(no subject)
I am in the WORST mood today. It SUCKS. It's not one of those moods that I can just fall out of either, I'm genuinely pissed. While I was looking at Kevin today I realized how much i'm trying to convince myself that I dont need him anymore. But I love him. It irritates me that he cares about me standing up for myself. He hates to see people push me around. He hates everyone who has ever picked on me or made me cry, but he does it. He does it too. That's what I dont understand. He's taught me how to push him away from me. And then he gets angry and continues to make me cry when he tries to get me to stay. He's sucking the life from me. I dont deserve this. I've never deserved this. I've always just been there for him. When we first started dating I used to argue with him constantly because I have vocabulary down to a T and he doesnt. So I would always correct him, but I started to see how much he hated that, so I dropped it. It bugs the shit out of me, and I hate when he uses the wrong word to explain something that I know about, but I let it go knowing that in the long run it would just cause me anguish. He doesnt get this. He doesnt understand the concept of letting something small go for the bigger picture. Doesnt he see happiness on the other side of the frame and glass??? I dont understand. He knows how to push my buttons and make me feel so terrible, and yet he does it and then gets angry with me when i get upset. He tells me that I over-react and that I need to quit being so sensitive. But he knows, he knows what he does and how he makes me feel and he loves it. cause the more he breaks me down the more I want to cry and let him hold me. It's like when you're a child and you get spanked and it hurts, yea it hurts like hell and yet the only thing you want when it's over is for that person to hug you and make you stop crying. But I'm not a child anymore, so I need to let him go. I need to let this feeling go, I need to leave my heart out of this from now on because when he was calling the shots and telling me when and where to say "I love you" to him everything was peachy, and now when I say it he rolls his eyes and tells me to grow up. He just has to control everything i'm about. He never wants to leave the house and yet he got on me today about not ever letting him meet my friends. So I invited him to go to my brother's house today to help me switch laundry, he requested to stay in the car. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. He says it's always about me, how i'm so selfish, but I'm not. I give and I give and I give and I get nothing in return. I can't even describe the amount of money I've wasted on him. Gas, housing, booze, pills, food, pot. I provide like you wouldn't believe and I'm there. I'm me with him. I'm loving and nice and I dont start arguments, because I dont want to argue with him. And he...he starts it. I touch him and he flips out..."I don't like being touched, why are you always here and touching me" and then he makes me feel bad by mimicing what i was doing only he does it in a more aggresive annoying type of manner. But when I'm around and I dont touch him because he's previously spoken negatively about it he gets offended "What, I'm not attractive anymore? Do you think I'm just a toy that you can play with?" I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS. I never asked for this. I just wanted to be happy. And he made me happy. For a good while, but I'm sick of the mind games. I'm sick of being told what to do and how to act and im sick of his noises that he's always making. And I'm sick of my tears keeping me company on my pillow at night. I'm tired of it all. I just have to teach myself how to walk away.