(no subject)
Because meredyd, schellibie, it's BOTH OF YOUR FAULTS THAT WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION and that I have seen the "Pop Goes My Heart" music video. Though that's less of a "fault."
Of course, it ostensibly has a happy ending due to the Dave and Terezi mixtape. It's like the mixtapes were a beautiful narrative.
ETA: Unlocking this for purposes. Shelby oh
tZM: EVERY TIME THAT I LOOK IN YOUR ANGEL EYES
tZM: JOHN LIKES THIS UNIRONICALLY
tZM: the dancing
tZM: the dancing
CV: he doesn't understand it's a parody
CV: like dave was impressed when John got him to listen to this song because he's like "well its kindergarten stuff but at least this is actual irony"
CV: and then john's like: "it's soooo romantic"
tZM: and dave sighs so hard
tZM: THIS MUSIC VIDEO
tZM: THIS MUSIC VIDEO
CV: I KNOW
CV: EVERYTIME THAT I LOOK IN YOUR ANGEL EYES
CV: I CAN'T GET OVER THAT LINE
tZM: JOHN THINKS THAT IS SO SWEET
CV: YOU ARE GOLD AND SILVER
CV: see, it's like me and karkat because he is actually gold and silver, ha ha ha
CV: he's going to love this mix i made him
tZM: what
tZM: you made him a what
CV: duuh a fanmix.
CV: about our love.
CV: john get out of my apartment
tZM: just go
tZM: it has the beach boys!
CV: egbert why are you still here
CV: and oh man, oh man, i found this amazing mashup of the ghost busters theme and lady gaga!
CV: the lyrics are kind of risque but i mean, we're like sixteen.
tZM: yeah i think we're ready to hold hands ha ha.
CV: Dave's just given up trying to communicate
tZM: john what do you want
do you want condoms
because terezi and i used those
for water balloons
CV: oh man, what are condoms.
CV: ha haha
CV: that's a joke.
CV: i know what condoms are, dave. i don't think karkat's ready yet, but we'll be safe. ;)
CV: thank you for being such a concerned friend.
CV: ("water balloons". ha ha, sure dave. ;) )
tZM: im seriously concerned
tZM: concered i might upchuck
tZM: (the sad thing is, they did use them as water balloons)
CV: yeah, that's what trolls do, dave. they throw up or something.
CV: into buckets.
CV: kind of weird, but karkat and i can make it work. :D
tZM: you might know that though wouldn't you dave. ;)
tZM: ha ha, oh man, i bet you're so sexually active
CV: no john i wasnt joking we used them as water balloons
tZM: do you feel weird when you have to tick that little box at the doctor's office now!
CV: kdjdflg
tZM: i kind of practiced ticking it even though i'm not yet!
CV: ldskhdfgjdsklghdfkjghdfskjg
CV: john why are we still having this conversation
CV: take your cd and the condoms and just go
CV: dont fucking get space pregnant
tZM: did you feel weird when you lost your virginity dave? like, did things change?
tZM: did your outlook change?
tZM: did your feelings change?
CV: kfjgfghldf
CV: John is tyring to have this serious bro conversation ok
CV: he wants to know
CV: he wants dave to advise him
CV: about losing troll virginity
CV: yes john love dies when you lose your virginity
CV: colours fade
tZM: dave is still a fucking virgin egbert
tZM: john must never know
CV: i put a picture of my innocence on milk cartons but its it ed geins basement now
CV: i check that box with so much sorrow on my shoulders dude you dont even know
CV: i dont recommend it
CV: yeah John losing his virginity before Dave is a terribly embarrassing situation
CV: and no one must ever know
tZM: nobody
tZM: nobody
tZM: all dave can hope for
tZM: is that karkat doesn't put out
tZM: also ED GEIN'S BASEMENT DAVE WTF
CV: Karkat puts out sorry
tZM: yeah Dave what universe are you living in
tZM: karkat doesn't even get all tsundere about it
tZM: he just succumbs to sweet angel kisses
tZM: and the incredibly romantic scenario of "dad being out for the night"
CV: dkjfhkjdhfdskjf
CV: Karkat ruins all John's smoothness
CV: John like tries for the cliche scenario
CV: he sets up candles and dinner and plays the mix
CV: And halfway through dinner and like all this smooth flirting John learned from Ben Affleck
tZM: aldfnalfkdnkal3nalnldfks
tZM: he's just quoting lines from ben affleck movies
CV: Karkat's just like ARE WE GOING TO "MAKE HUMAN LOVE" OR WHAT. YOUR LUSUS IS GOING TO BE BACK BEFORE ELEVEN.
tZM: lnlknak3lrna3klnwafklnawkeawfkafkleqnwlfnlkn2l34nkl13nk34
CV: THE ANTICIPATION IS MAKING ME WANT TO THROW UP.
