Realization
I have realized some startling things in the past two days. In my case anything is startling, anything that catches me off guard. I do not really understand how things go unrealized. How can something that is a part of reality and the present stay undiscovered. You live your live around it every day and, yet you never really bring yourself to know that it is there. I find myself in this dazed and confused position. I danced around these facts day by day. I was living in the past instead of the present. I was holding on to wild, passionate dreams that are not going to come true. Things have changed. My opinion of what I want and what I need have drastically changed. Most of all, I do not feel the same. I have changed. Change comes like a rushing tide. It does not always come at the same speed or with the same force, but it always comes. It is not always for the bad- good is hidden in some change. These changes I have found for the good. It took me a while to actually come to my reality to realize that they were for the best. I love the feeling I get when I assure myself that it is ok. PLus, God is in control.
One thing that came to me dealt with a forgotten loved one. When I say forgotten loved one, I feel sort of ashamed to admit I forgot someone who impacted me so much. I met someone exactly a year ago on a mission trip. We left as close friend and continued to talk all the time. Well, what can I say- life happened. We lost touch over a stupid controversy. I continued to call for a couple of weeks in spirts. No matter how much I tried to patch it all up- it never changed. Of course you cannot put a two individual thing together without the other part being willing. As I said life happened. I moved on and so did he. I actually forgot about him. I thought it was for the best and long distance relationships never work anyway. I did not feel any remorse. He called me Friday out of the blue. He had jsut recently got out of rehab for drugs and suicide. It has only been since then and he is confessing his feelings that he still has, how much he loves me, how he wants to be with me, and how he wants to see me over the summer. This is making me a nervous wreck. Plus, he has a girlfriend. I sat and thought about it today. I no longer feel the same; I love someone else. I cannot look at him the same way I did. He blew me off for a misunderstanding that he put out of proportion. I do not feel the same as he does at all. I want to just be his friend. I cannot hurt him though. He just lost his best friend and got out of rehab. I do not want him to think no one is there for Him. I tell him that God is always there. My only way out is to tell him everything I just said. That will be so hard. It is just that I have not really been in this position before, even though I have been on his side. How can you be with someone, someone that you do not love and know you never will?
The second thing that I realized deals with my father. I notcied that in the past few months anytime I talk about him, I call him Alvin. He is dad, but I have called him Alvin. I do not remember the last I time I was in a conversation and called him dad or father. As a child I thought he has was great man, a noble man. I guess I cannot stay daddy's little girl forever. After the divorce and all- I see a different side of him. I fear him. I know about the lies he has told and the things he has done to my mother. I never will forget the things he has done to me. Something that will always make me hate and fear him. I thought about what I want to do for my life. I have told him about it before. He does not support me in anything I choose. The only thing he supports me in is basketball, which I hate. He is trying to live his life through me. Who would think that at such a young age I am thinking of the people I would rather have give me away at my wedding than him. I am ashamed to admit that. It is just that he has not been there and he id not the man I thought he was. My relationship with him has changed. I am not as close to him as I was before all of this. To him I am his daughter, but to me he is Alvin.... my dad.
As far as the things that I said happened on the last day of school- nothing new has came from either situation. Tonight the on who kissed me was online. He is hardly ever on. He IMed me and I had my away message up. Right when I got to the computer and IMed him back- he was gone. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know I will not date for a while, but I still have that curiousity. I want to know why and what he was and is thinking. I want to know if it really meant anything. I do not want this to turn into to just some thing that happened over summer. Some people have said call him, ask him. I cannot do either. I have given him my number. I do not expect him to call, but maybe he will. I will not chase him more than he is chasing me. If time goes on for a long period of time, I might call. This will show if he really wants to do something about this or not. With the other case of the one who I thought was just a friend, I do not know what to do. I keep listening to the song over and over. I wish he would have told me sooner. I never knew nor could I tell. He is one I let slip by. I was always too preoccupied. I will get intouch with him over the summer. This will not just be a lost case.
In a few days my summer will start to fly by. I have so many things to do this summer. I am starting to stress. I have the most things to do this summer than ever before.
