I'm alive and good and everything else positive (or trying to be, anyway.) So I want to attempt to write something, anything, and this is the best way I know to try/practice/whateverthehell
( Read more... )
It’s the stance she recognises first, leaning up against the entrance to the kitchen as if he was made to model the jeans he’s wearing, the plaid button down shirt, the boots, even the wall he’s leaning against.
It’s been a while, but there’s no denying that her heart is letting her know it exists as it beats frantically in her chest, and he hasn’t even noticed that she’s there, standing behind him, staring in ways she wishes she could stop, because how mortifying will it be when he turns around?
Santana sneaks up behind her and slaps her on the ass, hard, causing her to squeal a little and make a bit of a scene.
He’s looking at her with laughter in his eyes, and she flashes him a quick smile as she turns around to laugh at Santana and steal a shot away from one of her friends’ hands.
She turns away and allows herself to be lead to the backyard, where a dance floor has been set up and her best friend twirls her around as they both laugh.
God, every time she steps into the Lopez’s backyard, it’s like being seventeen all over again, trying to capture the attention of the boy who whispers in her ear when they’re eighteen and should most definitely not be undressing each other the night before he’s due to leave for lands unknown that she’s always had his attention.
Until tonight, she hasn’t really seen him since that last night, where he left her with a kiss on her lips and confusion, as she did nothing but wave and watch him leave. And then cry until she left for her dreams and her future, and tried not to think about what could’ve been if they’d just had more time, been braver sooner.
But despite her lack of relationship status, she honestly has moved on with her life since that last night. She’s just left with memories, but no regrets, every time she steps foot into her hometown, or into her still horribly yellow bedroom where she finally gave into everything she’d been feeling for him for far too long.
She’s not sure she’ll ever step foot into her childhood bedroom and not think of that moment, actually. Because she can’t imagine wanting anyone as much as she wanted him, in that moment, where her heart literally felt like it was going to burst out of her chest and he had her convinced that she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, nerves and all.
She needs to rid herself of these memories though, while he’s here and so close and still as gorgeous as he was when she first took notice of his ability with a guitar and his hands and everything else about him when she was young and hopeless, and she’s too tempted to just do something ridiculously stupid like throw herself at him and look pathetic and desperate and be something he laughs about with his buddies when he gets back to LA and cause Quinn and Santana to look at her all pitifully again, like they did after that night, and she spent two hours crying/trying to convince her and them that she wasn’t in love with him and that she was okay with the fact that he was gone and she didn’t know when she’d see him again, because California was very, very far away from New York, and they had two completely different sets of dreams.
She feels his eyes burning a hole in her back that she chooses to ignore, and loses herself in the music, in the movement, and then she’s surprised when he’s cutting in between her and Santana, and she’s at a loss of what to do.
He grabs her hand though, as he pulls her against him, and she tries to remember how to breathe.
The rest of their old friends are being shameless in the fact that they’ve all stopped to watch. Finn is actually leaning around Mike to watch the show.
She wishes she had the kind of friends who hadn’t broadcast the fact that she’d had “goodbye sex” with Noah Puckerman to the rest of their circle of friends, because it would make this situation a lot less awkward to deal with.
Especially when someone conniving, and she lays her bet on Kurt, slows the music down, so that they have to awkwardly move that much closer and look at each other to not look hopelessly uncoordinated.
“Hi.” He finally says, while she’s still searching for words, which is ridiculous because she knows she has a lot of them stored in her brain.
“Hello.” She says politely, and leans back to look him in the eyes and wonders why he’s always that one person who can touch her, even lightly, and she feels the heat all the way into her skin.
“It’s been a while.” He says, and she knows he’s inwardly hating himself for sounding awkward, but she’s smiling because secretly, she thinks he’s being kind of adorable, and she’s glad she’s not the only one nervous and uncomfortable in this situation, even though he’s been in it a thousand times before, but never with her.
She wants to believe this means she’s different, but she’s not going to lay her hopes on the line yet.
“How are you doing?” She asks, genuinely curious. He talks about his life in LA, recording, his dog, his guitar, his mom and his sister, and she thinks of that morning where they’d lain in between her sheets and planned for a future they knew they couldn’t have together.
They talk and talk and talk, and then people are leaving, and she’s wondering where exactly the night ran away to. He’s always had this way of making her forget herself.
She’s missed him, so much, and when he walks her home, and they sit on her parents front porch to finish their conversation and their hands keep touching, she realises just how much. She wonders if she’ll ever find that again, someone who can half break her heart with an inevitable departure, who she doesn’t see for three years, and then all of a sudden she sees him, and her hearts doing flips and beating like it’s sixteen again, realising just how different Noah Puckerman is when he’s with her.
