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Jan 24, 2009 12:33

She was aware enough this time to recognize me, and though she was in no state to show any enthusiasm she did relax and her heart rate reduced once she was aware of me. I stayed with her a while to get my own feeling about how she was, and weighed that with the information from the vets as I comforted her. She'd started seeping fluids into her body cavities at an alarming rate, going from having spent two days making slow but steady progress to abruptly and rapidly degenerating; in just a few hours she'd suddenly gained a couple liters of fluids in her abdomen, her face and limbs were puffy, and her breathing was labored from more fluid being in her lungs. It wasn't just a random hiccup in her recovery as I'd hoped; her whole body was shutting down. She deserved every opportunity for assistance if there was any realistic hope, but it was difficult to deny that at this point it truly would just be perpetuating her stay in ICU rather than ever seeing her come home again. I wanted to just stay there with her, try and soothe her into being well. It took several attempts just to say the words that would start the proceedings.

We took her out of ICU and into an exam room to have peace away from the cacophony of the other patients. I lay down, pressed against her back like she always seemed to prefer, stroking her muzzle and rubbing her ears and telling her she's a good girl for a while before giving the OK to the vet. Two stage, a heavy dose of sedative first to make sure she was comfortable and unlikely to feel the pain of death, then a barbiturate overdose to halt her bodily functions. Her labored breathing relaxed and eased under the sedative, and the killing dose took effect quickly once administered. I continued holding, stroking, and praising her until I was sure brain death had also passed so she'd never know I left her.
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