Rob
I don't think I have anyone who still reads this from my old cam girl days. Back then I dated, for a short time, a guy named Robbie. I don't remember what nickname I gave him, maybe it was Toyota because he was an engineer for Toyota, or maybe it was Moped, because he was super into mopeds.
I just remember him being maybe the one I didn't give enough of a chance, at the time. His roommate later told me I really broke his heart, that he had written poetry for me. I never got to read those poems.
Eventually we both married other people. Robbie married a girl in his band, because he was also in a band. A drummer! He also loved to run.
I feel sad.
Not because of those memories really
More because I Googled him and I found his obituary. He died a couple years ago from COVID.
He's the first person that passed that I'd also dated and was intimate with. I don't know. It kind of feels heavy like I have nobody to share it with.
The last time I saw him was at a bookstore. He was right next to me but I didn't know. The saleslady said name? And I heard a voice say Robbie's last name. I looked up and it was him. I don't know if he noticed me or not but I didn't say anything.
I feel sad. So many people die, and death is not new in my life.
I found this out a couple months ago and I just looked him up again today, like maybe it wasn't true? I mean, I have been in treatment for PTSD for the past couple years and am now just starting to feel more mentally healthy than unhealthy. I was hoping maybe I made something up in my head?
But there it was, the obituary and the notes of everyone who knew him and loved him.
I don't long for Robbie in any romantic way. I am mourning him.
Maybe it's because I feel like things are unresolved? Like, what did those poems say? Like, I want to tell him I'm sorry I ghosted him. I was 22 and went a safe route where I had control.
Okay, there's also the small fact that my spouse reminds me of Robbie. They're kind of similar in how they look, they were both musicians, kind of nerdy funny.
I think I had it in my head that one day we would just run into each other and say hi. And I could say, "Hey, I am sorry. I just want to you to know I was going through a lot of crap. And I was just looking for a crappy life. I didn't feel ready for what it would have been like with you."
I say this and it probably sounds like he's a long lost love. Not really. I can't say I loved him. I just maybe feel that thing like in the movie Past Lives? If you've not seen it, I recommend it if you are into what I'm talking about but nobody dies in it.
I hope you are well.
P.S. This was a draft I apparently never published, from I don't know when.
It's been hard to find a new home on the internet.
So, I sometimes miss being a cam girl, but being one now requires a whole new ballpark of dedication and self-confidence that maybe I'm not willing to address? However, I get it that I have control on when and what I post.
I just remember him being maybe the one I didn't give enough of a chance, at the time. His roommate later told me I really broke his heart, that he had written poetry for me. I never got to read those poems.
Eventually we both married other people. Robbie married a girl in his band, because he was also in a band. A drummer! He also loved to run.
I feel sad.
Not because of those memories really
More because I Googled him and I found his obituary. He died a couple years ago from COVID.
He's the first person that passed that I'd also dated and was intimate with. I don't know. It kind of feels heavy like I have nobody to share it with.
The last time I saw him was at a bookstore. He was right next to me but I didn't know. The saleslady said name? And I heard a voice say Robbie's last name. I looked up and it was him. I don't know if he noticed me or not but I didn't say anything.
I feel sad. So many people die, and death is not new in my life.
I found this out a couple months ago and I just looked him up again today, like maybe it wasn't true? I mean, I have been in treatment for PTSD for the past couple years and am now just starting to feel more mentally healthy than unhealthy. I was hoping maybe I made something up in my head?
But there it was, the obituary and the notes of everyone who knew him and loved him.
I don't long for Robbie in any romantic way. I am mourning him.
Maybe it's because I feel like things are unresolved? Like, what did those poems say? Like, I want to tell him I'm sorry I ghosted him. I was 22 and went a safe route where I had control.
Okay, there's also the small fact that my spouse reminds me of Robbie. They're kind of similar in how they look, they were both musicians, kind of nerdy funny.
I think I had it in my head that one day we would just run into each other and say hi. And I could say, "Hey, I am sorry. I just want to you to know I was going through a lot of crap. And I was just looking for a crappy life. I didn't feel ready for what it would have been like with you."
I say this and it probably sounds like he's a long lost love. Not really. I can't say I loved him. I just maybe feel that thing like in the movie Past Lives? If you've not seen it, I recommend it if you are into what I'm talking about but nobody dies in it.
I hope you are well.
P.S. This was a draft I apparently never published, from I don't know when.
It's been hard to find a new home on the internet.
So, I sometimes miss being a cam girl, but being one now requires a whole new ballpark of dedication and self-confidence that maybe I'm not willing to address? However, I get it that I have control on when and what I post.