in other projects, such as writing papers and learning to make grant proposals and such. i'm really worried that i should be practicing more practical skills.
also, this program i use is really complicated, and the support staff are idiots. seriously, they tell me BLAISE (the program i am using to code the interview) can't do something, and eventually i'll either find it in the user manual that it CAN be done, or spend a few days working on a solution and FIND a way to make it happen. i feel like i am WAY more knowledgable with blaise then its support staff is and i've only been using the program for two months.. it is the most frustrating thing to deal with!
everyday is a new brain teaser. its EXHAUSTING. i dream about it at night.
don't get me wrong, when you find a solution, it is SUCH an ego boost, and i definitely feel very competent when it comes to using this program, but it is an uphill battle at times
basically, when i am done with this project, i am going to be a blaise mastermind. and in the end, a hot commodity in this research area.
my question is, though, do i really want to marry myself to this program?
i feel like having this project is going to affect the rest of my life.... like, talk about job security... but do i want to be secure in this job?!
in the end, is having this huge project under my belt worth missing out on building skills that i can really use later (as opposed to a computer program which i DEF do not want to spend the rest of my life using unless i am being paid like a computer programmer gets paid).
i should totally be happy that my boss wanted to give me this responsibility, and be proud, etc.
i dont really know why i'm writing this email, maybe i just need to vent.
but i have this awful feeling in my tummy. maybe its nervousness.
i feel like i should be celebrating, yet at the same time, crying."
WHAT A FUCKING DAY.