(no subject)
There comes a time in a persons life when enough is enough. You see that for too long you have been taking stuff from everyone else. You never did anything about it. Now that you think about it all- you have no clue as to why you did not do anything to help yourself. In some situations there is no way for you to help your own self. You have to depend on others. You of course do not want to do this, but what else can you do. They always say it will not be long, you will see. Yet, as you look at the future and try to think that it will not be too much longer until you are out of harms way, depression and reality hits you. The limit and wait you have seems too long. You know you are too much to just throw it all away. But some times none of that matters. All the optimistic things leave your mind, opening the door for the pessimistic. Ok, you laugh at the word. You are not ok. You cannot describe your feelings. All that you know is ok is far from how you are now. Whenever that day of release comes you will be filled with joy. But, unfortunately, you can never forget. Physical abuse leaves a scar, soon it fades. Mental abuse leaves a scar that never fades- it will haunt you for all of your days. You could never look at that person again in the same way you used to.
If you are close to me, you know about my parents. I will refresh you though. They are divorced and my mother is and alcoholic and drug addict. I am about to be fourteen, so the time will come for me to decide who I want to live with. Last night my mother, who had been drinking, was talking to my Dad and mistook something he said to that I was for sure going to live with him. She asked me if this was true. I told her I did not know. Honestly, I do not. I have not given enough thought to it. This will tear a child to pieces though- the thought of having one parent hate you. From then on last night all she did was yell, scream, and call me things.. Things I never thought anyone would dare call me. I think it is a sad state when the worst things you have ever been called were by your mother. She would not leave me a lone. She kept going at it. I tried to take my Dad and friend's advice of just going to my room, locking the door, and try to get some sleep. That did not work. She would come to my door, yell, kick, punch, scream, and so on. I remember around eleven I called my friend for the last time- I was horrified for my life. Around twelve it stopped. I was awaken this morning at 5:30 by her calling the house from her cell phone just so that I would answer it so she could yell at me. I had practice this morning at 7:45. I got up and spent thirty minutes trying to stop the swelling and puffiness of my eyes. She kept yelling and saying all the same things. She told me to fend for myself... Fend for myself? I am only note even 14 yet. She told me too cook, clean, wash clothes, find my own way to places- all on my own. She was tired of doing the parent thing...
I tried to talk to her this afternoon after practice- she did not want to talk to me. I sis not even raise my voice at her. All she could do was yell and scream. She said she did not want to talk to me about it. I was now to the point of tears because I just wanted everything to be.. ok. I came to the point to tell her that I had thought about ending it all last night (suicide). I thought she would try to help me now that I was breaking down. Her exact words were- " Why don't you go and accomplish that." I could not believe it. My own mother just told me to go and accomplish killing myself. That was the final straw. I knew that had I stay there with her, I cannot think that I would be able to make it. I called my Dad to come and get me. I am staying here with him until Saturday, which is my birthday party. Goodness, I can only hope it will go well. For the past three years she had ruined it. She was drunk one time, kicked my Dad out the next two times. I wish, I wish she would not even be there. I do ont want her there. I do not want to try to make up a smile and act like evreything is ok when everything is not ok.
I cannot really express to you the full point of how confused and hurt I am. I do not know who to believe or trust between her and my father. I have so much pressure on me with this decision. I do not want to make it. I know my best intentions and good are with him. She is moving out in January. She has already found another place- out of state. Oh God, what have I done! Everything was fine and then- all of this happened. I feel like I am torn between the two and I am the cause of it all. I am so worried for the next seven months with her. I just want everything to go away. I do not see the point in moving forward when everything I can see so far looks so dark and gloomy.
I know that some of these things I said contradict the whole entire purpose of my life. I know God has given me so many great gifts. he gave me this on fire passion for Him. Yet, why is it whenever something like this happens, I see death as the only way out? I know that is not my purpose and I know there are better things in store. Sometimes I feel like my purpose was to just sit here to handle this. They say God will never give us more than we can bear. Why do I feel like I am on a thin wire that at any sudden burst of movement will easily brake? I have been praying to Him. I hope He settles everything soon. I know His timing is never mine- I wish it were sometimes. I need answers from Him. I need God time now.. I need to pray, read, and find answers.
