i won't be around here for too very long..
A lot has happened. I got grounded. Turned 18. Aunt Donna died. I got accepted to Florida Atlantic University. To sum it up.
Sucks. It’s my last Halloween here. And I have to work. And have the pleasant job of generously awarding the annoying/fat kids of Swedesboro free candy. Ironically enough, they get free candy everyday by stealing it from Botto’s anyway.
-----
I want to reach a point of precious peace and serenity.
I want to have faith in something.
Something real.
Something that I can feel spiritually.
I want to have a life changing experience.
I want to simply be inspired.
My birthday was one of the most confusing days of my life.
Emotions wise, anyway.
I felt sad, but it wasn't the same sad I felt for Mollie.
I don’t think that everything happens for a reason.
I think that's just an excuse, and an easy way out.
..I'm such an optimist..
I think things just happen
And people cope
And heal
And learn
Or not learn.
I wish there were some sort of guide to life..
A reference for which you could look up everything that's going wrong in your life
Without being judged.
And then provided would be a solution.
And you would find solace.
And would be given direction.
The morning of my birthday I felt antipathy towards my mom.
Because I was grounded
And not allowed to go out on my 18th birthday.
I hated how she thought she could do all these nice things to make my birthday better, when really I just wanted to be treated like an adult.
Nothing else.
Just wanted some respect.
Renewed trust.
But we've broken the trust thing so much that I know it's impossible to ask for it back and have her full confidence.
I received the news before lunch.
.. And I thought to myself,
What an incredible thing it is to be alive.
To feel.
To experience.
To love.
Aunt Donna died and I felt selfish.
I felt for my mom because, even though we argue all the time, when I hear her cry, it tears me apart.
Especially since I realized what she's reliving.
When she was young, her dad died.
When she was 19, her mom died.
Aunt Donna's husband (my mom's brother) died 8 years ago.
They have 3 kids.
They have been through so much.
Too much.
I thought back to the last time Aunt Donna and I spoke.
It was at work.
At botto's.
Where we used to work together.
When I first started working at botto's, she grabbed me by the arm and said "Brielle, I need to tell you something.."
I gave her a confused look, because she looked genuinely concerned.
She said, "Don't talk to the Mexicans. Don’t smile at them. Don’t look at them. Don’t communicate with them in any way. Because if you do, they will never leave you alone"
All the while I was searching in her expression for some hint of a smile. But there was none. This woman was dead serious. What a character. <3
And so, through my surreal 18th birthday, through yelling at my mom and feeling disheartened,, to enduring tears of devastation for Aunt Donna, to being with my friends and remembering how grateful I am to be here, I realized, being 18 doesn’t automatically place a ‘mature’ label on you. Maybe I’m still young and impressionable. And god knows I have so much more to learn and so many more chances to fuck up. But thank god for that. Thank god I’m still here and that I have been given the chance to live another day. <3
Sucks. It’s my last Halloween here. And I have to work. And have the pleasant job of generously awarding the annoying/fat kids of Swedesboro free candy. Ironically enough, they get free candy everyday by stealing it from Botto’s anyway.
-----
I want to reach a point of precious peace and serenity.
I want to have faith in something.
Something real.
Something that I can feel spiritually.
I want to have a life changing experience.
I want to simply be inspired.
My birthday was one of the most confusing days of my life.
Emotions wise, anyway.
I felt sad, but it wasn't the same sad I felt for Mollie.
I don’t think that everything happens for a reason.
I think that's just an excuse, and an easy way out.
..I'm such an optimist..
I think things just happen
And people cope
And heal
And learn
Or not learn.
I wish there were some sort of guide to life..
A reference for which you could look up everything that's going wrong in your life
Without being judged.
And then provided would be a solution.
And you would find solace.
And would be given direction.
The morning of my birthday I felt antipathy towards my mom.
Because I was grounded
And not allowed to go out on my 18th birthday.
I hated how she thought she could do all these nice things to make my birthday better, when really I just wanted to be treated like an adult.
Nothing else.
Just wanted some respect.
Renewed trust.
But we've broken the trust thing so much that I know it's impossible to ask for it back and have her full confidence.
I received the news before lunch.
.. And I thought to myself,
What an incredible thing it is to be alive.
To feel.
To experience.
To love.
Aunt Donna died and I felt selfish.
I felt for my mom because, even though we argue all the time, when I hear her cry, it tears me apart.
Especially since I realized what she's reliving.
When she was young, her dad died.
When she was 19, her mom died.
Aunt Donna's husband (my mom's brother) died 8 years ago.
They have 3 kids.
They have been through so much.
Too much.
I thought back to the last time Aunt Donna and I spoke.
It was at work.
At botto's.
Where we used to work together.
When I first started working at botto's, she grabbed me by the arm and said "Brielle, I need to tell you something.."
I gave her a confused look, because she looked genuinely concerned.
She said, "Don't talk to the Mexicans. Don’t smile at them. Don’t look at them. Don’t communicate with them in any way. Because if you do, they will never leave you alone"
All the while I was searching in her expression for some hint of a smile. But there was none. This woman was dead serious. What a character. <3
And so, through my surreal 18th birthday, through yelling at my mom and feeling disheartened,, to enduring tears of devastation for Aunt Donna, to being with my friends and remembering how grateful I am to be here, I realized, being 18 doesn’t automatically place a ‘mature’ label on you. Maybe I’m still young and impressionable. And god knows I have so much more to learn and so many more chances to fuck up. But thank god for that. Thank god I’m still here and that I have been given the chance to live another day. <3