Dream & yin and yang
Every moment with you is like a dream, an unexpected one.
Last night you were crying jst before dreamfeed, it wasnt a hungry cry. You are rarely super hungry ever at this time.
He never cries at this time. It was a cry like torture. I know your suppose to wait for docs advice at this age (not that they ever have anything to add) but i knew after the worst wet top to date (satched, i had to change him before bed) and the worst nappy rash ive seen out of both boys ever I got out the nurofen and calculated from his last weigh. He was all askew in his bed, jst lost. I nurofened him as quickly as poss as he wanted my arms. I bounced him softly agaisnt me upright and his cries got softer til they were gone. He snuggled into me his breathing slowing. We lay on our bed, he reached both hands for me, a hug and he took one finger in his hand the tip of my finger in the middle of his hand and closed his fist around. Their attempts to hold your hand all the more sweeter when they hold yr finger. and the other to his mouth to chew his gums on. He stopped chewing after a few knaws and fell asleep. I felt mini twitches in his sleep as my finger came out. He still had a hold of one of my fingers in his hand tenderly. He didnt let go even in his dreams. He made a contented little sigh like he was the happiest lil baby in his sleep. Eventually Adrian came in on us with his dreamfeed ready. I have to admit there was a tiny tear pooling out of my eyes a little. And i had the worst day honestly, this year has been bleak. How he can make my day the best ever in a moment....Takes my breath away.
All these things i never knew are almost like a stereotypical movie moment but that i can feel because im in it. Ive never known all these things, a baby falling asleep next to me. I feel so honoured with this lil gift from heaven who fills my dark life with light and smiles even in the hardest moments. I feel so honoured to have this experience i felt like were sold as lies by competitive parents or something. In my soul it makes me scared why the first born had none of these moments, and not from lack of trying on my part. He jst didnt find us soothing in the slightest, just agitating. It still makes me wonder why he is not programmed like the rest or maybe it is truly yin and yang. A baby who is all light and a baby who struggles with darkness. That they are exact opposites come to teach us different things at different times. But honestly he didnt give us anything, not even one lil content baby sigh in a moment. No matter how hard we tried. It was all screeching and mayhem. And us secretly wondering why we birthed a human into the world that found every single bit of living so hard and miserable.
But this time i feel like someones balm. I get him too because i operate the same way, getting my security from others around me. Hes jst an even happier sunny version of me and we are only to happy to bask in his smiles. What i do and am soothes. He looks for me and his world rotates around me. Hes okay with strangers but gets a bit funny handed over without seeing me. He paniacs a lil. I feel like no one else can do for him because its true. Adrian is really the only one else, but he still prefers me. I have truly fallen in love, and although i love my last kid unconditionally (proven!) its different the whole falling in love thing. Makes you feel all those emotions. Like life would stop without them in it.
I regret that my relationship with leon will never be the same as with reed. That although i hold unconditional and unwavering love for him (proven) that i never "fell in love with him". Its been such of a rush, this my soul being made conplete by another. A puzzle piece slotting in and becoming one that i cant imagine a life before him, but that my soul was always incomplete waiting for him. That if i had to imagine myself without that piece before or ever again in the future my heart stops beating in my chest and that i couldnt live without him. Iv only had that happen with adrian and with stig, the intensity of feeling your heart in yr chest as so vulnerable because the piece of you is out there in the world. The newness of it too i hope will wear off, so i dont continue to weep with an intensity of love that will see Reed embarassed one day in the future when he is at high school or something. Nothing can be as perfect as all our moments together. I cant imagine his tiny and perfect being being anything more than now.
I was so defensive and i didnt know what everyone was talking about. Also i got if you didnt get that it was your personal failure, or mental failing, not that some children were jst so hard and different and outside the box. Now i think this would have helped some. Also knowing now i am not a failure, that in a different childs land i am a messiah. Someone who pleases them so. Who has worked hard at a relationship and continues to do so as you are the most esteemed one. Every action, every song solidifying you as the centre of their world. But the thing is you jst are anyway and its a self filfulling prophesy when someone looks to you, reveres you, trusts you,believes the best in you, thinks you are the funniest person ever, that you soothe them with yr cuddles then you jst are. You live up to it more&more every day. And maybe he has so much to teach us. Our little parcel from heaven completing this family perfectly and at such a time in our life weve been starved of sunshine. When i think of a life without hin, or if we were one and done like we mostly thought. I cease up inside. All these things had to happen for that exact moment when the universe sent us him. But i tell you im so so busy i cnt imagine another (&outnumbered!) with being ill and only having a certian amount of energy it feels it. So lasts. Although i want another for Reeds sake so hes not jst stuck with his wiley bro😂 but i know i realistic dont have the energy.and adrian works a lot.so i am outnumbered a lot. Or hes doing all the reno stuff. We are seperate.
This precious moment of falling in love is so similiar to romantic love that its any wonder that men sometimes get jealous. They look for you, you get them in ways no one else, they are there for you and there is nothing in the way. No technology, no stress, jst true unbridled, unquestionable love and trust. You are the centre of their world. I remember our early love but then technology was so less then.
Their soul is also so known to you. You felt it even when you carried them. Steady and knowing. No difference when they crossed the barriers into the world. But that feeling that they were tucked inside you all this time. Now they are here, its like your soul living outside your body and its so glorious in actuality but so fragile and breathtaking all in one.
I know i need to do a proper post soon, started to be unadded😂