CV: AND NOT THE "SEXY" KIND OF THROWING UP.
CV: oh karkat, you're such a romantic. <3
tZM: AND YOU BETTER HAVE A BUCKET. WHAT KIND OF GUY DO YOU FUCKING THINK I AM, CARRYING AROUND MY OWN BUCKET?
CV: FFFF STOP TEASING ME THIS IS INTOLERABLE.
CV: uhhh, i guess we can use the one for the mop?
tZM: YOU FREAK
CV: KISS ME IMMEDIATELY
tZM: alfknlnasdflnakflnwfklenrkawrl
tZM: and they mack to "stand by me"
tZM: and unfortunately dave gets the JUST HAD SEX :D text by 9:30 PM
CV: IT WAS AWESOME LOVE DIDN'T DIE
CV: LOVE GOT BETTER
tZM: KARKAT IS SO ROMANTIC
CV: GONNA DO IT AGAIN BRB
tZM: DO YOU KNOW HE LOVES THE SONG "LET"S MAKE A NIGHT TO REMEMBER" BY BRYAN ADAMS TOO???
CV: jgkdjkldjglkdf
tZM: IT'S NOW OUR SONG
tZM: WE HAVE LIKE TEN DAVE
CV: dave just txts back
CV: dont care
tZM: dave has it on autotext
CV: IT'S OUR SONG
CV: dont care
CV: WE HAVE LIKE TEN SONGS
CV: dont care
CV: POP GOES MY HEART WAS TOTALLY A HIT I WAS RIGHT
CV: dont care
tZM: aLSdnl2n1i4oiahdfifow
CV: YOU ARE SO JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU AND TEREZI DON'T HAVE ALL THESE AWESOME SONGS
CV: dont care
tZM: WE TOTALLY "DID IT" ON MY BED
dont care
also why is did it in air quotes
CV: I KNEW YOU WERE ACTUALLY READING THESE HA HA
dont care
tZM: i am laughing so hard
tZM: john is just so drunk on his own smugness
CV: but then around quarter after ten
CV: OH SHIT DAD'S COMING HOME SOON
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: IT'S REALLY HARD BEING GOOD AT SEX DAVE
CV: dont care
tZM: LIKE YOU LOSE TRACK OF THE TIME
CV: dont care
tZM: dave and terezi are playing cards
CV: WHY 1S YOU C3LLPHON3 GO1NG OFF 3V3RY T3N S3CONDS?
CV: ugggh
tZM: dont ask
CV: LET M3 S33
CV: no seriously
tZM: its just john reciting katy perry lyrics
CV: reciting them to dont care
CV: LET'S GO AAAALL THE WAY TONIGHT
CV: dont care
CV: NO REGRETS
CV: dont care
CV: JUST LOVE
CV: dont care
tZM: i am a man now dave
dont care
tZM: you won't believe where karkat gave me a hickey
tZM: dont care
CV: man you must get your hickeys in weird places because i never see them
CV: dont care
tZM: then john attempts to quiz dave on how to carry on a sexually active relationship under your guardian's roof
CV: Karkat gave him a hickey somewhere unremarkable like his forearm
tZM: yes
tZM: but john's so proud of it
tZM: casually rolls up his sleeve in public
CV: dvhdfkjgvdfg
tZM: people are like did you get bit by something?
CV: tz i gotta get laid
CV: i cant take the pressure
CV: this is the worst situation ive ever been in
CV: this is worse than timetravel
CV: by the way what is this world where karkat and john sort out sexual tension before dave and terezi
tZM: i don't know
tZM: but it's hilarious
tZM: i cant be the last kid to lose it tz
next thing you know lalonde will be all admitting to me she lost the sweet flower of her muffdiving chastity
CV: OH Y34H TH4T W4S 4 WH1L3 B4CK
tZM: what
tZM: fuck
CV: 1 4M ST1LL GR4SP1NG TH3 F1N3R 4SP3CTS OF HUM4N CULTUR3 BUT 1SNT TH1S WH4T "HOOK3RS" 4R3 FOR
CV: dont give me that tz you know what hookers are
CV: 3X4CTLY >:]
tZM: hookers dont take applebees vouchers
CV: Y34H BUT 1 DO >;]
tZM: maybe they just have so much sexual tension they can't even go there
they overshot themselves
CV: yes
tZM: and now they joke so much about sex they don't know where to unironically begin
CV: Yeah they just misinterpret when the other is being serious
CV: like right there Terezi was being serious
tZM: yes
CV: but Dave just goes ha ha flatly and deals out the cards
tZM: and dave's just like
baby with you id want free refills all night
go fish
CV: >:?
