states minus 4
When I was a sophomore in college a friend of mine did a psychological study about the effects of loneliness on people. I don't really know if she did this for any reason in particular, but I am inclined to believe that it had a great deal to do with things she noticed about people in her world who were experiencing the same symptoms and deduced that they were related to being lonely. A couple of years later I also did a study on loneliness, because it was and continues to be something of great interest to me. What is it that drives people to seek independence and solitude when they know that it is a lonely endeavor? I know that there must be some common ground between self-sufficiency and dependence on others, between solitude and society, between personal fortitude and debilitating loneliness. I just haven't quite found it. I have certainly passed through brief and fleeting periods of thinking that I had indeed conquered this middle ground only to find my self somewhat stranded at a fork where one road leads back to those times and the other goes in a big circle back to the same junction. Occasionally I choose the right path, but lately I seem unwilling to make a decision for fear of going around the fruitless loop again. I doubt I am the only person to experience this particular sensation. In fact, I would imagine that many people, especially people who find themselves pressured to achieve professional success, face this dilema.
As my time in Spain comes to an end, at least for a while, I can't help but reflect on what I will take away from this experience. Above all, I have learned patience, self-respect, tolerance of lifestyles different from my own, and flexibility. But there are things I have really missed. People around me who have had similar experiences, or who have the same views as I do, people who understand the world the same way I do and share my general philosophy. People who like doing the same things I do. People who are the kind of friends to me that I try to be to others.
As I believe I have said previously, if I come back to Spain, it will have to be under different circumstances than the past 4 years. I need a job that both provides a stable life and that I feel is worthwile. Something in which I can continue to learn and grow, but that doesn't take over my life. And I'll need to have people in my life who want to and are able to give me the social support I need. I'm tired of being an island. I'd be ok with a peninsula, though.
As my time in Spain comes to an end, at least for a while, I can't help but reflect on what I will take away from this experience. Above all, I have learned patience, self-respect, tolerance of lifestyles different from my own, and flexibility. But there are things I have really missed. People around me who have had similar experiences, or who have the same views as I do, people who understand the world the same way I do and share my general philosophy. People who like doing the same things I do. People who are the kind of friends to me that I try to be to others.
As I believe I have said previously, if I come back to Spain, it will have to be under different circumstances than the past 4 years. I need a job that both provides a stable life and that I feel is worthwile. Something in which I can continue to learn and grow, but that doesn't take over my life. And I'll need to have people in my life who want to and are able to give me the social support I need. I'm tired of being an island. I'd be ok with a peninsula, though.