Trial of the Century (the sequel to Grumps McGruff)
I had been assigned the McGruff Trial. It was luck of the draw, really: everyone thought it was going to be a hilarious trial to report. Everyone knew about McGruff's casual bigotry, his compulsively foul mouth and his perpetual sneer - it was a formula for courtroom comedy. Truth was, like most trials, so much of it was really awfully dull. Various witnesses there to read reams of text into the record, recounting facts and figures which the jury would review later. Some of it got written down, but for most of the beginning I just tried to focus on the court recorder's generous bosom.
When they started questioning Grumps McGruff, however, I suddenly found myself the luckiest reporter at the paper. Here was perhaps the most controversial police officer in history. Some said this was long in coming; others said that corruption and sloth had finally slain even the finest cop on the beat. The prosecution's opening interrogation was pretty forceful, but McGruff held his own. They threw everything at him: the precinct fire, the harassment accusations, the graft charges.
"What were you doing in the precinct boiler room on the evening of June 20th, 2008?"
"Probably the same thing you were doing in your hot ADA's office that night."
"Objection, your honor!"
"...I'll allow it."
"Thank you, your honor. Good to see a noble man in the law department."
"Officer Shosky reported that you told him he could quote 'just feel free to jump up your ass' unquote. Is this accurate?"
"No, sir. I said that he could feel free to jump up my ass, only if he wanted to quote 'fuck with me'. The same applies to you and your Dutch superfraud friends, McCoy."
"The Childers Preschool for Kittens filed a complaint with the precinct alleging that you had threatened them with arson."
"Yeah, let's see that complaint, I'll wager a titty shot of my wife that it's in your handwriting, you fucking Quebecois."
But the trial became truly fascinating when the defense called on Officer McGruff.
"Officer McGruff, you were heard earlier accusing District Attorney McCoy of having quote 'superfraud friends' unquote. Can you elaborate further on this?"
"Yes, I can. I believe that I have come very close to exposing a conspiracy - for which Mister Rogers over there is a hired goon, perhaps even a henchman third-class - on the part of several elite officials within the government, attempting to commit superfraud against the public. When I got too close, they shut me down."
"And... what is superfraud?"
"A fraud so extreme it cannot be defined by real numbers. The mathematics are beyond me, but my understanding is that the aftermath of such a criminal act could potentially leave the government and the fine upstanding taxpayers of this municipality in a state of infinite bankruptcy."
At this point the district attorney bolted upright and shouted at the judge.
"Your Honor, this is preposterous! These words aren't recognized by any economist as legitimate, and..."
"Sit down, Mr. McCoy! Go on, Officer McGruff, I want to hear more about this."
With the drama of McGruff's "superfraud" allegations compounded by his pre-existing infamy, and the potential scandal of the district attorney's office, this had just become the Trial of the Century, more captivating than even the bustiest of the county's court recorders.
When they started questioning Grumps McGruff, however, I suddenly found myself the luckiest reporter at the paper. Here was perhaps the most controversial police officer in history. Some said this was long in coming; others said that corruption and sloth had finally slain even the finest cop on the beat. The prosecution's opening interrogation was pretty forceful, but McGruff held his own. They threw everything at him: the precinct fire, the harassment accusations, the graft charges.
"What were you doing in the precinct boiler room on the evening of June 20th, 2008?"
"Probably the same thing you were doing in your hot ADA's office that night."
"Objection, your honor!"
"...I'll allow it."
"Thank you, your honor. Good to see a noble man in the law department."
"Officer Shosky reported that you told him he could quote 'just feel free to jump up your ass' unquote. Is this accurate?"
"No, sir. I said that he could feel free to jump up my ass, only if he wanted to quote 'fuck with me'. The same applies to you and your Dutch superfraud friends, McCoy."
"The Childers Preschool for Kittens filed a complaint with the precinct alleging that you had threatened them with arson."
"Yeah, let's see that complaint, I'll wager a titty shot of my wife that it's in your handwriting, you fucking Quebecois."
But the trial became truly fascinating when the defense called on Officer McGruff.
"Officer McGruff, you were heard earlier accusing District Attorney McCoy of having quote 'superfraud friends' unquote. Can you elaborate further on this?"
"Yes, I can. I believe that I have come very close to exposing a conspiracy - for which Mister Rogers over there is a hired goon, perhaps even a henchman third-class - on the part of several elite officials within the government, attempting to commit superfraud against the public. When I got too close, they shut me down."
"And... what is superfraud?"
"A fraud so extreme it cannot be defined by real numbers. The mathematics are beyond me, but my understanding is that the aftermath of such a criminal act could potentially leave the government and the fine upstanding taxpayers of this municipality in a state of infinite bankruptcy."
At this point the district attorney bolted upright and shouted at the judge.
"Your Honor, this is preposterous! These words aren't recognized by any economist as legitimate, and..."
"Sit down, Mr. McCoy! Go on, Officer McGruff, I want to hear more about this."
With the drama of McGruff's "superfraud" allegations compounded by his pre-existing infamy, and the potential scandal of the district attorney's office, this had just become the Trial of the Century, more captivating than even the bustiest of the county's court recorders.