nergle-gurgle
Things have been going a little bit nuts lately.
I've been doing isa, and increased my participation level therein.
I've been doing stuff with awibs which has been a lot of fun.
I've been working on one show, and invited to audition in another, backdoored in.
And I find myself doing a whole bunch of things that have exposed me to a bunch of situations that freak me out.
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I am in love again? Who saw this one coming? I like to say that I did, but I didn't really. Not to this extent. I'm always afraid of losing control, always working to dominate situations, and manipulate circumstances so that I feel like I'm more comfortable and in charge. But when I get undercut by the strong emotion, and swept away, it kind of freaks me out. I was freaked out. Trying to run from it is impossible. And trying to fight it is foredoomed to failure. So, I spent some time this morning figuring out what to do.
And then, I remembered that the last thing you can do when you are falling into anything.
Dive.
Even if you are falling to your death, you can scream and holler, or you can speed the fuck up, and see what the next step is.
And then, suddenly, magically, everything suddenly fell into place. I wasn't feeling lost, or desperate or needy. I wasn't worried or concerned or dependent. I was me, a person in love with another person, and verrrrry happy with how things have come about and continue to be.
I pass the test, and remain Galadriel.
Yeah, I just compared myself to a woman.
No, I'm not gay.
Well, maybe a little.
ANYWAYS!
I'm good now. Shit is really, really, really good in this regard.
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I am freaked out right now a little bit about being in a show with lines.
I have never done a full show with lines.
And I hear about serious, quality actors, and I freak a bit because I don't seriously work at this, and I don't want audience or actors to suffer because of me.
But truthfully. Even if I'm not a great actor, I always strive to be as giving as an actor as I am as a person. And I don't always have to react to what people put out, I always have the opportunity to express my own thoughts and act on them. And I can't worry about what people are going to think about me, at least, NOT BEFORE I am satisfied with what I come up with. If I find a good fundamental base, I can move forward with choices and tweaks and integration comfortably, rather than making some amalgamated bullshit character.
So, as long as I master the text, and figure some solid choices and ideas, I should be fine, and in a solid position to improve.
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I don't want to bail on this show I'm in right now - because I hate to make things more difficult on people unnecessarily. But I really do want to do isa. And I just don't feel like I'm getting out of this what I'm putting into it.
But am I?
I've missed 2 rehearsals, I'm not trying to give anything to the other actors, I'm not trying to push my fellows, and I'm not doing any more than what I'm asked to do.
Which is good, because most of the people here don't seem like they're able to do too much more than they already have.
But still, I haven't really given this my all.
Which is a shame, because I have to decide really soon whether or not I want to do one or the other.
But I really feel like even if I worked my tuckus off, we couldn't really raise the level of what we've got very much.
It's a ridiculous spectacle. And I don't really buy into it.
So, I guess I'm going to bail, one way or another.
Guess that's solved too.
I'm doing well. Very well.
That, at least, is how it seems.
I've been doing isa, and increased my participation level therein.
I've been doing stuff with awibs which has been a lot of fun.
I've been working on one show, and invited to audition in another, backdoored in.
And I find myself doing a whole bunch of things that have exposed me to a bunch of situations that freak me out.
---------------------------------------------------------
I am in love again? Who saw this one coming? I like to say that I did, but I didn't really. Not to this extent. I'm always afraid of losing control, always working to dominate situations, and manipulate circumstances so that I feel like I'm more comfortable and in charge. But when I get undercut by the strong emotion, and swept away, it kind of freaks me out. I was freaked out. Trying to run from it is impossible. And trying to fight it is foredoomed to failure. So, I spent some time this morning figuring out what to do.
And then, I remembered that the last thing you can do when you are falling into anything.
Dive.
Even if you are falling to your death, you can scream and holler, or you can speed the fuck up, and see what the next step is.
And then, suddenly, magically, everything suddenly fell into place. I wasn't feeling lost, or desperate or needy. I wasn't worried or concerned or dependent. I was me, a person in love with another person, and verrrrry happy with how things have come about and continue to be.
I pass the test, and remain Galadriel.
Yeah, I just compared myself to a woman.
No, I'm not gay.
Well, maybe a little.
ANYWAYS!
I'm good now. Shit is really, really, really good in this regard.
------------------------------------------------------------
I am freaked out right now a little bit about being in a show with lines.
I have never done a full show with lines.
And I hear about serious, quality actors, and I freak a bit because I don't seriously work at this, and I don't want audience or actors to suffer because of me.
But truthfully. Even if I'm not a great actor, I always strive to be as giving as an actor as I am as a person. And I don't always have to react to what people put out, I always have the opportunity to express my own thoughts and act on them. And I can't worry about what people are going to think about me, at least, NOT BEFORE I am satisfied with what I come up with. If I find a good fundamental base, I can move forward with choices and tweaks and integration comfortably, rather than making some amalgamated bullshit character.
So, as long as I master the text, and figure some solid choices and ideas, I should be fine, and in a solid position to improve.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I don't want to bail on this show I'm in right now - because I hate to make things more difficult on people unnecessarily. But I really do want to do isa. And I just don't feel like I'm getting out of this what I'm putting into it.
But am I?
I've missed 2 rehearsals, I'm not trying to give anything to the other actors, I'm not trying to push my fellows, and I'm not doing any more than what I'm asked to do.
Which is good, because most of the people here don't seem like they're able to do too much more than they already have.
But still, I haven't really given this my all.
Which is a shame, because I have to decide really soon whether or not I want to do one or the other.
But I really feel like even if I worked my tuckus off, we couldn't really raise the level of what we've got very much.
It's a ridiculous spectacle. And I don't really buy into it.
So, I guess I'm going to bail, one way or another.
Guess that's solved too.
I'm doing well. Very well.
That, at least, is how it seems.