It's over, It's over!
Hiya!
Yet another morning awake and not working, and also fleeing the bedroom as soon as I awake, so as not to irritate my darling wife.
What to do? My computer with all of my pertinent information is in the room with the waking dragon, which I much prefer to let lie, and so this morning, like many mornings in the past 2 weeks(gawd, has it really been that long?) I needed to find something to fill my time.
I haven't wanted to write my crappy movie, or train lately, and I have been having enough success getting focus surveys, film extra work and actual responses to my resume spamming to not panic over any of that.
So WTF to do?
WTFTD?
I read journal posts on lj - *eeg*. Mostly because I haven't really known what's missing lately, but that I'd wanted some additional options in my life beyond what already exists; if you don't know(which pretty much noone does) that's a tremendous risk of overcomplicating things, and risking pushing my energetic vectors in opposing directions...possibly. Still - I'd had some wonderful growth experiences here, and I figured I'd see what people have been doing.
Bleh.
Maybe there's more to it than I give it credit for; maybe behind the face and inside all of the locked entry posts is all of the growth, and change and desire that drives people; the stuff I want to feel.
It ain't here. Perhaps it's me not looking hard enough, or most people not trusting me with their emotions(likely), but I can't seem to find it.
It's probably almost entirely my fault. For all of my desire to talk to, work with, and engage motivated, intelligent, accomplished people, I still manage to keep myself separated from approximately 98% of the population. And it does have a lot to do with how little tolerance I have with - and this is the surprise - not their failings, but their inability to perceive and overcome their failings.
I'll go out on a limb and say that I'm stupid; everyone else is too. We were born stupid, absorbed a ton of information as infant/toddlers and then began tapering off in our capacity for learning at a scale I find comparative to the reduction of biodiversity the human race has visited on this planet. But I try and do my best to learn.
My tragic flaw is, and perhaps always has been my predilection to move forward on instinct; step before I know, look and leap before considering the consequences. I can think of few things more indicative of the career path I'd prefer to be leading. However, I love making mistakes, because I've gotten to the point where I can learn from most of them. It's returning to that childlike state where you are more often than not infused with knowledge. I've said before on occasion that 'Mistakes are worth making; I'm just trying not to make any I can't recover from.' It's a more subtle difference as an adult, but the same idea as when I was a child; Don't touch the hot stove. Careful on the stairs. Make sure you associate with good people.
I find it so common for adults to make the same mistakes over and over again, and most often because they refuse to admit they are mistakes; like there's some evolutionary paradigm at work that will thin them out of the herd if they admit that they could always be better at life. And not just somewhat better at some aspects of their life, INFINITELY better at EVERY aspect of their existence, even ones that they have not elected to engage in...yet.
And honestly, that's a big part of my issue here, and a big part of my issue with people. I push away 98% of the population in large part because I'm afraid of becoming that adult. I'm afraid of becoming the kind of person(again) who thinks that they know anything but the most infinitesimal fraction of the overall accrual of human knowledge, because nothing stunts growth like thinking you've got little or no growing to do.
And that's the biggest part of the pointlessness of journalling for me. I don't want to ponder what I know. I've been trying to design my life in such a way that I have multiple boundaries that connect to my primary goal of making money at stunts, and I try and alternate between them in a way that keeps challenging me to do more in a new arena. I feel like chronicling my daily thoughts not only goes against my primary nature(look, then leap) but it also reinforces the idea that I'm accomplishing something meaningful - I try to remain unsatisfied as often as I can, without venturing into emotional duress or mental collapse. It's the best way I know to keep driving myself towards accomplishing something that someone else might consider meaningful enough to pay me for doing. I'm not even a blip on my own radar, and to few other people, I feel. I still vehemently recuse myself of satisfaction or accomplishments. I recognize the fact that I get things done, but interest and satisfaction fade quite rapidly for me. Stay just hungry enough, and you'll always be wanting more, pushing just far enough ahead to keep yourself moving forward.
It's almost entirely the opposite for most people.
There are life updates...
I took a vacation!
I got a new job!
I met a significant other!
I got married!
I had babies!
And there are blatant appeals for attention.
Drama post!
