"It's like everything I hate about Middle America threw up on itself."
This was my quote as we turned onto 28th St, near East Grand Rapids, a couple hours ago. Picture every brand name shop/restaurant/strip mall staple you've ever seen, from BD's Mongolian BBQ to Toys R Us to a cookie cutter "Brewery" corporate style restaurant. Take out any form of individuality or imagination. Mix in any sort of "Mall Sprawl" that stems as the road widens and turns to strip mall siblings around the Big Brother somewhat aging Mega Mall complex. This is what we drove down.
All I wanted was a plate of hashbrowns, eggs and maybe some biscuits and gravy. Nothing. Denny's was passed by (no fucking way am I paying that piece of shit twice as much to crap on a plate) and nothing else showed it's face. We finally stopped for directions. I went into a subway and asked the guy behind the counter "So, where can I get breakfast around here that's not Denny's?" he gave me a blank stare "I dunno man, I'm not from around here." WTF? You work at a strip mall and don't know the area immediately around the place? Went next door to a "GreatClips" and the girl behind the counter gave me an even blanker stare to the same question "Well, there's an IHOP." I resisted the growing urge to use her neck as a squeeze toy. The lady getting her hair done pipes up "There's a diner way down 28th, almost as far as you can go." she proceeded to describe something like a wanna-be Johnny Rockets. I resisted the urge to piss on the counter in rage and left. We drove a bit more and finally stopped at a place called "Arnies". It had a bakery storefront and a pretty big dining room done in 80's fake brass and etched glass. We got there at 10:50 and were told that breakfast ended right at 11. I just wanted eggs.
The breakfast turned out to be fan-fucking-tastic, given my expectations of Denny's without the yellow color palette. Fresh, thick-cut, wheat bread, awesome hashbrowns, a feta/spinich/tomato omelette that was made with fresh ingredients. Why the hell didn't the locals tell me about this place?
We were sat in the very corner of the restaurant, and I noticed all waitstaff staring at Jess' red hair. Could it be we were not told about the 'local haunts' because the locals didn't think we belonged there?
I also forgot my wallet back at the place we're sleeping. Luckily I really don't need it. If they try to card me at a Polish Hall for beer and wine later, I may stab somebody.
In good news, everybody here is cool. It's going to be a SHORT service. The Bride said if it hits a half hour, it's only because of a speech somebody is giving. Jer will still reign supreme for shortest ceremony ever, but damn, that's awesome. There is some sort of red meat thing for dinner, which I'm groove with. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon watching Weeds and sucking on the free internet teat of this Suite Hotel.
The best part? After my morning driving through Suburban Brandname Shopping Mall Hell on Earth, there is no way it can be anything but good from here!
All I wanted was a plate of hashbrowns, eggs and maybe some biscuits and gravy. Nothing. Denny's was passed by (no fucking way am I paying that piece of shit twice as much to crap on a plate) and nothing else showed it's face. We finally stopped for directions. I went into a subway and asked the guy behind the counter "So, where can I get breakfast around here that's not Denny's?" he gave me a blank stare "I dunno man, I'm not from around here." WTF? You work at a strip mall and don't know the area immediately around the place? Went next door to a "GreatClips" and the girl behind the counter gave me an even blanker stare to the same question "Well, there's an IHOP." I resisted the growing urge to use her neck as a squeeze toy. The lady getting her hair done pipes up "There's a diner way down 28th, almost as far as you can go." she proceeded to describe something like a wanna-be Johnny Rockets. I resisted the urge to piss on the counter in rage and left. We drove a bit more and finally stopped at a place called "Arnies". It had a bakery storefront and a pretty big dining room done in 80's fake brass and etched glass. We got there at 10:50 and were told that breakfast ended right at 11. I just wanted eggs.
The breakfast turned out to be fan-fucking-tastic, given my expectations of Denny's without the yellow color palette. Fresh, thick-cut, wheat bread, awesome hashbrowns, a feta/spinich/tomato omelette that was made with fresh ingredients. Why the hell didn't the locals tell me about this place?
We were sat in the very corner of the restaurant, and I noticed all waitstaff staring at Jess' red hair. Could it be we were not told about the 'local haunts' because the locals didn't think we belonged there?
I also forgot my wallet back at the place we're sleeping. Luckily I really don't need it. If they try to card me at a Polish Hall for beer and wine later, I may stab somebody.
In good news, everybody here is cool. It's going to be a SHORT service. The Bride said if it hits a half hour, it's only because of a speech somebody is giving. Jer will still reign supreme for shortest ceremony ever, but damn, that's awesome. There is some sort of red meat thing for dinner, which I'm groove with. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon watching Weeds and sucking on the free internet teat of this Suite Hotel.
The best part? After my morning driving through Suburban Brandname Shopping Mall Hell on Earth, there is no way it can be anything but good from here!