“This is where I saw you last.” He says, but he doesn’t look at her. She nods. Neither of them mention the fact that they stood in this spot with swollen lips, yawning and smiling and her still wrapped in a sheet that smelled like him, wondering if she’ll wake up again later on believing it to be a dream.
“You were waving goodbye, and fuck, no lie, if I hadn’t paid for my plane ticket, I would’ve stayed.” He’s not looking her when he says this, and she wishes he would.
“Remember all those fuckin’ stupid plans we made?” He asks, and he laughs a little bitterly as he finally looks at her.
“They weren’t stupid, Noah, if they’d have been possible, I would’ve wanted them. God, I wanted everything with you. Waving goodbye to you… I didn’t know what else to do that wasn’t reaching out, grabbing you, begging you to stay.”
“Not gonna lie, I’m finding it really hard to not make fun of you right now for that wave.”
She giggles a little, nudges him with her shoulder, and huffs when he doesn’t move an inch.
“At least I gave you that. What’d I get from you? A hug and a “later, B.” He’s smirking as she finishes speaking, and she wishes she hadn’t said anything at all.
“I think we both know what you got from me, and it was a lot more than a hug. Pretty sure I’ve got the scars to prove exactly what you got from me.”
“Shut up!” She shrieks, in between laughter. “Here’s me remembering this amazing night, with someone I’d wanted for far too long, and remembering it being one of the most romantic nights of my entire life, right up until that moment here on the porch, and there’s you thinking about the fact you got laid. Boys minds, they really suck sometimes.”
She’s pouting, and before she knows it, he’s leaning down to kiss her.
“m’sorry. Couldn’t resist.” He says, and she’s pretty sure that’s how it began that night when they were eighteen.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you.” He says, as he presses her up against the doorway.
Later, as she lies sweaty on top of cooling sheets, him tickling her side as he strokes a finger along it, he talks in whispers about how he’d like to see a lot more of New York than he’s seen so far. And that there’s a lot he could show her in LA, next time she gets a break from her show.
It’s sounding a little like the plans they talked about making once when it was too late to confirm anything, and they were too young to make such serious plans. She looks at him as he speaks, and it takes a while, but she’s hopeful as hell and hates herself a little bit as she rolls over to face him and says, “Noah, this is beginning to sound a lot like a long distance relationship.”
“What, were you planning to just wave goodbye at the door again?” He asks and laughs as she hits him, and tells him he can come but he’s sleeping on the couch for that comment and he won’t even get a wave goodbye.
“You just try to resist me, woman.” He says with a smirk, as he tugs her on top of him again and kisses her indignation away.
It’s been a while, but there’s no denying that her heart is letting her know it exists as it beats frantically in her chest, and he hasn’t even noticed that she’s there, standing behind him, staring in ways she wishes she could stop, because how mortifying will it be when he turns around?
Santana sneaks up behind her and slaps her on the ass, hard, causing her to squeal a little and make a bit of a scene.
He’s looking at her with laughter in his eyes, and she flashes him a quick smile as she turns around to laugh at Santana and steal a shot away from one of her friends’ hands.
She turns away and allows herself to be lead to the backyard, where a dance floor has been set up and her best friend twirls her around as they both laugh.
God, every time she steps into the Lopez’s backyard, it’s like being seventeen all over again, trying to capture the attention of the boy who whispers in her ear when they’re eighteen and should most definitely not be undressing each other the night before he’s due to leave for lands unknown that she’s always had his attention.
Until tonight, she hasn’t really seen him since that last night, where he left her with a kiss on her lips and confusion, as she did nothing but wave and watch him leave. And then cry until she left for her dreams and her future, and tried not to think about what could’ve been if they’d just had more time, been braver sooner.
But despite her lack of relationship status, she honestly has moved on with her life since that last night. She’s just left with memories, but no regrets, every time she steps foot into her hometown, or into her still horribly yellow bedroom where she finally gave into everything she’d been feeling for him for far too long.
She’s not sure she’ll ever step foot into her childhood bedroom and not think of that moment, actually. Because she can’t imagine wanting anyone as much as she wanted him, in that moment, where her heart literally felt like it was going to burst out of her chest and he had her convinced that she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, nerves and all.
She needs to rid herself of these memories though, while he’s here and so close and still as gorgeous as he was when she first took notice of his ability with a guitar and his hands and everything else about him when she was young and hopeless, and she’s too tempted to just do something ridiculously stupid like throw herself at him and look pathetic and desperate and be something he laughs about with his buddies when he gets back to LA and cause Quinn and Santana to look at her all pitifully again, like they did after that night, and she spent two hours crying/trying to convince her and them that she wasn’t in love with him and that she was okay with the fact that he was gone and she didn’t know when she’d see him again, because California was very, very far away from New York, and they had two completely different sets of dreams.
