Remember this one?..from moooonths ago...
I had this conversation tonight and he made me realize that nothing, in any type of relationship, gets better with distance, and he asked me what I hope to accomplish by not talking to you, and I honestly didn’t know what to tell him except that we both seem pretty edgy and angry with each other lately and we needed to cool off, even though that wasn’t my initial reason. So basically he made me see that we are not getting anywhere like this. At least, I don’t think we are. If talking was the problem then not talking isn’t going to solve that. And I was so confused and frustrated with the way I felt that I didn’t know how to comprehend what I wanted in order to improve any situation. So I’m not here to tell you, again, what is bothering me and what you do to make that happen. I just want to tell you what I have been thinking about these past days.
What’s in my head right now is that I don’t like *not* talking to you and it has been eating away at me. Then again I’m afraid that if I don’t allow this *time* that I entrusted in, then its just going to be the same, where I feel ignored and that we are not apart of each others lives. But I chose to work with that with you through communication and efforts on both our parts, instead of somehow achieving this individually then later reconvene and try to piece together the distance between us, which I fear will only grow more and more as we don’t talk. And I feel dumb saying all this to you when you told me you really don’t understand what I’m saying or where I’m coming from. But I need to tell you anyways. All I have said this whole time is that it’s all because I want to feel close to you, like I know what you’re going to say before you say it, like we get lost in each others minds and come out of it growing more together, and all this because time spent over the phone or online. So maybe, for me, designate a time frame to just talk to me on the phone with no video game or other distractions, and just talk to me that would mean the world to me. I don’t want you to sound mad at me for no reason when you talk to me. But if there is a reason your mad at me, then tell me instead of displaying some bullshit scene to me to *make* me ask you what’s wrong. Just be straight with me and laid back and please don’t take things out of content because it’s not worth the trouble in ensues. I am worth it. You are worth it. Not talking to you for 20 seconds online and you getting in a hissy fit and leaving and me getting angry, is not worth it. And the physical distance right now is hard because I feel stagnant with everything because I can’t be with you ya know, so I feel stuck, and maybe I carried that onto your shoulders and blamed you for that.
But no matter how I feel right now, or how you’re acting, I cannot walk away from you in any manner, even if it’s temporary. I think about you all the dam time and I imagine what It would be like if you were with me that moment and I know in my heart it will be better than how I feel right now, because I will be with you. You make me laugh and smile and I stand beside myself when I remember that a great guy actually likes me. I would never throw that away, I think on some subconscious level I figured if we backed off from each other, you would see all that I have felt and would want to run back to me and more appreciate having me to talk to and be in your life. But I know you care for me, and ultimately that’s all that matters, and now is not the easiest way to show it, so I understand.
I know you are going through your own stresses, you sound like it when I talk to you, and you are easily distracted, but I want to be there for you, just like you want to be for me. You tell me that everything you ever told me you meant it, so I think back to the things we talk about and how much they griped my heart, and sank my stomach with nerves of joy and release, almost as if I had no worries, because you are here now. I really do want my life to be with you for as long as you want me in yours, and like I said before its because we have a will for it to be so, an that’s what’s going to make it work. I don’t play relationship games, or deal with petty drama, I don’t like yelling, or arguing because I am so sick of that-I grew up with it and I am not continuing on the curse that rips loved ones apart. So I am really sensitive to it. Yelling and arguing and confrontation really upsets me and breaks my heart, so I either blow up or I shut down, so please understand that about me.
I just want you, and all of you. I want to hold you in my arms knowing that I grasp my inspiration, support, and the other part of me. Just accept that some things I can’t reveal to you entirely because I have to preserve some dignity within myself, so I keep it to me. And I am going through a lot and I will be for a long time, so you are not getting the best of me now or any time soon, lol. To be with me is to deal with a lot of personal problems on my behalf. And those, in turn, take a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physically, so please bear with me. All I need is your support and understanding, because I already have too many enemies and challenges fighting against me. So please talk to me. What I don’t know now, is if you want to talk to me. And if you need some time apart to think about things for yourself? Or not. I just want things ok and right between us and not talk as if we have this chip on our shoulder. No animosity. There’s no need when we care and need each other so much. There’s something too good between us to not be smart about us, and let dumb shit in the way of what we want with each other. Because I want everything I can get with you. But like I said the question is if you do too, or you don’t want to jump back into anything. I just need some security on this one. Let me know if you need time to figure out what you want to do in this near future with you getting out, etc, and if you need to figure that out alone. I guess the balls in your court, as that gay saying goes. But last time we talked you said you had a lot to think about *now* and I would like to know what are those things you needed to think about and what is going through your head. I sense you are doubtful about something. Please tell me. Tell me if you are sick of me, or if you don’t want to talk to me, or if I confuse you, or if you want me to explain something, whatever. I just can’t let things sit like this; I have to know how you feel, because you are a big factor in the way I feel.