Emotional State(I am happy/sad/angry/frustrated/bored)
Sexually suggestive pictures!
It's a seeming quest for validation and approval. I don't quite understand it. Yes, people accomplish things, and yes, sharing your life can bring you closer together. But there's so much of it that reeks of the affirmation that I thoroughly decry. Friends are going to respond positively to good news in your life, that's typical. And while that may be a macrocosm of why I rarely maintain close friends, beyond that, I still don't see the point.
I passed through the stage in my life when I felt insecure about everything, when I felt like I needed approval for everything I did. But now, I feel like I have some manner of control over most people's approval. I can get it if I really want it, so it's not nearly important to me anymore. I do wonder if it was ever any more than an issue of relative scarcity. While it's nice to have your life appreciated, I don't find it to be a particularly motivating. It's more like an indicator that I'm moving in a direction someone else finds acceptable. And other people can guide you along the path of your choice with their affirmation, it's how they guide me that I find affects me the most.
98% - don't even talk to me. Sometimes it could be stamped on my forehead as plain as day. Don't talk to me. I don't want your information or your input. The way you exist seems like a faulty pattern to me, and I don't want your bad decisions affecting my choices. But, I understand that no one's perfect. I recognize that we all have flaws and limitations. It isn't in glossing over them that we grow as individuals, it is in confronting them(duh!)
We all came into this life basically the same way - at 0 knowledge, with some basic autonomic functions. As infants and toddlers, we had to absorb a phenomenal amount of information to catch up to the adults that were taking care of us. Motor skills, language skills - observation and deduction. We made mistakes constantly. TC is fond of telling me that being a toddler is one of the most frustrating experiences of a human's existence. The inability to express oneself cogently and accurately is something few people can comprehend - unless they have tried to learn a foreign language. It is this kind of fear and frustration that seems to motivate people to stunt their growth. As we get older and older, most people's mental growth slows dramatically - I have seen graphs! It seems like the only thing that compares with the extinction of mental growth as we age is the reduction in biodiversity that humanity has visited on this planet in the past 5000 years. I believe that this lack of mental growth is directly tied to a growing unwillingness to make mistakes and fail as we age.
Failure is temporary - I was told this by someone much older and wiser than myself, but how many people know this? If alien sociologists were to come to Earth, they might be surprised by how much of our behavior is still governed by the evolutionary concept of survival of the fittest. As if making mistakes made you weaker and more likely to be preyed upon. While predators still exist in every strata of life, we are not deer or wolves or bears, hunting each other down to subsist on the flesh and vital ichors of others. If we fail at out jobs, we are typically given a chance at redemption. If we fail at school, we may make it up with the overall body of work, or try the class again. If we fail in relationships, there are enough people out there looking for relationships that we need not worry about finding someone else suitable. What issue is their with mistakes and failure?
I find myself in an awkward position most of the time, because I accept my fallibility. It's how I've lived my life for the past few years - looking, then leaping anyway. I can think of no greater metaphor for the career I've chosen, and it fits my life as well. In making mistakes, in screwing up time and time again, I try and maintain my mental growth by continuing to take steps forward, even if my face is hits the ground periodically. What do I have to fear? All I have to do is try not to make any mistakes that I can't recover from. Beyond that, all that's required is for me to press forward and damn the torpedoes.
I understand the nature of communicating life through a journal. If anything, it's something I should utilize more as my need to 'get noticed' begins to correlate increasingly with success in my field. But as far as needing to chronicle my thoughts or day-to-day existence for myself? Why? I did it, I was satisfied with what I did, and I did it for years. If anything was retained, there were a few passing insights, and development of a style and subject matter for my writing.
I'm past writing in this blog for myself. Maybe I should read more about what others are doing, and make something out of my stunt blog if I want to 'get noticed'. Or to let good people know what I'm up to. But in blogs as in life - 98% of people aren't doing what I'm interested in. And while that's readily apparent online, I'm not as good at noticing it in person. So, if anything, I need to talk to more people, and figure out where they rate for me, until I can make the critical judgment.
