First We Take Manhattan
In this thread, I will start an organised repository of the terrible Homestuck AU universe cephiedvariable and I came up to in a fit of adrenaline and post-HTML PTSD. I am speaking as though anyone other than the aforementioned writer and I are reading this. This is because I am pretentious.
Until we think up a better name, the Manhattan AU basically revolves around the living post-SBURB trolls -- Sollux Captor, Terezi Pyrope, Kanaya Maryam, Karkat Vantas and Aradia Megido -- coming to live on Earth, vetted cautiously by an American government as harmless aliens though ones not to be introduced to the public as such. Their cover story is that they are children with serious argyria, calcium defects (the teeth!) and a variety of other related medical disorders, though I imagine they wear sclera contact lenses and cover up their horns.
This works for Sollux, Terezi and Karkat, but not Kanaya and Aradia: Aradia's horns are too big to be hidden, and Kanaya as a rainbow-drinker glows in the sunlight and basically has too many vampiric traits to ever go relatively unnoticed in public. Mrs. Lalonde, Mr. Egbert and Bro Strider agree to take in the troll children and an orphaned Jade Harley; Aradia goes to live on Jade's island with the other remnants of the game, the Exiles, as she does not wish to rejoin a built-up society anyway. Kanaya goes to live in the Catskills in her own tasteful version of My Side Of The Mountain.
Mrs. Lalonde takes Karkat Vantas, Mr. Egbert Jade and Sollux, and Bro Strider despite not having the financial resources to support a hamster takes on Terezi. They return respectively to Rainbow Falls, NY; Maple Valley, Washington; and Houston,Texas.
Happy families are all alike, but sarcastic families are sarcastic in their own way.
Striders Gonna Stride
tZM: out of all the trolls terezi would be the happiest on earth in my opinion
someone has a prompt up for karkat being adopted by john's dad and i was immediately like
TEREZI PYROPE-STRIDER
CV: fdsklfjds
Terezi and Bro would get along so well and it would drive Dave into nervous fits
tZM: dude you know the worst part is bro thinks rez is effortlessly cool
CV: well I mean she is
Terezi doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks
tZM: except one person
but all I can imagine is terezi being the happiest living in that godawful little apartment eating army surplus soup
"tz those things had a due by date in the carter presidency"
CV: trolls have a stronger constitution 3XC3PT K4RK4T
tZM: all karkat eats is cake, karkat loves cake
CV: cries and eats cake and watches Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movies from the 90's
tZM: which he loves
tZM: also she and bro would collab on hanged smuppet snuff porn
CV: oh my god
I hadn't even thought of this
tZM: Bro And Terezi Make A Porno
CV: it's a one room apartment; where does terezi sleep? bunk beds?
tZM: dude bunk beds are expensive as shit
bro just strings her up a hammock on, like, the ceiling
CV: HOW DO 1 R3CUP3R4T3 1N TH1S?
What a shitty apartment
tZM: it's the SHITTIEST
she loves it
Perhaps You Would Be So Kind As To Take My Pipe In Matrimony
CV: but wait, Mom and Dad are gonna get together so
WE FORGOT TO TAKE THIS INTO CONSIDERATION
tZM: oh you know they'll only get married after years of dignified dating
so that massive wedding is when the kids are seventeen
CV: Households merge
But slowly
Dad's a respectful guy and he understand that Mom is an Independent Woman
and her Career is Important
tZM: and he wants to appreciate her for the fine, independent modern citizen she is
tZM: so yeah, mom and dad can't marry until the kids have moved out and are in college or whatever
though i like to think they dragged them off to the outer wop-wops to have summer holidays
and pined for each other classily
okay they just took all the trolls to some cabin by a lake and flirted as the kids shouted and kicked things all summer
Karkat Learns To Youth Roll
CV: Karkat lives with Rose of course
tZM: and they join forces against her mom
CV: He is so mad
"MY HUMANS"
well ok karkat is mad about everything
"I AM BRINGING SOME FUCKING PLAIN FLAVOURED AGGRESSION TO THIS HOUSEHOLD"
"NONE OF THIS PASSIVE SHIT"
tZM: MRS. LALONDE THINKS HE IS SO FULL OF VIM
rose is like stop using the word vim mother
you do it solely to irritate me
And Sollux Will Eat All The Baked Goods John Won't, And Jade Makes Tanglebuddy Cookies
tZM: all sollux and john do is have horrible lan parties
tZM: you know john thinks he is SO COOL
he is the HACKER, he has ALL THE CODES
and sollux wrangles jade and john while rolling his eyes
tZM: Karkat and Jade are the worst Starcraft players, they all die first
they try to zerg rush each other
CV: when they play Starcraft two, Sollux makes the game say really stupid things whenever nukes are used
Like he records Karkat yelling about shitting rage snakes
tZM: Karkat does not think this is funny
Rose and John do
ii live wiith egberts. what diid you fucking expecth
But Only Because There Were No Nazis To Fight
tZM: aradia can go live with the exiles or something they're probably camped out in some desert
CV: Yes
She wouldn't want to be in a big city anyways
tZM: she's Aradia Jones
CV: since she was a solitary country dweller and yes
she can explore~
tZM: she's busy unearthing some dinosaur
actually maybe the exiles go inhabit jade's island?