This guy situation is working out well. I am not going to date for another three months.. I know I have to keep reminding myself of that. I talked to him on the phone on Monday. We talked for a little over an hour. It was good and I got some matters cleared up and he is suppose to be here on Saturday. I do not know what God has in store for this. I do not even know why this is happening. I guess then it comes to it that God is God and why should he have to give us a reason. Everything does have a reason and purpose though. You could only be in one person's life for a day, month, or years, but in some way you influenced them and you impacted them in some way. You may never know and they might never tell you. I like to think of it like that though. That I was meant to do this or that for some reason. I do not believe that something just happens. Maybe if you think about it a little more you might get where I am coming from.
The last thing I am going to do is quote some of the things that was said to me last night. I must say some of this, well all of it is not nice... Some of the thing she said were of the following: "you stupid little b****, you two-faced b****, b***, I hate you, I am threw with you, f*** you, I hope you rot in hell with you father, you're no Christian, you are not the Christian girl I thought you were, Why don't you accomplish that (suicide), leave, I am leaving you, I do not want you to come back." I told you it was not nice did I not? Do not worry though. I do not have to see her until Saturday.
I pray that God will take control over this situation. Keep me and my family in your prayers. I could use it. Or just someone to talk to now and then. I do not like to talk about it really. I mean when a person goes through this they never really wan to talk about it. They are ashamed to say it even happened. I have come out more this year with it. I am kind of ashamed though. Yet, what can you hid from those who see right through you? Nothing I presume. They always know when something is wrong.
!~ The state of mind that will hinder us all is our own. Never to admit it we go on. How crazy that in only your perception can you be sane and, yet to those who do not even know you- you can be insane. This state of mind you see does not just go away. You first shutter at the thought as you try to ignore them. Soon enough the thoughts and feelings are so loud that you scream trying to overcome their volume. It is like you are sick with these things. Lies and falsehoods become the truth. All you know is what you have assumed in your own mind. You distance yourself from everyone- because you trust no one and dare not try. Everyone seems like an enemy to you.. The world to you is against you. Who is with you but yourself and the voices? You exhaust yourself of trying to beat them. You must conquer! It has been too long, my friend. With no help and deserting yourself from every single thing that could have held onto you while you were clinging on the edge, you are alone. To try to get help now seems impossible. Coming back to point of being sane and coming right back to reality scares you. Why are you afraid? Do you not remember how it felt to be in a stable state instead of relying on prescriptions and doctors? Tell me, tell me now who has done this to you? I am your only friend, and all I want is to help you! You have done this to yourself. You are your own hazard, poison. The more you take in of you, the closer you come to letting go of the final grip you hold. Do keep hold! In an instant they will be here to help you. You now hold on by the loosest grip of all possiblee of existing. When they arrived- they found the prescription bottles empty and a note that said, " No on is same alone in their own state of mind."-Logan Lee Byars-!
If you are close to me, you know about my parents. I will refresh you though. They are divorced and my mother is and alcoholic and drug addict. I am about to be fourteen, so the time will come for me to decide who I want to live with. Last night my mother, who had been drinking, was talking to my Dad and mistook something he said to that I was for sure going to live with him. She asked me if this was true. I told her I did not know. Honestly, I do not. I have not given enough thought to it. This will tear a child to pieces though- the thought of having one parent hate you. From then on last night all she did was yell, scream, and call me things.. Things I never thought anyone would dare call me. I think it is a sad state when the worst things you have ever been called were by your mother. She would not leave me a lone. She kept going at it. I tried to take my Dad and friend's advice of just going to my room, locking the door, and try to get some sleep. That did not work. She would come to my door, yell, kick, punch, scream, and so on. I remember around eleven I called my friend for the last time- I was horrified for my life. Around twelve it stopped. I was awaken this morning at 5:30 by her calling the house from her cell phone just so that I would answer it so she could yell at me. I had practice this morning at 7:45. I got up and spent thirty minutes trying to stop the swelling and puffiness of my eyes. She kept yelling and saying all the same things. She told me to fend for myself... Fend for myself? I am only note even 14 yet. She told me too cook, clean, wash clothes, find my own way to places- all on my own. She was tired of doing the parent thing...
