aquarius (birthday song)
today i fell asleep in a bath of hair.
hair that once sprouted from my own
white wet chalk follicles.
i swallowed a coal
and followed my breath
and i did it with the grapefruit soap
thinking of you
colleen has been having psychic dreams lately. unlike most peoples' poor excuses for inadvertent psychic experiences, colleen's are unwarranted, unpredictable, and consistently verified within a couple days' time. i.e., they are actual. they are generally symbolic and so a bit arbitrary, but there is always an event that in one way or another, despite its peculiar and specific qualities in the dream world, finds a way into our woken world of "tangibility". whatever, so;
colleen has said to me several times that there is a very specific memory she ties to her perception of me as a person. a characterizing moment-- we all have them, i think-- they are the first images and feelings and memories to arise when a person's name is mentioned. she recalls the first night that we hung out. it was a date, actually. we saw defiance, ohio, and my glasses broke and i had to walk my bike because she didn't have one, and we were sharing a bottle of jameson or something like it, and we were lackadaisically walking through and around mccarren park, and then we went back to my apartment and recorded ourselves on a karaoke website and then her drunk friends from san franscisco and her room mate showed up to get her and one of them had picked up an off duty cop at a lesbo bar whom she apparently dated for roughly a month following that night. it was a weeknight. she always hearkens back to a specific conversation we had that night-- about what, she can't exactly remember, but an acquaintance of mine walked by and interrupted us with a greeting-- it was beside a particular stretch of fence along mccarren park. that stretch of fence and the concrete escorting it is the first thing she thinks of when she thinks of me.
the day after colleen dreamt of dead squirrels and i, she was walking along mccarren park with her now-girlfriend vanessa, whom had born witness to colleen's description of the dream earlier that morning. as the two of them approached the swatch of fence-trees-sky-ground that for colleen is so characteristic of my existence, vanessa yelped and yanked colleen's body backward a few fence-rungs worth and, as i imagine it, pointed her bony finger toward the sidewalk with both disgust and childish excitement-- colleen's foot had been within about two inches of crushing the rib cage of a dead squirrel.
i'm turning 21 on wednesday. i'm not ready to be a fuzzy corpse on a sidewalk. i don't want to think that i might already be middle aged. i don't know what's going to happen to me in the next 10 years, but all signs are pointing to something physically debilitating. i'm not damning myself, though. i'm not expecting, and perhaps not even dreading. i'm just waiting; just like i've always been. because i don't know-- i really don't. perhaps that's what's been weighing on me so heavily lately. but no one ever knows, right? my chances are no worse than someone who forgets to look both ways on one-way streets. are they?
it just better not happen too soon. i'm not ready, not even close to fucking ready. all of this is just a long-ass bridge to something else, and i'm still walking it. i'm stuck halfway over it. i'm inherently meant to be productive and happy. i think. at least i feel like i am. i hope i am. it's been coming to me for 21 years now, and i think if i can stick it out for about 2 more, i can finally reach the life i've been gawking and groping at through the bars all this time. i don't know. i don'tknowidon'tknow. i just want to graduate and move to the other side of the country and do things the way they should have been done. i'm a lot healthier mentally than i've ever been, a lot less awkward in a lot of ways although recent health issues have created new social ones.
the bottom line is i don't want to die before i gain access to the opportunities i feel like i should have had in the first place.
i hope i'm reading it all wrong. of course i don't believe in miracles, but i suppose i do believe in karma. i've said this before.
all i can listen to lately
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hDhkX6CyAg
hair that once sprouted from my own
white wet chalk follicles.
i swallowed a coal
and followed my breath
and i did it with the grapefruit soap
thinking of you
colleen has been having psychic dreams lately. unlike most peoples' poor excuses for inadvertent psychic experiences, colleen's are unwarranted, unpredictable, and consistently verified within a couple days' time. i.e., they are actual. they are generally symbolic and so a bit arbitrary, but there is always an event that in one way or another, despite its peculiar and specific qualities in the dream world, finds a way into our woken world of "tangibility". whatever, so;
colleen has said to me several times that there is a very specific memory she ties to her perception of me as a person. a characterizing moment-- we all have them, i think-- they are the first images and feelings and memories to arise when a person's name is mentioned. she recalls the first night that we hung out. it was a date, actually. we saw defiance, ohio, and my glasses broke and i had to walk my bike because she didn't have one, and we were sharing a bottle of jameson or something like it, and we were lackadaisically walking through and around mccarren park, and then we went back to my apartment and recorded ourselves on a karaoke website and then her drunk friends from san franscisco and her room mate showed up to get her and one of them had picked up an off duty cop at a lesbo bar whom she apparently dated for roughly a month following that night. it was a weeknight. she always hearkens back to a specific conversation we had that night-- about what, she can't exactly remember, but an acquaintance of mine walked by and interrupted us with a greeting-- it was beside a particular stretch of fence along mccarren park. that stretch of fence and the concrete escorting it is the first thing she thinks of when she thinks of me.
the day after colleen dreamt of dead squirrels and i, she was walking along mccarren park with her now-girlfriend vanessa, whom had born witness to colleen's description of the dream earlier that morning. as the two of them approached the swatch of fence-trees-sky-ground that for colleen is so characteristic of my existence, vanessa yelped and yanked colleen's body backward a few fence-rungs worth and, as i imagine it, pointed her bony finger toward the sidewalk with both disgust and childish excitement-- colleen's foot had been within about two inches of crushing the rib cage of a dead squirrel.
i'm turning 21 on wednesday. i'm not ready to be a fuzzy corpse on a sidewalk. i don't want to think that i might already be middle aged. i don't know what's going to happen to me in the next 10 years, but all signs are pointing to something physically debilitating. i'm not damning myself, though. i'm not expecting, and perhaps not even dreading. i'm just waiting; just like i've always been. because i don't know-- i really don't. perhaps that's what's been weighing on me so heavily lately. but no one ever knows, right? my chances are no worse than someone who forgets to look both ways on one-way streets. are they?
it just better not happen too soon. i'm not ready, not even close to fucking ready. all of this is just a long-ass bridge to something else, and i'm still walking it. i'm stuck halfway over it. i'm inherently meant to be productive and happy. i think. at least i feel like i am. i hope i am. it's been coming to me for 21 years now, and i think if i can stick it out for about 2 more, i can finally reach the life i've been gawking and groping at through the bars all this time. i don't know. i don'tknowidon'tknow. i just want to graduate and move to the other side of the country and do things the way they should have been done. i'm a lot healthier mentally than i've ever been, a lot less awkward in a lot of ways although recent health issues have created new social ones.
the bottom line is i don't want to die before i gain access to the opportunities i feel like i should have had in the first place.
i hope i'm reading it all wrong. of course i don't believe in miracles, but i suppose i do believe in karma. i've said this before.
all i can listen to lately
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hDhkX6CyAg