aradia can go unearth dinos there
and catalogue all of grandpa's horrible fucking mummies
AND THEN THEY START GROWING UP.
Dave Strider's heart is too much in control, the lack of romance in his soul will turn you grey, kid
tzM: also I hope dave totally has girlfriends in high school
and terezi DOESN'T CARE AT ALL
CV: Yes
NOT AT ALL NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT
his girlfriends all eventually break up with him because of her though. by which i mean he totally breaks up with them first
always first because come on
(the first girl broke up with him)
(that shit's never going down again)
tZM: dude it must be so unbelievably irritating being his girlfriend when he and terezi are mashed brotatoes
CV: And y'know Dave's got a girl over obviously for the explicit purpose of making out and Terezi's just in her economy bunk bed hammock like; "DON'T M1ND M3"
"tz seriously get out"
"Uh is she like your sister?"
"not
even
close"
tZM: WHY D4V3 4M 1 BE1NG.... S3X1L3D???
CV: *horrible howler monkey cackle goes here*
tZM: dave learns to make out with his girlfriends on school premises
oh ow
i bet at one point dave really casually asks bro about isn't he worried leaving him and tz home all the time
fifteen and pregnant bro
might end up in a lifetime movie
and bro's like, if you two were gonna you would've already. so no, you won't
CV: bro i dont think you get it this is alien biology were talkin about here
im the one whos gonna be pregnant
tZM: bro im scared i think i missed my period
you know terezi's just like oh when you're sleeping I lay my eggs in you each night
CV: he knows that's not how trolls work but it's comforting none the less
like "i keep sleep soundly without knowing that"
"all that icky sweaty alien biology dripping down on me:
tZM: yes
CV: And basically they are in love
tZM: terezi looked so cute in her little matching strider tux at prom
CV: khfkjdshfkj
obvs they start dating ironically
like date after ironic date. it was the same as shit they usually did except they held hands for the lulz and made out in public places for the lulz
like you know it was rl trolling
tZM: i'm like dave it stopped being ironic the moment your lips touched hers
CV: nuh uh
tZM: i don't care if both of you stuck out your tongues and like, licked them together making monkey sounds
CV: it was entirely for the benefit of everyone else in the theater lobby
it was a streneously produced kabuki play of a make out session
tZM: it was practically choreographed
CV: it WAS choereographed
tZM: yeah they sat down and storyboarded it
and you know it ended in fire when dave stumbled and was like uh this is just for ironic show like, two months later
CV: Terezi was fifteen steps ahead of him at this point
but it was still infuriating when she was planning to go to law school on that kidney he offfered to sell
she's getting good at earth sarcasm but in troll culture that would have been an actual thing y'know
tZM: oh man you know they were always coming up with godawful hilarious get rich quick schemes in the manner of the old boondollar stuff too
and bought lottery tickets they never won on
CV: until he offered a kidney
so she could go to harvard
it's harder when you can't time travel
they like successfully rigged bingo night once
tZM: WHAT, IN A RETIREMENT HOME
CV: yes
tZM: I LOVE THEM
CV: and then made out ironically back home where no one could see
but it was still ironic
because uh
tZM: yes because um
yeah
it was so ironic they freaked out in their efforts not to let bro know
CV: they won three whole Dennys coupons
tZM: they used those coupons on special occasions
terezi loves ketchup
sometimes with curly fries on it, but mostly ketchup
dave's like damn girl you are such a classy applebees date
CV: just licking the plate that she poured literally the entire bottle of ketchup on
tZM: keep this up and we'll upgrade you to tgi friday's
they were such latchkey kids and they were so happy with what little they had
CV: Ketchup mostly
tZM: always ketchup
sometimes: jam
waitresses were okay with it because dave explained she had a condition
CV: Dave was less happy about the ketchup
bro likes Terezi better so he buys lots of red things when he actually gets groceries
Dave's like dammnit im not a troll i need real food
Get a job l'il bro.