But I don't need to examine things here. I believe masturbation, of any kind, is something that should be done privately. Unless there's money involved ;-)
Yet another morning awake and not working, and also fleeing the bedroom as soon as I awake, so as not to irritate my darling wife.
What to do? My computer with all of my pertinent information is in the room with the waking dragon, which I much prefer to let lie, and so this morning, like many mornings in the past 2 weeks(gawd, has it really been that long?) I needed to find something to fill my time.
I haven't wanted to write my crappy movie, or train lately, and I have been having enough success getting focus surveys, film extra work and actual responses to my resume spamming to not panic over any of that.
So WTF to do?
WTFTD?
I read journal posts on lj - *eeg*. Mostly because I haven't really known what's missing lately, but that I'd wanted some additional options in my life beyond what already exists; if you don't know(which pretty much noone does) that's a tremendous risk of overcomplicating things, and risking pushing my energetic vectors in opposing directions...possibly. Still - I'd had some wonderful growth experiences here, and I figured I'd see what people have been doing.
Bleh.
Maybe there's more to it than I give it credit for; maybe behind the face and inside all of the locked entry posts is all of the growth, and change and desire that drives people; the stuff I want to feel.
It ain't here. Perhaps it's me not looking hard enough, or most people not trusting me with their emotions(likely), but I can't seem to find it.
It's probably almost entirely my fault. For all of my desire to talk to, work with, and engage motivated, intelligent, accomplished people, I still manage to keep myself separated from approximately 98% of the population. And it does have a lot to do with how little tolerance I have with - and this is the surprise - not their failings, but their inability to perceive and overcome their failings.
I'll go out on a limb and say that I'm stupid; everyone else is too. We were born stupid, absorbed a ton of information as infant/toddlers and then began tapering off in our capacity for learning at a scale I find comparative to the reduction of biodiversity the human race has visited on this planet. But I try and do my best to learn.
My tragic flaw is, and perhaps always has been my predilection to move forward on instinct; step before I know, look and leap before considering the consequences. I can think of few things more indicative of the career path I'd prefer to be leading. However, I love making mistakes, because I've gotten to the point where I can learn from most of them. It's returning to that childlike state where you are more often than not infused with knowledge. I've said before on occasion that 'Mistakes are worth making; I'm just trying not to make any I can't recover from.' It's a more subtle difference as an adult, but the same idea as when I was a child; Don't touch the hot stove. Careful on the stairs. Make sure you associate with good people.
I find it so common for adults to make the same mistakes over and over again, and most often because they refuse to admit they are mistakes; like there's some evolutionary paradigm at work that will thin them out of the herd if they admit that they could always be better at life. And not just somewhat better at some aspects of their life, INFINITELY better at EVERY aspect of their existence, even ones that they have not elected to engage in...yet.
And honestly, that's a big part of my issue here, and a big part of my issue with people. I push away 98% of the population in large part because I'm afraid of becoming that adult. I'm afraid of becoming the kind of person(again) who thinks that they know anything but the most infinitesimal fraction of the overall accrual of human knowledge, because nothing stunts growth like thinking you've got little or no growing to do.
And that's the biggest part of the pointlessness of journalling for me. I don't want to ponder what I know. I've been trying to design my life in such a way that I have multiple boundaries that connect to my primary goal of making money at stunts, and I try and alternate between them in a way that keeps challenging me to do more in a new arena. I feel like chronicling my daily thoughts not only goes against my primary nature(look, then leap) but it also reinforces the idea that I'm accomplishing something meaningful - I try to remain unsatisfied as often as I can, without venturing into emotional duress or mental collapse. It's the best way I know to keep driving myself towards accomplishing something that someone else might consider meaningful enough to pay me for doing. I'm not even a blip on my own radar, and to few other people, I feel. I still vehemently recuse myself of satisfaction or accomplishments. I recognize the fact that I get things done, but interest and satisfaction fade quite rapidly for me. Stay just hungry enough, and you'll always be wanting more, pushing just far enough ahead to keep yourself moving forward.
It's almost entirely the opposite for most people.
There are life updates...
I took a vacation!
I got a new job!
I met a significant other!
I got married!
I had babies!
And there are blatant appeals for attention.
Drama post!
