My annual Christmas tradition...
Christmas Day looks to be dismal and dreary this year thanks to a handful of Americans that decided, for reasons that remain clear only to them, to alter the tradition of leaving milk and cookies for Santa to consume on Christmas Eve. Santa Claus had just completed his Asian and European rounds, and he had begun his deliveries in the Eastern United States. His trip had been uneventful up until that point - milk and cookies had been left at every stop, with only a few slight variations on the normal theme, such as the leaving of skim milk, or scones and tea. The evening began to spiral downwards, however, when Santa came to the house of Edgar Lemmon of Columbia, South Carolina. Lemmon had opted to leave Santa, instead of the traditional milk and cookies, some chocolate chip cookies and a bottle of Absolut Morphine.
"I don't know why I did it," Lemmon said. "Well, I do know why I did it, I guess. It's my favorite drink, and I figured Santa was sick of milk. If I were him, I'd want alcohol sometimes."
As events began to unfold, it became clear that Lemmon had conspired with his friends and neighbors to fill Santa's night with alcoholic glee by leaving him various alcoholic beverages to consume during his jolly rounds. Lemmon's neighbor, Chris Taylor, left Santa a fresh batch of gingersnaps and a bottle of Aftershock. He also left a note that said, "Bill Klein down the street left his minibar open to you. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!"
It is believed that Santa consumed the majority of the evening's alcohol at Klein's house, including an entire bottle of Alizè, three bottles of Icehouse beer, a bottle of Goldschlager, and a chilled bottle of Mountain Berry Springs. After leaving Klein's home, Santa's blood alcohol level was somewhere around .35, according to police estimates. "It's a wonder that Santa even made it up Mr. Klein's chimney and into his sleigh," said Leon Lott, the Sheriff of Richland County. "But, somehow, he did. And that seems to be when the nudity began."
The length of time that Santa made his deliveries in the nude is not clear, but police believe it could not possibly have lasted longer than fifteen minutes. His nude present-dispatching spree came to a halt at the home of Anna Tucker, however. Tucker, a former Irmo High School student, happened to be awake when Santa came down her chimney.
"Like, it was awful," said Tucker. "I was sitting in the living room, like, watching television, and suddenly this big naked fat guy came sliding down my chimney." Tucker claims that Santa then stumbled to the table containing the milk and cookies, picked up the milk, and threw it into the fireplace. "He said he wanted some [freaking] Absolut Citron. He said he'd tie me to the sleigh and drag me halfway to Belize if I didn't give him alcohol."
While Santa was ransacking Tucker's kitchen for liquor, she called the Lexington County Police Department to report him. At some point, however, Santa heard her on the phone, and he left her house. "We got there and he was gone," said Officer George Hathaway. "We called in and put out an APB with the Richland County Sheriff's Department immediately. We knew he'd be caught soon enough. It's pretty hard to miss a fat naked guy in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, you know?"
"Soon enough" came precisely twelve minutes later off of Bush River Road. Officer Leo Wilson of the Richland County Sheriff's Department was on patrol when he "saw a huge fat naked man stumbling across the street. There were reindeer running after him, pulling a sleigh. They were having serious trouble catching up." Wright intercepted Santa near Burlington Coat Factory. "He kept trying to pull away from me, and he kept falling down," Wright said. "It was a pathetic sight. He kept saying, 'do you know who I am? I am Santa Claus. Let me go, or I won't give you any presents.' I didn't want to handcuff him and haul him in, but I really had no choice. He was as drunk as a sailor."
Santa was taken to jail and booked on charges of indecent exposure, being drunk and disorderly, and piloting a sleigh while under the influence of alcohol. His blood alcohol level turned out to be .35, which is more than three times the legal limit in South Carolina. "We wanted to let him finish his Christmas deliveries," Lott said, "but we couldn't. We were afraid he would kill someone with his sleigh in his drunken stupor, or worse - emotionally scar a child forever with the sight of his nude, rotund body."
