Broken
i'm going to write about something thats been bothering me lately... its about how ive been raised to see myself.
when i look into the mirror, i see someone totally different than the person i know i am staring back at me. sometimes i see the real me staring back. the one thats fine. its just those other times when i see myself distorted and with flaws painted all over me. the thing is..i know that im fine, but there is something inside of me that wants to make myself perfect. its almost like i feel that being perfect on the outside will cover up all the broken peices of me that are hidden on the inside. the parts of me that i am ashamed of and that i hate about myself. all the things that have ever gone wrong in my life: they hide within my hollow shell and my smile protects them.
i remembered something the other day that had totally slipped my mind...it used to really bother me. it was somethign my dad told me on the way to school one day that just shocked me. he told me i should really consider looking to be a sports illustrated swimsuit model because that was where my mom messed up. he said i could try playboy if i wanted to, but it was a little less modest. well no shit right? i seriously just looked at him with disgust when he said that... so hes telling me its not okay for me to be a nurse because its a waste of my talent and not real worthy...but its okay for me to take my clothes off and pose? not to mention thats just wrong for a dad to tell his daughter. it freaked me out. alkjsdflakdsj f even just to think about it...sick.
that is what i have grown up with. he doesnt treat people the way he should and he has made me feel, ever since i was little, that as long as i am skinny and have long hair then it doesnt matter who i am as a person. i dont want to sound whiney, but that just hurts me. i dont believe in it at all but i hate the fact that he does. i hate how he has never been proud of me for anything, no matter how much i try or how much i learned...i have never been good enough, and i dont care that aspect doesnt bother me, but the fact that he pushes me to finish up his unachieved dreams through me just makes me so mad.
all the comments he makes all the time about my weight and my appearance have ceased to bother me. but the one memory that stays in my head so vividly is a time when he came over and grabbed my lovehandles from behind me. he was pinching them and made me turn so that my mom could see what he was talking about. he wasnt even only yelling at me, but at my mom for all the things that were apparently wrong with me. i dont even care about the whole weight issue related with that..its just that he cant accept people by who they are - only by what they look like. i hate people like that. and yet that is my dad, the person i am supposed to go to when i need to talk, or need a hug, or want to feel safe. instead i avoid him at all costs, he makes me cry way more than i should, and he makes my mind a danger to itself. i hate him so much, and i dont care what people say about that not being a good idea. let me say that you do not know him. and if you do then you dont know him like i do. the only thing he can do for me is stay the hell away from me. thats all i ask.
there is nothing i can do about this, and there isnt anything anyone else can do either. i konw who i am and i know that what he does is wrong. i just wish more than anything that i had a dad. not a biological father, but a dad. thats something i never had and never will, and it really hurts. i wish everyone would appriciate their parents for all they do for you out of love and not out of selfishness. just don't take it for granted is all i ask. be thankful, because you will never regret it. for now i will just have these moments where i feel i have to get things out of my head and into words, and i will keep waiting. i'm not going to pretend like it all doesnt bother me, because it does.
i guess i'll just see how tomorrow goes... fridays are always better than thursdays and plus you never know what the sun will bring with it when it rises. :)
goodnight everyone sorry this entry was so down i needed to get it off my back..i have a lot of other stuff on my mind right now too but its really late and i am tired. so tomorrow i will write about friends. the good and the bad aspects. whua la! *me
when i look into the mirror, i see someone totally different than the person i know i am staring back at me. sometimes i see the real me staring back. the one thats fine. its just those other times when i see myself distorted and with flaws painted all over me. the thing is..i know that im fine, but there is something inside of me that wants to make myself perfect. its almost like i feel that being perfect on the outside will cover up all the broken peices of me that are hidden on the inside. the parts of me that i am ashamed of and that i hate about myself. all the things that have ever gone wrong in my life: they hide within my hollow shell and my smile protects them.
i remembered something the other day that had totally slipped my mind...it used to really bother me. it was somethign my dad told me on the way to school one day that just shocked me. he told me i should really consider looking to be a sports illustrated swimsuit model because that was where my mom messed up. he said i could try playboy if i wanted to, but it was a little less modest. well no shit right? i seriously just looked at him with disgust when he said that... so hes telling me its not okay for me to be a nurse because its a waste of my talent and not real worthy...but its okay for me to take my clothes off and pose? not to mention thats just wrong for a dad to tell his daughter. it freaked me out. alkjsdflakdsj f even just to think about it...sick.
that is what i have grown up with. he doesnt treat people the way he should and he has made me feel, ever since i was little, that as long as i am skinny and have long hair then it doesnt matter who i am as a person. i dont want to sound whiney, but that just hurts me. i dont believe in it at all but i hate the fact that he does. i hate how he has never been proud of me for anything, no matter how much i try or how much i learned...i have never been good enough, and i dont care that aspect doesnt bother me, but the fact that he pushes me to finish up his unachieved dreams through me just makes me so mad.
all the comments he makes all the time about my weight and my appearance have ceased to bother me. but the one memory that stays in my head so vividly is a time when he came over and grabbed my lovehandles from behind me. he was pinching them and made me turn so that my mom could see what he was talking about. he wasnt even only yelling at me, but at my mom for all the things that were apparently wrong with me. i dont even care about the whole weight issue related with that..its just that he cant accept people by who they are - only by what they look like. i hate people like that. and yet that is my dad, the person i am supposed to go to when i need to talk, or need a hug, or want to feel safe. instead i avoid him at all costs, he makes me cry way more than i should, and he makes my mind a danger to itself. i hate him so much, and i dont care what people say about that not being a good idea. let me say that you do not know him. and if you do then you dont know him like i do. the only thing he can do for me is stay the hell away from me. thats all i ask.
there is nothing i can do about this, and there isnt anything anyone else can do either. i konw who i am and i know that what he does is wrong. i just wish more than anything that i had a dad. not a biological father, but a dad. thats something i never had and never will, and it really hurts. i wish everyone would appriciate their parents for all they do for you out of love and not out of selfishness. just don't take it for granted is all i ask. be thankful, because you will never regret it. for now i will just have these moments where i feel i have to get things out of my head and into words, and i will keep waiting. i'm not going to pretend like it all doesnt bother me, because it does.
i guess i'll just see how tomorrow goes... fridays are always better than thursdays and plus you never know what the sun will bring with it when it rises. :)
goodnight everyone sorry this entry was so down i needed to get it off my back..i have a lot of other stuff on my mind right now too but its really late and i am tired. so tomorrow i will write about friends. the good and the bad aspects. whua la! *me