tZM: dude for her birthday, bro and dave pick out all the red M&Ms from the pick'n'mix candy section in the supermarket
CV: terezi's pretty convinced her birthday is just the entire period spanning Sept.22 to Oct. 22
tZM: B1RTHD4YS L4ST 4 MONTH R1GHT
no tz
M1N3 DO3S
CV: "i sent roses because theyre red"
"i mean i coulda sent poinsettas but those are poisonous to trolls and housecats right"
tZM: she ate one of the roses.
like he's just looking over and there she is a little furtively chewing
CV: 4LW4YS TH1NK1NG OF YOU *munch munch*
tZM: dave strider is deeply in love with a girl who ate a fucking rose
CV: "bro did this to me"
Your name is DAVE STRIDER. Not only are you uncool enough that you bought a girl fucking roses, you stuck around after she ate them. Poor form, man.
tZM: Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you are sitting around swigging this bottle of tabasco sauce.
The best things in life also hurt.
When We Arrive, Sons And Daughters
CV: Terezi's got less of an existential crisis here because Earth is fucking awesome
tZM: unlike karkat who's depressed
sollux has become a little contemptuously king of the hackers and is too bored to do anything with it
humanth, sheeth
CV: Things weren't even great for Karkat on Alternia where he was always hiding his blood
tZM: No, his whole life has been a fail train with a crumpled caboose.
CV: It's the principle
And like I said. PTSD
tZM: and oh man you know john is the type of guy who will change his degree about nine jillion times
has half a degree in music, one semester in computer science, and three days in business because he didn't know where he was
CV: What even does John eventually do? I mean Rose could be a novelist or a psychologist of professional academic
tZM: oh Rose is so going to live and die in academia
and dude I think John is a professional dick-arounder whom nobody quite knows what he's doing, first he's volunteering here and now he's got a thing here and he's helping out someone over there
CV: Sollux'll just make a killing finally creating a rival to windows.
tZM: Thollucks makes Facebook 2.0
CV: All it is is Facebook with a dislike option
tZM: KARKAT WAS SO HAPPY
CV: "FUCKING FINALLY *dislikes everything on John's page*"
tZM: HE SPENT A WEEK DISLIKING EVERYTHING JOHN HAD DONE FOR THREE YEARS
CV: "look karkat i'm sorry but i told you already i don't really feel that way about you."
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFF EGBERT"
tZM: I HOPE YOUR FUCKING FARMVILLE MILKBEAST DIES
tZM: so yes rose is all researching medieval satanist gnostic literatures
and getting her phD as kanaya follows her wherever she goes and smoulders
CV: Rose visits her once a week, remember
The others visit when they can
Terezi eventually goes to school in the area
harvard is close enough to New York
tZM: but rose and kanaya end up having classy dinner dates when they're older, even if kanaya can't eat
CV: In bright day though so no one notices she glows
tZM: okay okay okay okay; you KNOW karkat ends up moving to some urban hub and becoming a bitter guerilla superhero
CV: oh wow I had not thought of it but yes
Kanaya goes to help because she actually has superpowers and she worries about him
tZM: oh my god they become a superhero fighting team
because he gets shot ALL THE TIME, she is constantly yanking bullets out of him at 3 AM
CV: because Kanaya and Karkat make amazing moirails
tZM: and they fight crime
CV: The trolls might sadly start letting go of troll romance because
I mean, they'll never fill all their qudrants unless this family wants to be so incesteous
tZM: i think karkat's a traditionalist who desperately tries to keep hold of it as long as he can, out of all of them?