tZM: that's the problem
tZM: they were there so long they can't tell if the other's sincere because neither made a move
tZM: so now they pine tragically
CV: Dave once outright confessed his love and she like jovially punched him in the shoulder
CV: too hard
tZM: yes
tZM: he didn't even joke
tZM: not even a "terezi i am gay for you"
CV: fkgjfkldjgkdfl
CV: just a "you know youre the only girl for me"
CV: Y3S D4V3 W3 4R3
CV: 4S TH3 HUM4NS S4Y, "M4SH3D BROT4TO3S"
tZM: friendzoned
CV: H4H4H4H4H4H4
tZM: then she punched him
CV: no, she punched him after he was like
CV: no you know id marry you marriage is fucking stupid id do it
tZM: :( :( :( :( :(
tZM: oh dave
tZM: oh dave
CV: UNP4R4LL3L3D 1RONY
CV: whatever he's done it to her before too
tZM: yes
tZM: when she'd confessed to him
tZM: and now karkat and john are having unbelievably stupid teenage sex and john keeps going on about how he's glad he waited not like he's judging dave though ha ha
CV: fdkjfhkjds
CV: see terezi confessed pity though and dave was like lol kay tz
CV: she knew he was serious that time, she was just being bitter
tZM: yes
CV: they accidentally friendzoned each other
CV: because of their layers of irony
tZM: and now they're holding each other at arm's length
tZM: waiting for each other's chess move
CV: Dave can't take the Applebee's voucher taunt, it's too easy
tZM: he just doesn't even know where to start
tZM: what can he do, make her a mixtape
CV: fkdklfjdkl
CV: M4YB3. TH4T M1GHT B3 N1C3.
CV: >:[
tZM: but does he make her one with genuinely good remixes or one that contains three covers of journey's "open arms"
CV: oh man he is so tempted to just make a mix tape that's all "Open Arms"
tZM: the last one is him doing a terrible cover of open arms
CV: D4V3 TH1S 1S 4 B1T TOO 1RON1C, 3V3N FOR M3.
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: it didn't work
CV: They have to be ~*~honest~*~
CV: terrible corner to work yourself into, kids
tZM: because neither wants to break first
CV: Dave was so close to taking the Applebee's voucher taunt but that would be equating her with a hooker :/
CV: Which apparently is a super cool thing to be in troll culture but still
CV: not a great way to start a relationship
CV: "i have to get laid" great opening line strider
tZM: no, and it makes him feel out of control
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: he regrets that one
tZM: dave is not in a great mood
tZM: dave realises the only way he can fix this now
tZM: is not to communicate openly, emotionally and honestly
tZM: it's to set up a ridiculous get-together narrative setup
CV: fdjfhdsjfkdsf
tZM: preferably hypothermia, but that one's hard
CV: fdskfjkdsjfkd
tZM: can't do aliens made us fuck she's an alien
tZM: wonder if i can fake having double leukaemia
CV: fdskjfdskjfsdkjfhsdkjg
CV: tz i have double leukemia
CV: your love is the only cure
CV: no no thats stupid
tZM: maybe i can play her the lyrics of casimir pulaski day
tZM: nah this is bullshit
tZM: what about sleepwalking into her bed
tZM: cant she sleeps in a fucking hammock
tZM: damnit ill go to tvtropes
CV: Dave, Karkat would explain to you that these scenarios never work
CV: that's the point
CV: the only thing that works in a romcom is the awkward, honest confession
tZM: karkat can explain to me how to suck dicks
CV: literally
CV: thats a thing he can explain
CV: specific dicks too
tZM: johns dick
CV: fuck
CV: now im thinking about it
tZM: i didnt want to think about johns dick this is my goddamn somme of dick thinking
CV: bhbgfvvgbhjnkmkjn
tZM: it is not fucking fair that john is getting godawful blowjobs and i cant even tell tz i
CV: that i
CV: want
CV: godawful blowjobs
CV: i guess
tZM: yeah that
tZM: shit maybe ill tell her we have to repopulate
CV: terezi there is a lack of mutant insect people or whatever
CV: no no shell think im joking
tZM: maybe i have to get us into a situation where she comedically falls on top of me
CV: Terezi just comes in while he's pondering this
CV: WH4T 4R3 YOU CONC3NTR4T1NG ON SO 1NT3NTLY, COOOLK1D.
CV: thinking bout how to get you in bed
CV: H4H4 OF COURS3
tZM: they are so terrible
tZM: the worst part is they have so many layers this is depressingly possible
CV: W3R3 YOU GO1NG TO F4K3 DOUBL3 LUK3M14?
CV: babe you know me so well
tZM: lank3klna3flkl
CV: DOUBL3 LUK3M14 1S OUR SONG.
