Babble and confusion (couldnt type exactly all)
Ok. Well here’s the deal. Brian said he had to think about it when I asked him out. Next day I went to his sister Sarah’s Halloween party. We were having fun and I think he could tell I was sad...I left him alone alot. Well later that nite we were all in the kitchen, his mom, dad, sister, brother and a bunch of his sisters friends. I lay my head down on my knees (I’m flexible that way) and he looks at me and smiles with that I’m sad but Ill smile, smile. haa Then he puts his arm and head around mine and says something along the lines of: I know I’m making you sad and I’m sorry. I’m young and I don’t know what I want right now. You know I love you and I wanna be with you but I’m just not ready for a relationship. Then he says something cute and makes me smile. Then he kisses me. :0/ The whole nite everyone kept saying I was his gurlfriend and he never corrected them. After the little thing with him and I went on he kept saying I was his lover. Idk. Then later (around 4am) we were walking back to his house and he brought it up again, saying how he feels really bad becuz he knows I’m sad and he wants a relationship but then he doesn’t. Which I know how he feels. GOD! What perfect timing to not know what you want. He’s confusing me. I’m confusing me. I don’t want us to stop messing around and being lovey cuz I’m afraid if we do stop he'll find someone else and when he’s ready for a relationship he'll go out with them instead of me. I wanna be with him so bad and I’m the dumbest person for letting him go in the first place. For 2 years I’ve been regretting it. I love him so much and I’m so happy with him. I’m so afraid to loose Brian. I know if he finds another gurl I’ll never see him again, and I just couldn’t be friends with someone I love that much. Idk what to do with myself. When I say I’d rather have him then Joe...you know I love this kid with my whole hart. Joe means alot to me but Brian means more. That sounds krazy but itz not. Itz totally true. I hate myself. I wish I could have a guarantee that we'd be together when he’s ready. Idk. Why am I so pathetic? I'M SO AFRAID TO LOOSE HIM!