terezi drops it like it's hot early on
CV: oh karkat
tZM: i mean sollux, terezi, karkat, aradia, kanaya, karkat could not begin to make a shipping chart out of that that balances
he tries so hard
CV: And Karkat is just so mad that terezi dropped it so fast
She even dated human boys who weren't Dave
tZM: who dave was so chill about
CV: But still the chillest, his poker face seventeen degrees more cool
and by cool I mean seething
seething so coolly
tZM: you know i bet he complained to the only person he could complain to, aradia
CV: aradia makes some metaphor about this dinosur she's digging up
Aradia loves dinosaurs because they're like shit that lived on Alternia
tZM: dude aradia and jade unfortunately band together to do something terrible
they make that island like a tame domesticated jurassic park
CV: If Karkat is going to be superhero, Jade and Aradia and the Exiles can make Jurassic Park
This is Homestuck, Jade has no practical skills besides that
tZM: jade strikes me as someone who has never intergrated in human society at all, so really doesn't care for or about school or college?
CV: She's like the "clever girl" guy from jurassic park except that raptors all love her
tZM: jade is just running around with these velociraptors
NO!!! STOP OPENING ALL THOSE JARS!!
BAD RAPTORS
CV: I like how this started off so normal with Terezi and Dave giving Karkat a hard time about romcoms
and now Aradia and Jade own Jurassic Park
tZM: so what does sollux do now that he has ten squillion dollars
CV: He buys a mansion and lots of bitches
he ignores them though, they can just hang out in the pool
tZM: SO MANY BITCHES
CV: it's just what you do in earth culture and everyone wanted so badly for him to fit in
He funds Jade and Aradia
tZM: rose is like, sollux what's with the preponderance of these scantily clad starlets
i got them half prithe on a sale
what do you think lalonde
CV: Rose tells Sollux all about feminism 101
tZM: oh god it becomes their ironic thing
CV: gender inequality is new to trolls
tZM: where he's ironically chauvenist
CV: sollux tried to buy male bitches too
tZM: he has a couple but ith more difficult to get
tZM: i can see sollux being closest to aradia and jade, really, and kind of envying them, though he probably also still has a good relationship with rose and karkat
CV: Terezi is Karkat's legal defense whenever he gets caught
tZM: which is often and sollux has to pay off the NYPD
CV: Oh Dave, what are your ambitions :C
tZM: it's DAVE
ambitions: be dave
CV: fair
tZM: he's a dj
CV: He graduates into a real hipster and yes
tZM: and yes he moves around like, san fran or chicago or ny
CV: doesn't really make a lot of money. intentionally chooses shitty dives
and ny everyone's gonna end up in the same place come on
tZM: he's worshipped for being a genius but never graduating into being popular, like the hipster messiah
karkat's like GREAT
YOU'RE ERIDAN
THE CYCLE IS COMPLETE
CV: Turntech Godhead is the DJ cool people mention to each other to make sure that they are actually cool
tZM: also karkat has some appalling job
janitor, taxi driver, he has a bunch of jobs
he doesn't make much money and his apartment costs insane amounts despite the fact that it's a shoebox
tZM: you know I think john's actually bumming around doing habitat for the homeless etc in africa and just around the place, red cross work -- sort of half the fun drifter life, half playing at hero himself, sort of lost in a real and very visceral way he can't share with the others?
CV: oh my god john ;__;
tZM: but yeah, it's one thing that john would understand about karkat, and karkat understand about john in an unbelievably wangsty way
I imagine they both kind of fall into each other's radar at the same time -- the others freak out when it turns out John's in like the Cote d'Ivoire or whatev when fighting breaks out and it suddenly spills out that he is ALWAYS in war-torn orphanages and knows how to say HEHE HI HOW IS EVERYONE in sixteen languages
john has displayed his empty hands at a jillion different types of guerilla
CV: John and Karkat meeting in dirty new york
like after midnight hole in the wall diner
and have this awkward conversation
that john has to be serious about
and then they go have sex in Karkat's shitty apartment or something and it's so wangsty and John's like: "we need to put on Celine Dion. She's the most romantic singer."
