feeling lost much?
it was quite warm today. if i didn't know any better i would have said it was summer. well not that were that far off. i don't know if it was the weather or what it was that was affecting me. moody. i was quite moody.
the weather was amazing. it's what i wait for all year round. for those.. precious few months of sun, heat and that feeling that you can only get during the summer. only that this time the feeling came with a baggage. a heavy one at that.
i honestly feel like i'm wasting away. i'm not anywhere near where i should be, or perhaps where i would like to be. where i feel i should be. worst part of it is that i feel like a failure in all possible ways and form.. emotionally, physically, career wise.. you name it. where should i be? yeah good question! i think that's half the battle. not knowing. a lot of people would say that it's ok to not know.. that were "young," and that it's only normal. but i don't feel young. at least not young enough to not know. i had plans, ideas, visions. i had it all planned out. and then it all fell apart. i guess it's like ronald long said.. you can't plan everything, because life never turns out the way you plan it. and so here i am. but then what's the point? if we can't rely on those wonderful plans that we all create, that perfect world that only exist in our head, that we so desperately try to make a reality? by the time i'm this age i'll have a degree. by this age i'll be married. by this age i'll have a kid. and by this age i'll be doing x and y...
i have this anxiety. this feeling that i've had for quite some time and it's not really going away. today it came back with a vengeance. i was torn between enjoying the great weather and forcing a laugh, but part of me wanted to go home and lock myself in my room and just lay in bed contemplating and most likely depressing over life. i've never been anywhere really, but i don't think that being in new york is for me. i feel weird saying it. most people dream of living here. i mean everything is in new york. life, fun, culture, opportunities. but i honestly feel like it's not for me. at least not yet. i have this itch to travel. where? i don't know, but i feel stuck. i see this place as more of a cage than anything else. i don't feel like i'll ever get anywhere in life unless i leave. i need to travel, move around. how are we supposed to know if something is right for us if we never experienced anything else? it's like shopping for shoes. you can't just put on the first pair of shoes you come across and know that those are the perfect ones for you until you see your options, try on a few different pairs and check out the different styles.
but on the meantime, i guess there's nothing left but to try and make the best of it. i don't know.. wait to see where i land?