(no subject)

[urmomlastnite]

i feel so wierd.
why can't i connect to anyone? why can't i like anyone? i am so goddamn picky, and that is why no one likes me. i understand, i really do

i am identically confused..

who am i? amanda? mandi? ima?

i know that i love aj.
amber.
jade.
brad.
becca.
and select few others.

but i am so confused. i like my chemical romance. system, adioslave, billy idol, marilyn manson, NIN, johnny cash... britney spears...

does any of this define who i am?

i love the color red but i hate the color orange.

can i change?

i don't have very good self control unless i remove temptation.

i get depressed and angry alot.

i feel like constantly feeling loved and held. it takes me a while to warm up to someone.

i don't have enough friends and i wish there were more people i could talk to.

i don't understand myself.

i lie. i'm trying. i don't lie to aj anymore. i don't lie to amber.

i have done drugs. i have gotten drunk.

i still see people that aren't there. they still make me uncomfortable and scared.

i shower alot and i am really insecure.

i think i am more gay than straight.

i think this list is ridiculous.

i don't like having a cell phone as much as i thought i would.

i have so many secrets. so many.

i feel uncomfortable around alot of men.

i've delt with alot of abuse.

alot of my family consists of perverts.

i feel uncomfortable talking about my uncles and cousins. well most of my family.

i have alot of pain on my shoulders that i am trying to deal with.

i'm scared to death of dating.

i've only had sex with two different woman and two different men.

i am terrified of aj leaving.

i'm scared of krav maga.

i get tingly when i'm angry.

i can answer alot of questions simply, except my own.

i can't write poetry.

i cry alot.

i was in a couple talent shows.

my best friend kissed me back and i lost all of my friends the next day and was blamed for all of it.

i feel very alone.

i get scared sleeping alone.

my heart hurts.
badly.

i miss you.