And karkat's like: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFF"
"ON SECOND THOUGHT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE WAITED AND DREAMED AND HAD UNPURE THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS MOMENT MY WHOLE LIFE I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND""
"he he hi how is everyone"
tZM: karkat blusters so much
CV: John you are a saviour
John leaves in the morning because he's on a flight to South America
tZM: john you asshole
but you know john would freak out if karkat got injured?
CV: fuck you orphans
gonna fly home immediately
(but really i'll be right back) (i promise i'll bring you all stuffed bunnies when i come back)
tZM: it is at that point he has to face up to the sinking feeling that he loves karkat more than orphans
b-b-but orphans
and no responsibiltiy
to anything!
CV: "ARE YOU STAYING THIS TIME OR IS THIS JUST ANOTHER INSTANCE OF YOU KICKING MY HEART LIKE ITS A GRUB-SKIN RAGEBALL AT THERE'S ONLY ONE SOLAR MINUTE LEFT IN THE DEATH ROUND? THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE BY THE WAY."
tZM: karkat too tired, drugged up and exhausted to like, pretend any more
that he is not totally heartbroken and has not been totally heartbroken from age 16 upwards.
tZM: rose thinks she lives in a twentysomething version of degrassi high
at least she and kanaya have no ridiculous drama of this stamp
CV: But the good Degrassi right?
tZM: she and kanaya are ~such good friends~
karkat's like IF YOU TWO GIVE EACH OTHER LONGSUFFERING GLANCES ANY MORE I WILL JUST GO BERSERK PLEASE FUCK ALREADY
rose and kanaya suffer honourably for a couple of years, then give up and have makeouts, hopefully when kanaya is on an adrenaline high after crimefighting and is wearing leather pants
CV: I can subscribe to this leather pants makeout session
tZM: look kanaya is a really hot crimefighter okay
so is karkat, they're bamfs
it's just that she and rose take their sweet damn time despite being passionately in love
CV: Rose doesn't want to get into anything Too Serious until she is finished with her education
tZM: yes, if they had but world enough and time.
CV: "Rose Your Education Is Obstensibly Looking To Take The Rest Of Your Life At This Juncture."
tZM: "That's what a phD entails, yes."
Striders Gonna Stride, Redux
tZM: you know dave has to come and give up totally about the idea of not having tz in his life in the most publically embarrassing way somehow
all setting down a boombox in the middle of the harvard lawn
CV: They have a lot of false starts too but Terezi just doesn't have time for him not being able to admit he loves her
No time for that she's gotta find a good firm for Jurassic Park and help keep Karkat out of the electric chair
And also be so awesome they'll base a prime time television drama on her
tZM: CR1M1N4L M1NDS
CV: D4V3 1 H4V3 STUD13D YOUR 34RTH L4WY3R DR4M4S 4ND NON3 OF TH3M D4T3 H1PST3RS
tZM: TH3Y 4LL H4V3 1NT3R-OFF1CE ROM4NC3S
3SP3C1ALLY 4LLY MCB34L
tz stop watching that shit
SH3 1S SO S3LF-R3L14NT
CV: also youre an alien how are you gonna have an interspecies romance without them calling goddamn fox mulder once you get to second base
tZM: D4V3.
1T'S C4LL3D TH3 D4RK. >:]
CV: AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN LIKE ALLY MCBEAL WOULDN'T LET A MAN LIMIT HER LIFE CHOICES
>B[
CV: oh what Dave plays on his boombox at Harvard is Never Gonna Give You Up
YOU PL4Y3D TH4T 1NC1NC3R3 SONG! TH4T'S HOW 1 KNOW YOU M34N 1T!