CV: tz its not a song
tZM: 1 H4V3 TR1PL3 LUK3M14
welp i should definitely sleep with you
CV: M4K3 SW33T 34RTH P1TY LOV3 TO M3 B3FOR3 MY BON3S D1SSOLV3 4ND 1 B3COM3 4 S4CK OF BUBBLY FL3SH! >:]
CV: i thought that was quadruple lukemia
CV: 1 G3T TH3M M1X3D UP.
CV: triple lukemia was the one where all your blood clots like in that shitty michael crichton book
tZM: i love how they have sat down and worked all of this out
tZM: M1CH43L CR1CHTON 1S SO SH1TTY
CV: way to get off topic
CV: WH4T W4S TH3 TOP1C?
CV: W4S TH3 TOP1C HOW YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 SW33T 34RTH LOV3 TO M3?
CV: no the topic was triple lukemia
tZM: not how we should bone immediately
CV: why would that ever be the topic
tZM: at that moment dave gets another text from john
dave karkat and me have just outdone our marathon snuggle time of fifteen minutes to twenty minutes!
dont care
tZM: dkfjskldjfl
tZM: okay no the topic was how we should bone immediately
CV: UGGGH NOT 1F 1TS JUST B3C4US3 YOUR3 J34LOUS OF JOHN.>:[
tZM: YOU'R3 NOT TH3 ONLY ON3 H3 T3XTS
tZM: im not jealous of egbert
tZM: i just think i have triple leukemia and we should do it
CV: NO 1 H4D TR1PL3 LUK3M14!
CV: YOU C4N'T 3V3N K33P TH4T STR41GHT! BL4R, 1 DON'T B3L13V3 YOU!
tZM: no no no you see we both have triple leukemia and its unbelievably fucking sad were all wasting away wanting just one shot at what desire feels like before we shuffle off this mortal coil and they play coldplays yellow at our funerals
tZM: what im trying to tell you is
tZM: i dont want them to play coldplay at my funeral
CV: Terezi is just. Most incredelous look ever.
CV: She is getting so sick of this
tZM: dave just doesn't know how to say anything right
CV: Terezi just is stubborn and doesn;t want to be the one to break
CV: She wants Dave to be the pathetic one
CV: and lap it up
tZM: because if she breaks it'll be infuriating
CV: we are the best romance writers ok
tZM: fandom, you should be glad that we regularly envision universes where dave and terezi won't make out because the best thing dave can think of is the excuse that he has "triple cancer"
CV: hdsfkljdgf
tZM: and that john and karkat have the longest, worst teen love honeymoon
CV: they should
tZM: yes
CV: dave karkat said he'd gay marry me but it was in the middle of IT so i don't know if he meant it! : )))))
CV: dont care
tZM: paf3kln3alnlanfowinalsnflqanew
tZM: AND YOU KNOW THAT'S HOW IT WAS PHRASED
tZM: LIKE EXACTLY
tZM: oh god karkat would you gay marry me
YEAH I'D FUCKING GAY MARRY YOU, EGBERT, I'D GAY MARRY YOU EVERYWHERE
CV: gjkdfjgkldfg
tZM: karkat do you even know what gay marry means
tZM: ONLY SIXTY PERCENT BUT SHUT UP JOHN
CV: kgjdfklg
CV: terezi we have to get gay married now
CV: UGGGH. 1 4M SO S1CK OF TH1S.
tZM: dave doesn't know what he should say
tZM: except he does
tZM: but
tZM: lalonde how did you and vampirella get together to do the nasty
Sometimes I can tell with a near-psychic certainty when we begin a conversation I don't wish to have.
CV: no cut the shit rose i need actual advice
CV: Like mature near-adults we had a discussion about our mutual attraction.
CV: Words tend to be useful when used responsibly, Dave.
tZM: rose is so lying, she and kanaya were having an argument with heaving bosoms and had a verbal slap-slap kiss moment
CV: yes
CV: but no way she's admitting that to Dave
CV: especially since he's so impressionable he'd be like
CV: oh i see a fight
CV: gotta pick a fight
tZM: i can start a fight
tZM: easy
CV: lalonde the fight didnt work
CV: its like you arent even good at this why do i ever talk to you
tZM: jade
hi dave!!!
no changed my mind
CV: mjmhjhghj
tZM: jade would have appreciated the conversation, actually, all she gets is karkat on the other line telling her alternately how annoying is/how much he's going to marry john
CV: HARLEY I'M GOING TO GAY MARRY JOHN. I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT THIS ENTAILS BUT APPARENTLY IT'S A FUCKING PLAN.
CV: oh my god ew i don't want to know about my brother's sex life karkat.
CV: YOU ARE JEALOUS THAT OUR COMBINED BEAUTY COULD SWALLOW UNIVERSES.
tZM: durrrrrrrrrrrrh yes of course i am jealous of that. or not!!!
CV: ugggh you guys i don;t care if you're all fucking aliens but stop whining about it!!!!!!
tZM: dave tears his hair out