Santa is currently in the custody of the Richland County police department, and he is required by law to spend at least the rest of this evening in jail. His sleigh sits in the impound, and childrens' undelivered gifts sit with it. At the earliest, Santa may be out of jail tomorrow morning. That will, of course, be too late for him to finish his delivering of Christmas cheer. "We don't know what else to do," Lott said. "No matter what, tomorrow morning, children all over the world are going to have their illusions of Santa Claus shattered."
"We did what the law required us to do," said Lott. "We hope that the children of the world will forgive us."
"I don't know why I did it," Lemmon said. "Well, I do know why I did it, I guess. It's my favorite drink, and I figured Santa was sick of milk. If I were him, I'd want alcohol sometimes."
As events began to unfold, it became clear that Lemmon had conspired with his friends and neighbors to fill Santa's night with alcoholic glee by leaving him various alcoholic beverages to consume during his jolly rounds. Lemmon's neighbor, Chris Taylor, left Santa a fresh batch of gingersnaps and a bottle of Aftershock. He also left a note that said, "Bill Klein down the street left his minibar open to you. Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!"
It is believed that Santa consumed the majority of the evening's alcohol at Klein's house, including an entire bottle of Alizè, three bottles of Icehouse beer, a bottle of Goldschlager, and a chilled bottle of Mountain Berry Springs. After leaving Klein's home, Santa's blood alcohol level was somewhere around .35, according to police estimates. "It's a wonder that Santa even made it up Mr. Klein's chimney and into his sleigh," said Leon Lott, the Sheriff of Richland County. "But, somehow, he did. And that seems to be when the nudity began."
The length of time that Santa made his deliveries in the nude is not clear, but police believe it could not possibly have lasted longer than fifteen minutes. His nude present-dispatching spree came to a halt at the home of Anna Tucker, however. Tucker, a former Irmo High School student, happened to be awake when Santa came down her chimney.
"Like, it was awful," said Tucker. "I was sitting in the living room, like, watching television, and suddenly this big naked fat guy came sliding down my chimney." Tucker claims that Santa then stumbled to the table containing the milk and cookies, picked up the milk, and threw it into the fireplace. "He said he wanted some [freaking] Absolut Citron. He said he'd tie me to the sleigh and drag me halfway to Belize if I didn't give him alcohol."
While Santa was ransacking Tucker's kitchen for liquor, she called the Lexington County Police Department to report him. At some point, however, Santa heard her on the phone, and he left her house. "We got there and he was gone," said Officer George Hathaway. "We called in and put out an APB with the Richland County Sheriff's Department immediately. We knew he'd be caught soon enough. It's pretty hard to miss a fat naked guy in a sleigh pulled by reindeer, you know?"
"Soon enough" came precisely twelve minutes later off of Bush River Road. Officer Leo Wilson of the Richland County Sheriff's Department was on patrol when he "saw a huge fat naked man stumbling across the street. There were reindeer running after him, pulling a sleigh. They were having serious trouble catching up." Wright intercepted Santa near Burlington Coat Factory. "He kept trying to pull away from me, and he kept falling down," Wright said. "It was a pathetic sight. He kept saying, 'do you know who I am? I am Santa Claus. Let me go, or I won't give you any presents.' I didn't want to handcuff him and haul him in, but I really had no choice. He was as drunk as a sailor."
Santa was taken to jail and booked on charges of indecent exposure, being drunk and disorderly, and piloting a sleigh while under the influence of alcohol. His blood alcohol level turned out to be .35, which is more than three times the legal limit in South Carolina. "We wanted to let him finish his Christmas deliveries," Lott said, "but we couldn't. We were afraid he would kill someone with his sleigh in his drunken stupor, or worse - emotionally scar a child forever with the sight of his nude, rotund body."
Santa is currently in the custody of the Richland County police department, and he is required by law to spend at least the rest of this evening in jail. His sleigh sits in the impound, and childrens' undelivered gifts sit with it. At the earliest, Santa may be out of jail tomorrow morning. That will, of course, be too late for him to finish his delivering of Christmas cheer. "We don't know what else to do," Lott said. "No matter what, tomorrow morning, children all over the world are going to have their illusions of Santa Claus shattered."
"We did what the law required us to do," said Lott. "We hope that the children of the world will forgive us."