tZM: He just fucking serenades her in the most embarrassing, soulbaring way
guess what terezi pyrope
he pleads guilty to the crime of loving you
CV: and they make out right there as if it was choreographed. they still remember the choreography
'Cause Now You're Gonna Be Normal, You And Me -- What You're Signing Up For Is A Storm At Sea
tZM: and sollux and jade and aradia are the weirdest tight-knit friendgroup
jade and aradia have teaparties with the exiles
CV: they have a good thing going ok
tZM: they're pretty happy, they're doing what they like
and sollux at least has karkat to talk to, and aradia and jade drag him off to do their silly shit
and aradia's good for him and he's good for jade, who by the time she gets to her twenties is totally sweetly insufferable and bugfuck
every so often she can go and play bass for dave but she has to get back to her ankylosaurids
CV: And this is basically what we discussed: how Jade with either Sollux or Aradia would be an ace combo
tZM: karkat will probably shit all of his intestines out
but they probably end up the only functional quadrant group somehow
CV: I didn't want to say it but omg yes
I was like: "weird troll ot3 where it's not strictly an ot3 but they are filling quadrants all over"
tZM: oh they're doing doubletime on the quadrants
CV: all of the quadrants
tZM: it's like a mobius threeway klein bottle
If we weren't such good friends, I'd wish you were dead
CV: do john and karkat ever work their shit out?
tZM: i think it takes them SO LONG
it takes john to realise that the only thing that is going to fill up the post-sburb hole in him is not the bunny back in the box, not like this
it's about going back and facing it and facing karkat and not pretending any more
he has been pranking himself
CV: oh john <3
tZM: but it's john so he's like I WILL DO THAT...................... NEXT WEEK
CV: it's always next week
it's next week for a long time
tZM: john has broken three squillion hearts everywhere
CV: karkat is still really bitter about the sex to celine dion night
tZM: oh god it's the saddest and most wangsty night
because they're so happy and frantic about that shit
CV: I mean not just because john made him listen to celine dion
tZM: no i mean that's traumatising but
CV: john played him without meaning to
tZM: john never intended to.
karkat thinks he never fucking intends anything.
CV: You KNOW he had Karkat smiling for once, that was intentional
And karkat was saving himself like a sweet teenaged dewdrop
By which I mean it's karkat
tZM: yeah nobody had sex with karkat
CV: John was slutting merrily across the globe
tZM: JOHN'S HAD A BUNCH OF DERPY SEX
CV: I mean with the best intentions! And it's so fun!
tZM: Oh man, it's just that people really like him, and he likes them too! And things just happen!
he likes it when people like him is that wrong.
CV: we get laughing and you know how things are, right karkat? : 0
tZM: KARKAT AT THIS POINT IS A LITTLE SUPERNOVA OF WHITE-HOT RAGE
CV: "oh man we were really drunk but y'know"
"one thing leads to another and might as well try everything once ha ha"
Karkat just slamming his head against the table
Even if it's just a hospital food tray
tZM: also you know john was so slippy about it when his first gay experience happened
EB: dave. dave do you think it's gay if you um. you know, with a guy.
TG: john nobody gives a shit if you lost your frenchkiss virginity to some russian guy in a parking lot
TG: seriously
EB: then we had sex five times in his car.
CV: five times?
Dave is so stunned he uses punctuation
jegus egbert
good work i guess
tZM: dave's SO STUNNED, DAVE IN TERRIBLE POSITION
dave: ==> feel bad for karkat vantas
CV: ==> feel bad for him for the first time ever
tZM: john's so derpy and apologetic over it
he guesses he might be a little gay dave!
CV: Karkat: *WORDLESS NOISE OF RAGE*
tZM: the heart monitor goes crazy
CV: "oh shit!"
John's just frantically calling for a nurse and she's all: "what happened"
And John just tells her
"well i was telling him about all the sex i had in eastern europe"
tZM: "um he's like my best friend or one of my best friends and i told him i had a bunch of sex with men oh no oh no"
CV: "and i guess he got a little upset"
tZM: they have to sedate karkat
he is trying to strangle john with his own iv
CV: "I FUCKING KNEW IT WAS KISMESIS FUCK YOU LALONDE YOU WERE WRONG!!!!"
tZM: the worst part is you know john's so attentive to him in hospital too, practically sleeps there and reads him books and they have unresolved sexual tension
rose thinks karkat is not undergoing hate, he is undergoing the human emotion known as brutal disappointment
CV: THERE IS NO BRUTAL DISAPPOINTMENT IN TROLL CULTURE. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS BEFORE. DO I NEED TO WRITE A FUCKING BOOK?
And Karkat, were you honestly expecting him to save himself?
Please, it's 2011
It's not like he gave you a promise ring. Or at all indicated to you that it was a thing.
tZM: ow