Summer Plans:
1. Basketball: This Monday through Friday 6:30-7:30. Workouts about every other week from 9- 11 AM
2. Dance: Every Tuesday from 7-9 PM
3. June 4- birthday party
4. VBS: grace Pabtish Church. Four-year olds. 8:30-11:30 AM. June 5-9
5. June 11- Birthday
6. Basketball Camp: June 13-17
7. Family Reunion: June 17-19
8. Every Wednesday night two Bible studies. GBC-6-7, Gateway- 7-9/10 PM
9. Help with world changers...
10. Learn Hebrew with Mr. Minish
11. Mission Trip: July 16-22
12. Vacation: July
One thing that came to me dealt with a forgotten loved one. When I say forgotten loved one, I feel sort of ashamed to admit I forgot someone who impacted me so much. I met someone exactly a year ago on a mission trip. We left as close friend and continued to talk all the time. Well, what can I say- life happened. We lost touch over a stupid controversy. I continued to call for a couple of weeks in spirts. No matter how much I tried to patch it all up- it never changed. Of course you cannot put a two individual thing together without the other part being willing. As I said life happened. I moved on and so did he. I actually forgot about him. I thought it was for the best and long distance relationships never work anyway. I did not feel any remorse. He called me Friday out of the blue. He had jsut recently got out of rehab for drugs and suicide. It has only been since then and he is confessing his feelings that he still has, how much he loves me, how he wants to be with me, and how he wants to see me over the summer. This is making me a nervous wreck. Plus, he has a girlfriend. I sat and thought about it today. I no longer feel the same; I love someone else. I cannot look at him the same way I did. He blew me off for a misunderstanding that he put out of proportion. I do not feel the same as he does at all. I want to just be his friend. I cannot hurt him though. He just lost his best friend and got out of rehab. I do not want him to think no one is there for Him. I tell him that God is always there. My only way out is to tell him everything I just said. That will be so hard. It is just that I have not really been in this position before, even though I have been on his side. How can you be with someone, someone that you do not love and know you never will?
The second thing that I realized deals with my father. I notcied that in the past few months anytime I talk about him, I call him Alvin. He is dad, but I have called him Alvin. I do not remember the last I time I was in a conversation and called him dad or father. As a child I thought he has was great man, a noble man. I guess I cannot stay daddy's little girl forever. After the divorce and all- I see a different side of him. I fear him. I know about the lies he has told and the things he has done to my mother. I never will forget the things he has done to me. Something that will always make me hate and fear him. I thought about what I want to do for my life. I have told him about it before. He does not support me in anything I choose. The only thing he supports me in is basketball, which I hate. He is trying to live his life through me. Who would think that at such a young age I am thinking of the people I would rather have give me away at my wedding than him. I am ashamed to admit that. It is just that he has not been there and he id not the man I thought he was. My relationship with him has changed. I am not as close to him as I was before all of this. To him I am his daughter, but to me he is Alvin.... my dad.
As far as the things that I said happened on the last day of school- nothing new has came from either situation. Tonight the on who kissed me was online. He is hardly ever on. He IMed me and I had my away message up. Right when I got to the computer and IMed him back- he was gone. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. I know I will not date for a while, but I still have that curiousity. I want to know why and what he was and is thinking. I want to know if it really meant anything. I do not want this to turn into to just some thing that happened over summer. Some people have said call him, ask him. I cannot do either. I have given him my number. I do not expect him to call, but maybe he will. I will not chase him more than he is chasing me. If time goes on for a long period of time, I might call. This will show if he really wants to do something about this or not. With the other case of the one who I thought was just a friend, I do not know what to do. I keep listening to the song over and over. I wish he would have told me sooner. I never knew nor could I tell. He is one I let slip by. I was always too preoccupied. I will get intouch with him over the summer. This will not just be a lost case.
In a few days my summer will start to fly by. I have so many things to do this summer. I am starting to stress. I have the most things to do this summer than ever before.
Summer Plans:
1. Basketball: This Monday through Friday 6:30-7:30. Workouts about every other week from 9- 11 AM
2. Dance: Every Tuesday from 7-9 PM
3. June 4- birthday party
4. VBS: grace Pabtish Church. Four-year olds. 8:30-11:30 AM. June 5-9
5. June 11- Birthday
6. Basketball Camp: June 13-17
7. Family Reunion: June 17-19
8. Every Wednesday night two Bible studies. GBC-6-7, Gateway- 7-9/10 PM
9. Help with world changers...
10. Learn Hebrew with Mr. Minish
11. Mission Trip: July 16-22
12. Vacation: July