Emotional State(I am happy/sad/angry/frustrated/bored)
Sexually suggestive pictures!
It's a seeming quest for validation and approval. I don't quite understand it. Yes, people accomplish things, and yes, sharing your life can bring you closer together. But there's so much of it that reeks of the affirmation that I thoroughly decry. Friends are going to respond positively to good news in your life, that's typical. And while that may be a macrocosm of why I rarely maintain close friends, beyond that, I still don't see the point.
I passed through the stage in my life when I felt insecure about everything, when I felt like I needed approval for everything I did. But now, I feel like I have some manner of control over most people's approval. I can get it if I really want it, so it's not nearly important to me anymore. I do wonder if it was ever any more than an issue of relative scarcity. While it's nice to have your life appreciated, I don't find it to be a particularly motivating. It's more like an indicator that I'm moving in a direction someone else finds acceptable. And other people can guide you along the path of your choice with their affirmation, it's how they guide me that I find affects me the most.
98% - don't even talk to me. Sometimes it could be stamped on my forehead as plain as day. Don't talk to me. I don't want your information or your input. The way you exist seems like a faulty pattern to me, and I don't want your bad decisions affecting my choices. But, I understand that no one's perfect. I recognize that we all have flaws and limitations. It isn't in glossing over them that we grow as individuals, it is in confronting them(duh!)
We all came into this life basically the same way - at 0 knowledge, with some basic autonomic functions. As infants and toddlers, we had to absorb a phenomenal amount of information to catch up to the adults that were taking care of us. Motor skills, language skills - observation and deduction. We made mistakes constantly. TC is fond of telling me that being a toddler is one of the most frustrating experiences of a human's existence. The inability to express oneself cogently and accurately is something few people can comprehend - unless they have tried to learn a foreign language. It is this kind of fear and frustration that seems to motivate people to stunt their growth. As we get older and older, most people's mental growth slows dramatically - I have seen graphs! It seems like the only thing that compares with the extinction of mental growth as we age is the reduction in biodiversity that humanity has visited on this planet in the past 5000 years. I believe that this lack of mental growth is directly tied to a growing unwillingness to make mistakes and fail as we age.
Failure is temporary - I was told this by someone much older and wiser than myself, but how many people know this? If alien sociologists were to come to Earth, they might be surprised by how much of our behavior is still governed by the evolutionary concept of survival of the fittest. As if making mistakes made you weaker and more likely to be preyed upon. While predators still exist in every strata of life, we are not deer or wolves or bears, hunting each other down to subsist on the flesh and vital ichors of others. If we fail at out jobs, we are typically given a chance at redemption. If we fail at school, we may make it up with the overall body of work, or try the class again. If we fail in relationships, there are enough people out there looking for relationships that we need not worry about finding someone else suitable. What issue is their with mistakes and failure?
I find myself in an awkward position most of the time, because I accept my fallibility. It's how I've lived my life for the past few years - looking, then leaping anyway. I can think of no greater metaphor for the career I've chosen, and it fits my life as well. In making mistakes, in screwing up time and time again, I try and maintain my mental growth by continuing to take steps forward, even if my face is hits the ground periodically. What do I have to fear? All I have to do is try not to make any mistakes that I can't recover from. Beyond that, all that's required is for me to press forward and damn the torpedoes.
I understand the nature of communicating life through a journal. If anything, it's something I should utilize more as my need to 'get noticed' begins to correlate increasingly with success in my field. But as far as needing to chronicle my thoughts or day-to-day existence for myself? Why? I did it, I was satisfied with what I did, and I did it for years. If anything was retained, there were a few passing insights, and development of a style and subject matter for my writing.
I'm past writing in this blog for myself. Maybe I should read more about what others are doing, and make something out of my stunt blog if I want to 'get noticed'. Or to let good people know what I'm up to. But in blogs as in life - 98% of people aren't doing what I'm interested in. And while that's readily apparent online, I'm not as good at noticing it in person. So, if anything, I need to talk to more people, and figure out where they rate for me, until I can make the critical judgment.
But I don't need to examine things here. I believe masturbation, of any kind, is something that should be done privately. Unless there's money involved ;-)