Wow! have I neglected this thing that long fuck me!
Well lets see I guess I should sum up the past month.... Ok first off Trans Sibberian was awsome I think that was the best show I've ever gone to see... Tanya looked simply Beautiful.... she took my breath away.... I helped her with Christmas for her sisters which made me feel good and I spent it with Tanya and her family which was cool to be around I thought they'd be more hateful of me and do some out right blaming to my face on the whole Tanya divorce subject but no they were nice and had that southern hospitality thing that I quit enjoy I wish my family had that kind of customs oh yeah my sister I got to buy her a nice coat for christmas and some gloves and socks the fuzzy one for my mom my sister loved the jacket and Tanya fit it just the same as my sister which shows you how much my sister has grown I'm still not sure about her growing up I found out she's dating now and didn't tell me you can believe how made I was about that not that it's really my buisness but I still would like to know I mean shes always in on my important love life decisons I mean if my sister didn't like someone I wouldn't date them ... god my sister hated Audrey ... yeah I'll get to that subject in abit .... My sister has breasts now and there getting bigger and yes I know that's part of life but in a way I still think she's like 5 and in a way I let go of that an dremember that she's 13 scary stuff I hate this big brother thing in a way too I have to fill in for the role of two brothers cause mines an ass and can't show up when needed... I have issues I learned a few things bout myself last month one that I cry on cue during father son movie moments or father anything moments Tanya got to see it which I'm happy someone got to see me cry I don't do it much but I'm still getting used to it she knows so much about me and is so much me in a way... huh scary like Twilight Zone but more comforting than anything I've been able to sleep better since I met her and it's nice to crul up to someone and watch them sleep and know without a doubt that they love you like no worry about where their heart lies and no worries about there loyalty and just real love I haven't felt that since Kim and I felt deadand drained and I'm able to enjoy the little things again with someone who does appricates them or atleast shows me that they do mean something to them ... ok ranting in my usual ranting style .... I had a weird dream a few weeks ago and it's still on my mind hard core you ever had a dream that was yours but not yours it was unusual even for you well I did it scared the living shit out of me Involing my father and brother and my old consultant job and a motorcycle and some random stranger stepping out into the road and just looking at me and then moving out of the way and gone... fuckin weird and frustrating like a gig-saw puzzle you have all the pieces but they fit all wrong and never fit well where you think they should.... Fuzzy all over.... ok well anywho I enjoyed the christmas season which is unusual for me.... I've usually been mad or not caring but this year was different I've been happy trying to focus on my life for once and not pleasing other all the time allittle bit to those I feel deserve it and respect it and ah ... Enjoy it... moving on tho... anywho Tanya met my Ex's and yeah that was weird they like I don't even know it still boggles my brain both like hitting on me and each other and then Audrey trying to make Tanya Jealous and then it was a mess in my mind ... Then the fights over the engaement and the more fights over things that don't matter now... it's over and even tho she kissed me a few times I realize how much there wasn't there between us anymore just I realized I guess because of Tanya and how pure her love feels and her warmth that Audrey wasn't real love yeah time to time but not where it counts Poetry, flowers, special thoughts, notes concealed to surprise you like a present under the christmas tree when you were like 5ish.... ya know it wasn't there and all I could think about was Ta... and obvisously all Audrey could think about in the mist of trying to say I was the only guy for her was her ex Justin... god she was surprised I was all in the season and whatnot and I could only reply with well I got to enjoy it this year!...so I have to say I'm glad I didn't move this is home I'm here for good I cna't leave yet and there alot I'm not done with here there's alot of people I called friends that I'm done with cause there not they simply didn't care and weren't there when I needed them this summer and well I understand so much more lately and have been pushing myself to do better get stronger and try to make it for once... I feel like I did when I came back from truck driving new and unblinded... yeah so I'm trying to get a loan after I pay off my car 1250.00 by the 15th I'm 500.00 short if it gets payed I can go for a personal loan that will pay off stuff and help with moving and whatnot when and if it gets time to it and then there tax time yeah tax time I love it this year cause I've been paying $15.00 extra to taxes this year out of every pay check that's a shit load extra money liek 1000.00 more I'm hoping I may be in for a high tax bracet thou I do have a few write offs tho for medical like my back problems and whatnot are tax writable for the visits and mileage I'm looking for a new job too got my resume typed trying for something real again consulting or don't know yet but the papers a good start I need a job with more hours.. as much as I like Toys'r us it was seasonal and only to pay off the car and once that's done I'll be able to do so much more and like live again gee that's been awhile to say that again... anyway I think that's all I went through another yet again life openers this year and I realize eveytime I have one I grow again I think this is the next step after we stop having growth spurts we have like soul growth spurts you grow as a person and learn from the past I have alot in my past I'm not proud of but don't regret it's made me.. well me and I like who I am ... all last year I hated myself I hated what I was doing work wise and I hate feeling alone( especially when it came to my fathers death all the people who said they were friends till the end well they can suck my cock in the figurtive way ) cause I did and out of the most of it I hated the shit I heard come out of there mouths... all crap one sided crap don't take a second to talk to anyone Ass wipes... I've felt better bout myself the moment I laid eyes across he dance floor feel freed in a sense... anywho!! WoW! I needed that Venting rocks I all the suden feel all sunny dispositioned and whatnot...lol I think I'll go home and drink a nice glass of meade and draw some sounds good if I don't say so myself and then I have to wake up and take care of plan A! and then I'll try to write tommorrow about what exactly plan A is and how it went..... hee hee ... oh yeah before I forgot I got ahole of my friends from russia or atleast Olga and Anna that was awsome I missed them so much Anna e-mailed me and I found out she's still in the states in Jersey I'm going to try to plan a road trip to see her later this year.(Anna helped me through so much and was the friend that was there to show me it was ok to have some fun and try to let go my father death atleast long enough to watch the dolphines early morning jumping out of the water in Oean City)Anna,Sophy,Olga and a few more from camp I'm bad with names lol... ok well like I said it's good to have a place to vent!