The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I started re-reading my favorite book of all time and its got me stuck inside of my head again, which is why I feel prompted to write in here after quite a long gap. I've just been thinking and feeling so many things lately, which I suppose should be considered a good thing. In many ways I guess that it is. I feel more like myself than I have in a very very very long time, but I feel sad and confused (ha ha maybe its because I feel like myself, and well lets face it Im sad and confused a lot) The only thing is that overall I cant say that I have any complaints except for the fact that I'm still living at home instead of on my own where I belong, but Im practicing patience... Patience that last a life time it seems. I just feel stuck and no matter how much I tell myself its ok to still be stuck while I'm in college, its driving me fucking insane. I'm just ready for the next step, whatever it turns out to be. I just need something more than what I have. I just need more independence. For once I just want to spend more than I few days without having someone to report to or tell where I am, or worry about me... I just want to be completely self sufficient. It doesn't help that I have a girlfriend that pretty much goes completely against everything that i just mentioned. I swear shes worse than my mother when it comes to caring and worrying about me. Don't get me wrong, I dont want to seem like one of those bratty kids that isn't appreciating being loved, because I do appreciate things like love. I just am a very strong person who has learned to be self sufficient and resourceful but hasn't been given the opportunity to expand that to 100 %. I feel as though I've only gotten to 80% or so. its suffocating sometimes. I think when I graduate Im going to persue the Americore or a job position with NYPIRG. Something where I get to leave and do something for 1 year. just get up and go, but temporarily... I just feel like my thoughts the last week have been going 1 million miles per second. and that my friends is not an aggaggeration, but may be brought to you by a double shot of caffine plus energy in can form :]] . I hope that made sense to you, because I just stopped and laughed. Not at myself, but with myself (if thats possible) I jsut miss having someone to tell these nonsence things to because the truth is, even tho I have a girlfriend we dont talk about the stuff in my head as much as I would like, or ever really. Maybe thats why Im going crazy, becasue the book is bringin out this side of me that hasn't seen the surface in at lease a year or two... Maybe thats why its my favorite book, because every time I read it it makes me feel different from before I started re-reading it, and frankly that is very powerful to me... maybe maybe maybe.
maybe its time for sleep.
maybe its time for sleep.