I tried to talk to her this afternoon after practice- she did not want to talk to me. I sis not even raise my voice at her. All she could do was yell and scream. She said she did not want to talk to me about it. I was now to the point of tears because I just wanted everything to be.. ok. I came to the point to tell her that I had thought about ending it all last night (suicide). I thought she would try to help me now that I was breaking down. Her exact words were- " Why don't you go and accomplish that." I could not believe it. My own mother just told me to go and accomplish killing myself. That was the final straw. I knew that had I stay there with her, I cannot think that I would be able to make it. I called my Dad to come and get me. I am staying here with him until Saturday, which is my birthday party. Goodness, I can only hope it will go well. For the past three years she had ruined it. She was drunk one time, kicked my Dad out the next two times. I wish, I wish she would not even be there. I do ont want her there. I do not want to try to make up a smile and act like evreything is ok when everything is not ok.
I cannot really express to you the full point of how confused and hurt I am. I do not know who to believe or trust between her and my father. I have so much pressure on me with this decision. I do not want to make it. I know my best intentions and good are with him. She is moving out in January. She has already found another place- out of state. Oh God, what have I done! Everything was fine and then- all of this happened. I feel like I am torn between the two and I am the cause of it all. I am so worried for the next seven months with her. I just want everything to go away. I do not see the point in moving forward when everything I can see so far looks so dark and gloomy.
I know that some of these things I said contradict the whole entire purpose of my life. I know God has given me so many great gifts. he gave me this on fire passion for Him. Yet, why is it whenever something like this happens, I see death as the only way out? I know that is not my purpose and I know there are better things in store. Sometimes I feel like my purpose was to just sit here to handle this. They say God will never give us more than we can bear. Why do I feel like I am on a thin wire that at any sudden burst of movement will easily brake? I have been praying to Him. I hope He settles everything soon. I know His timing is never mine- I wish it were sometimes. I need answers from Him. I need God time now.. I need to pray, read, and find answers.
This guy situation is working out well. I am not going to date for another three months.. I know I have to keep reminding myself of that. I talked to him on the phone on Monday. We talked for a little over an hour. It was good and I got some matters cleared up and he is suppose to be here on Saturday. I do not know what God has in store for this. I do not even know why this is happening. I guess then it comes to it that God is God and why should he have to give us a reason. Everything does have a reason and purpose though. You could only be in one person's life for a day, month, or years, but in some way you influenced them and you impacted them in some way. You may never know and they might never tell you. I like to think of it like that though. That I was meant to do this or that for some reason. I do not believe that something just happens. Maybe if you think about it a little more you might get where I am coming from.
The last thing I am going to do is quote some of the things that was said to me last night. I must say some of this, well all of it is not nice... Some of the thing she said were of the following: "you stupid little b****, you two-faced b****, b***, I hate you, I am threw with you, f*** you, I hope you rot in hell with you father, you're no Christian, you are not the Christian girl I thought you were, Why don't you accomplish that (suicide), leave, I am leaving you, I do not want you to come back." I told you it was not nice did I not? Do not worry though. I do not have to see her until Saturday.
I pray that God will take control over this situation. Keep me and my family in your prayers. I could use it. Or just someone to talk to now and then. I do not like to talk about it really. I mean when a person goes through this they never really wan to talk about it. They are ashamed to say it even happened. I have come out more this year with it. I am kind of ashamed though. Yet, what can you hid from those who see right through you? Nothing I presume. They always know when something is wrong.
!~ The state of mind that will hinder us all is our own. Never to admit it we go on. How crazy that in only your perception can you be sane and, yet to those who do not even know you- you can be insane. This state of mind you see does not just go away. You first shutter at the thought as you try to ignore them. Soon enough the thoughts and feelings are so loud that you scream trying to overcome their volume. It is like you are sick with these things. Lies and falsehoods become the truth. All you know is what you have assumed in your own mind. You distance yourself from everyone- because you trust no one and dare not try. Everyone seems like an enemy to you.. The world to you is against you. Who is with you but yourself and the voices? You exhaust yourself of trying to beat them. You must conquer! It has been too long, my friend. With no help and deserting yourself from every single thing that could have held onto you while you were clinging on the edge, you are alone. To try to get help now seems impossible. Coming back to point of being sane and coming right back to reality scares you. Why are you afraid? Do you not remember how it felt to be in a stable state instead of relying on prescriptions and doctors? Tell me, tell me now who has done this to you? I am your only friend, and all I want is to help you! You have done this to yourself. You are your own hazard, poison. The more you take in of you, the closer you come to letting go of the final grip you hold. Do keep hold! In an instant they will be here to help you. You now hold on by the loosest grip of all possiblee of existing. When they arrived- they found the prescription bottles empty and a note that said, " No on is same alone in their own state of mind."-Logan Lee Byars-!