Will it ever be enough?
As I sit here and reflect on my life..i'm disgusted. This is not how it was supposed to be, I didn't imagine it this way. And some people might say I'm just having another pity party but I'm not, I'm really wondering how the fuck it turned out this way.
I should have known better when it came to him. Christ last time we were together I ended up in the ward when it ended..think that should have clued me in that it was a bad idea. I should have never did what I did...I should have just let it go and forgot everything when it came to him. People keep saying that one day he'll tell me why, but I don't foresee this ever happening. He doesn't hate me...just can't be around me. I'd rather he hated me, maybe it would easier then.
Did I imagine everything when it came to him? I'm starting to even doubt that it happend the way I think it did. Was I the only one who saw the love in his eyes when he looked at me? I didn't imagine that he wanted to be with me all the time right? It wasn't all just in my head? Maybe the sister was right and I'm just fucking insane...because I thought he loved me, for the first time since Nick died I thought a guy could love me and want to spend their life. But who am I kidding...I know they just leave in the end, some more gone than others but gone none the less. Even Nick...he left forever.
I'm still wondering how he could do that to me...to us. We had so many plans for our lives...we were going to get out of here, get married, have a life of our own. But like I said..they all leave in the end.
I look around see so many people that have someone...some of them don't deserve it. I did everything I could for her and this is how she repays me. She already has one child she can't take care of and she's having another one...and whatever higher power there is takes mine away from me. How is that fair? But I'm the bad person because I couldn't take her shit anymore and was sick of being her slave.
And then there is my poor sister. As if she hasn't been through enough, so called friend are attacking her for things she is doing. Where in the hell where these people when she really needed them? Because they weren't there helping her. What right do they have to pass judgement when they have no idea what she has went through the past 18 years. They need to take a long look in the mirror before they open their mouths again, or they are going to have to deal with me..and I don't have much left to lose.
When will it be enough? Why does shit keep getting thrown at me and this family? What did we do to deserve all of this? What did I do wrong to curse my family? Sometimes I wonder if they would be better off if I just dissapeared.
Where did this all go wrong....and will it ever be right?
I should have known better when it came to him. Christ last time we were together I ended up in the ward when it ended..think that should have clued me in that it was a bad idea. I should have never did what I did...I should have just let it go and forgot everything when it came to him. People keep saying that one day he'll tell me why, but I don't foresee this ever happening. He doesn't hate me...just can't be around me. I'd rather he hated me, maybe it would easier then.
Did I imagine everything when it came to him? I'm starting to even doubt that it happend the way I think it did. Was I the only one who saw the love in his eyes when he looked at me? I didn't imagine that he wanted to be with me all the time right? It wasn't all just in my head? Maybe the sister was right and I'm just fucking insane...because I thought he loved me, for the first time since Nick died I thought a guy could love me and want to spend their life. But who am I kidding...I know they just leave in the end, some more gone than others but gone none the less. Even Nick...he left forever.
I'm still wondering how he could do that to me...to us. We had so many plans for our lives...we were going to get out of here, get married, have a life of our own. But like I said..they all leave in the end.
I look around see so many people that have someone...some of them don't deserve it. I did everything I could for her and this is how she repays me. She already has one child she can't take care of and she's having another one...and whatever higher power there is takes mine away from me. How is that fair? But I'm the bad person because I couldn't take her shit anymore and was sick of being her slave.
And then there is my poor sister. As if she hasn't been through enough, so called friend are attacking her for things she is doing. Where in the hell where these people when she really needed them? Because they weren't there helping her. What right do they have to pass judgement when they have no idea what she has went through the past 18 years. They need to take a long look in the mirror before they open their mouths again, or they are going to have to deal with me..and I don't have much left to lose.
When will it be enough? Why does shit keep getting thrown at me and this family? What did we do to deserve all of this? What did I do wrong to curse my family? Sometimes I wonder if they would be better off if I just dissapeared.
Where did this all go wrong....and will it ever be right?