Home space, how it ages when you're away...
So. Let's see if I can follow through on a livejournal entry for once. I've started a few but just couldn't follow through. Internet cafes and a lack of Death Cab are just not good for LJ updates.I haven't written in my study abroad journal for a month so I didn't really get to capture the emo-ness involved in study abroad ending and seeing and parents and all that crazy shit.
So I just went back and read some old journal entries of mine (ok, and some other peoples, yes I'm a creep) and it struck me how much I've changed the past few years. For instance, updating livejournals? My friends page is pretty empty, and while this might be lame I miss reading people's entries. So I hope some of you enjoy seeing me back.
Anyway, time for some long needed emo reflection (mostly about how I've changed):
-It's interesting to note how close I've been to some people who I barely even talk to anymore. I guess on study abroad I did a lot of reminiscing about the past (my way of being homesick and emo about growing up I supppose). Although my relationships have changed and I have changed, just know that if you're reading this I've probably missed you at some point, even though now we might not be able to relate, you've probably changed my life at least a little.
-Sometimes I truly wonder how the hell I came out of my family. While I have some of their quirkyness, sense of humor, and basic values...on a deeper level I've become almost completely different. I can't stand going to church anymore and it's hard for me to pretend to believe that shit. Study abroad (not living at home, being away from my friends) has allowed me to really be honest with myself. I want to come out of the atheist closet, but holy shit it's hard. This faith in atheism has affected how I view my life. If there's nothing after life, then I better fucking live it up. Yes I drink til I puke sometimes, yes I smoke pot, yes I have sex, no I don't believe in god. I'm still a decent person.
-While being emo abroad, I've realized some things that I don't like about myself. How would I describe myself? Genuine and honest would not be the first few words to come to mind. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm a good person. I take the easy way out of most things. Sometimes I am so insecure. The truth is I care about what people think of me, how they view me. Sometimes I wonder if I will forever be alone (the pinacle of emo). To find someone that I like enough to appreciate their flaws, and for them to feel the same about me. I guess they say you need to be completely ok with yourself to love someone. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm too insecure to even allow myself to like someone.
-I am worried about still being able to relate to people now. It was harder before. Its harder times 10 now. While on study abroad you feel so special, like you're so cool for doing this. The problem is you get back and no one gives a fuck. You are changed and wanting to share all these cool things, but nothing changes here (at home). You are not special. I am now too cool for school and honestly no one cares. I am excited (to say the least), but a little worried about going back to school. I feel a little out of the loop and that intimidates me.
-My priorites have changed. This is all we have. I may die tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy life and make as much of a positive impact I can. Do I want to spend another 7 years of the prime of my life in school. For what? A phD? Why is that important? I could be doing cool shit all over the world (I dunno, like developing organic farms in Mexico, helping an AIDS orphanage in Thailand, etc.). Is education really so important? And yes I have good intentions for my career, but really, what is important? I can also tell you that shit like soccer is totally insignificant. Yes I enjoy playing it, but honestly. (this goes back to still being able to relate to people).
-Basically, our world is fucked beyond repair. There is so much poverty, corruption, injustice, selfishness, apathy, etc. fucking everywhere. and it's reassuring to know that nothing I do will ever really make a difference. Yes, I can recycle, I can volunteer at a suicide hotline, I can donate money to whatever charity, I can "do the right thing", I can buy from good companies, I can help little poor mexican woman with their farm...but really, I have no power and very little impact. It's up to governmments and millonaires, aka the people with power, and it's almost impossible to get that power with good intentions and not sell out. So it seems I've also become quite the pessimist. Probably because I see more bad than good, and more people who don't give a fuck than those that do. (god I'm so idealistic)
I'll end on that note, no? It's good to be back (on livejournal that is).
But I feel as if study abroad happend 5 years ago.
See everyone soon. I hope.
So I just went back and read some old journal entries of mine (ok, and some other peoples, yes I'm a creep) and it struck me how much I've changed the past few years. For instance, updating livejournals? My friends page is pretty empty, and while this might be lame I miss reading people's entries. So I hope some of you enjoy seeing me back.
Anyway, time for some long needed emo reflection (mostly about how I've changed):
-It's interesting to note how close I've been to some people who I barely even talk to anymore. I guess on study abroad I did a lot of reminiscing about the past (my way of being homesick and emo about growing up I supppose). Although my relationships have changed and I have changed, just know that if you're reading this I've probably missed you at some point, even though now we might not be able to relate, you've probably changed my life at least a little.
-Sometimes I truly wonder how the hell I came out of my family. While I have some of their quirkyness, sense of humor, and basic values...on a deeper level I've become almost completely different. I can't stand going to church anymore and it's hard for me to pretend to believe that shit. Study abroad (not living at home, being away from my friends) has allowed me to really be honest with myself. I want to come out of the atheist closet, but holy shit it's hard. This faith in atheism has affected how I view my life. If there's nothing after life, then I better fucking live it up. Yes I drink til I puke sometimes, yes I smoke pot, yes I have sex, no I don't believe in god. I'm still a decent person.
-While being emo abroad, I've realized some things that I don't like about myself. How would I describe myself? Genuine and honest would not be the first few words to come to mind. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm a good person. I take the easy way out of most things. Sometimes I am so insecure. The truth is I care about what people think of me, how they view me. Sometimes I wonder if I will forever be alone (the pinacle of emo). To find someone that I like enough to appreciate their flaws, and for them to feel the same about me. I guess they say you need to be completely ok with yourself to love someone. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm too insecure to even allow myself to like someone.
-I am worried about still being able to relate to people now. It was harder before. Its harder times 10 now. While on study abroad you feel so special, like you're so cool for doing this. The problem is you get back and no one gives a fuck. You are changed and wanting to share all these cool things, but nothing changes here (at home). You are not special. I am now too cool for school and honestly no one cares. I am excited (to say the least), but a little worried about going back to school. I feel a little out of the loop and that intimidates me.
-My priorites have changed. This is all we have. I may die tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy life and make as much of a positive impact I can. Do I want to spend another 7 years of the prime of my life in school. For what? A phD? Why is that important? I could be doing cool shit all over the world (I dunno, like developing organic farms in Mexico, helping an AIDS orphanage in Thailand, etc.). Is education really so important? And yes I have good intentions for my career, but really, what is important? I can also tell you that shit like soccer is totally insignificant. Yes I enjoy playing it, but honestly. (this goes back to still being able to relate to people).
-Basically, our world is fucked beyond repair. There is so much poverty, corruption, injustice, selfishness, apathy, etc. fucking everywhere. and it's reassuring to know that nothing I do will ever really make a difference. Yes, I can recycle, I can volunteer at a suicide hotline, I can donate money to whatever charity, I can "do the right thing", I can buy from good companies, I can help little poor mexican woman with their farm...but really, I have no power and very little impact. It's up to governmments and millonaires, aka the people with power, and it's almost impossible to get that power with good intentions and not sell out. So it seems I've also become quite the pessimist. Probably because I see more bad than good, and more people who don't give a fuck than those that do. (god I'm so idealistic)
I'll end on that note, no? It's good to be back (on livejournal that is).
But I feel as if study abroad happend 5 years ago.
See everyone soon. I hope.