She feels his eyes burning a hole in her back that she chooses to ignore, and loses herself in the music, in the movement, and then she’s surprised when he’s cutting in between her and Santana, and she’s at a loss of what to do.
He grabs her hand though, as he pulls her against him, and she tries to remember how to breathe.
The rest of their old friends are being shameless in the fact that they’ve all stopped to watch. Finn is actually leaning around Mike to watch the show.
She wishes she had the kind of friends who hadn’t broadcast the fact that she’d had “goodbye sex” with Noah Puckerman to the rest of their circle of friends, because it would make this situation a lot less awkward to deal with.
Especially when someone conniving, and she lays her bet on Kurt, slows the music down, so that they have to awkwardly move that much closer and look at each other to not look hopelessly uncoordinated.
Reply
“Hello.” She says politely, and leans back to look him in the eyes and wonders why he’s always that one person who can touch her, even lightly, and she feels the heat all the way into her skin.
“It’s been a while.” He says, and she knows he’s inwardly hating himself for sounding awkward, but she’s smiling because secretly, she thinks he’s being kind of adorable, and she’s glad she’s not the only one nervous and uncomfortable in this situation, even though he’s been in it a thousand times before, but never with her.
She wants to believe this means she’s different, but she’s not going to lay her hopes on the line yet.
“How are you doing?” She asks, genuinely curious. He talks about his life in LA, recording, his dog, his guitar, his mom and his sister, and she thinks of that morning where they’d lain in between her sheets and planned for a future they knew they couldn’t have together.
They talk and talk and talk, and then people are leaving, and she’s wondering where exactly the night ran away to. He’s always had this way of making her forget herself.
She’s missed him, so much, and when he walks her home, and they sit on her parents front porch to finish their conversation and their hands keep touching, she realises just how much. She wonders if she’ll ever find that again, someone who can half break her heart with an inevitable departure, who she doesn’t see for three years, and then all of a sudden she sees him, and her hearts doing flips and beating like it’s sixteen again, realising just how different Noah Puckerman is when he’s with her.
“This is where I saw you last.” He says, but he doesn’t look at her. She nods. Neither of them mention the fact that they stood in this spot with swollen lips, yawning and smiling and her still wrapped in a sheet that smelled like him, wondering if she’ll wake up again later on believing it to be a dream.
“You were waving goodbye, and fuck, no lie, if I hadn’t paid for my plane ticket, I would’ve stayed.” He’s not looking her when he says this, and she wishes he would.
“Remember all those fuckin’ stupid plans we made?” He asks, and he laughs a little bitterly as he finally looks at her.
“They weren’t stupid, Noah, if they’d have been possible, I would’ve wanted them. God, I wanted everything with you. Waving goodbye to you… I didn’t know what else to do that wasn’t reaching out, grabbing you, begging you to stay.”
“Not gonna lie, I’m finding it really hard to not make fun of you right now for that wave.”
She giggles a little, nudges him with her shoulder, and huffs when he doesn’t move an inch.
“At least I gave you that. What’d I get from you? A hug and a “later, B.” He’s smirking as she finishes speaking, and she wishes she hadn’t said anything at all.
“I think we both know what you got from me, and it was a lot more than a hug. Pretty sure I’ve got the scars to prove exactly what you got from me.”
“Shut up!” She shrieks, in between laughter. “Here’s me remembering this amazing night, with someone I’d wanted for far too long, and remembering it being one of the most romantic nights of my entire life, right up until that moment here on the porch, and there’s you thinking about the fact you got laid. Boys minds, they really suck sometimes.”
She’s pouting, and before she knows it, he’s leaning down to kiss her.
“m’sorry. Couldn’t resist.” He says, and she’s pretty sure that’s how it began that night when they were eighteen.
Reply
Later, as she lies sweaty on top of cooling sheets, him tickling her side as he strokes a finger along it, he talks in whispers about how he’d like to see a lot more of New York than he’s seen so far. And that there’s a lot he could show her in LA, next time she gets a break from her show.
It’s sounding a little like the plans they talked about making once when it was too late to confirm anything, and they were too young to make such serious plans. She looks at him as he speaks, and it takes a while, but she’s hopeful as hell and hates herself a little bit as she rolls over to face him and says, “Noah, this is beginning to sound a lot like a long distance relationship.”
“What, were you planning to just wave goodbye at the door again?” He asks and laughs as she hits him, and tells him he can come but he’s sleeping on the couch for that comment and he won’t even get a wave goodbye.
“You just try to resist me, woman.” He says with a smirk, as he tugs her on top of him again and kisses her indignation away.
Reply
Leave a comment