Too many thoughts
Arg! Okay sometimes I just think too damn much. Have you ever wanted someone to be proud of you? How about people who don't have it in them to be proud of anyone and even though you know you can't impress them you feel compelled to try? Well, guess what I'm driving at... Okay so I am thinking about family and how once it would be nice to be able to prove to them that I am not a failure or a quiter. Maybe even shove it in their faces that if they weren't such negative, uptight and miserable people that they could have been as happy and successful in life as me. So now I just have to accomplish something, or at least something that might count as an accomplishment to them, to show them that they've had the wrong idea about how life should work all along and that I was right. That they shouldn't have shit on my every idea, discouraged my every goal and dream. That maybe because they are so miserable they should have taken that as a clue that they don't know what they're talking about. If only the thought would stop there...
Then I think so what if I do something to impress them and prove that I am right, so what? Even if it showed them where they went wrong all those years in their own lives and with me.. Would it matter? Would or could they change their own attitudes? Stop hurting themselves and eachother? Or stop hurting me? My mom has apologized to me... She has apologized for "yelling a lot" and "not really paying a lot of attention to me"... I was talking to her about my writing and how I plan on entering some contests and she actually seemed quite positive and told me that she always felt that I had a talent with that and should do something with it. I told her that was funny because I could remember her telling me that whatever I did, I had better not tell her that I wanted to be a writer like my father had failed to do. I was placated with a "yeah" and a complete disregard for what I just said as she continued the conversation as if I hadn't said anything at all. So I'm curious, what exactly was she apologizing for on those other occasions? Does she even know? I'll tell you what I think. I think she is sorry that she feels bad and that if she apologizes to me then that will help her.
It's too late. They can't change the things they've done and they way they lived their lives. They ran out of time to stop being afraid and go after what they want. They run out the important years of thier lives. I might not even have time to finish some of the things that I plan on doing , impressive to them or not, before they kick off. My mom has been acting like she could die at any moment since her massive heart attack 6 years ago. She has congestive heart failure and says that the doctors told her that her heart received a lot of damage that cannot be mended... I don't know what's what with this... but I know that she uses it. She uses it for guilt and attention getting purposes and I am VERY tired of hearing about it. My grandmother is also quite sick. She has -no- esophagus, which means that she can eat only tiny amounts because acid always has free range to splash up into her chest and throat. In addition to that she took to much medication a few weeks ago and she stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated on the way to the hospital. And, my grandfather is receiving chemo for colan cancer.
I'm afraid that it's going to be like freakin dominos... that I am going to lose them one after the other all at once and this is the calm before the storm. And that REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Damn them! They f*cked everything up! They were supposed to see me grow up and be smart and successful and beautiful and everything that they would have wanted for me to be but were just too messed up to ever let me know and then they were supposed to change! Yes that's right I said change! (This is my upset and unrealistic rant so it doesn't have to sound possible) They were supposed to be inspired and change their lives so that maybe they could be a little happier and then they could let themselves be happier for me. And maybe I could be proud of them right back. I want to be proud too. But it's too late! And I'm really frustrated and angry about that. I never got the opportunity find my dad after I grew up (a plan I had until he died from the age of 5) and talk to him, yell at him or hug him for that matter... I felt cheated then and I feel cheated now. The closest thing I have to a supportive family member is actually a former teacher of mine who, surprisingly hasn't gone away and still makes time for me. Someday I will lose this and I will be very upset but till then I have something to be very greatfull for.
Dispite all this negativity, many people have surprised me in this world. They've reasured me that everything isn't cold, and pretense and bullshit. That there are real people that don't always wear more than one face and who care about others without wondering what's in it for them... Who listen and don't just wait for their turn to speak. And give their time and heart because it's needed. That is the kind of person I want to be. That is the sort of thing that I am close to accomplishing... The sad part is, in my family I'm not sure that would be on their list of what counts.
Then I think so what if I do something to impress them and prove that I am right, so what? Even if it showed them where they went wrong all those years in their own lives and with me.. Would it matter? Would or could they change their own attitudes? Stop hurting themselves and eachother? Or stop hurting me? My mom has apologized to me... She has apologized for "yelling a lot" and "not really paying a lot of attention to me"... I was talking to her about my writing and how I plan on entering some contests and she actually seemed quite positive and told me that she always felt that I had a talent with that and should do something with it. I told her that was funny because I could remember her telling me that whatever I did, I had better not tell her that I wanted to be a writer like my father had failed to do. I was placated with a "yeah" and a complete disregard for what I just said as she continued the conversation as if I hadn't said anything at all. So I'm curious, what exactly was she apologizing for on those other occasions? Does she even know? I'll tell you what I think. I think she is sorry that she feels bad and that if she apologizes to me then that will help her.
It's too late. They can't change the things they've done and they way they lived their lives. They ran out of time to stop being afraid and go after what they want. They run out the important years of thier lives. I might not even have time to finish some of the things that I plan on doing , impressive to them or not, before they kick off. My mom has been acting like she could die at any moment since her massive heart attack 6 years ago. She has congestive heart failure and says that the doctors told her that her heart received a lot of damage that cannot be mended... I don't know what's what with this... but I know that she uses it. She uses it for guilt and attention getting purposes and I am VERY tired of hearing about it. My grandmother is also quite sick. She has -no- esophagus, which means that she can eat only tiny amounts because acid always has free range to splash up into her chest and throat. In addition to that she took to much medication a few weeks ago and she stopped breathing and had to be resuscitated on the way to the hospital. And, my grandfather is receiving chemo for colan cancer.
I'm afraid that it's going to be like freakin dominos... that I am going to lose them one after the other all at once and this is the calm before the storm. And that REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Damn them! They f*cked everything up! They were supposed to see me grow up and be smart and successful and beautiful and everything that they would have wanted for me to be but were just too messed up to ever let me know and then they were supposed to change! Yes that's right I said change! (This is my upset and unrealistic rant so it doesn't have to sound possible) They were supposed to be inspired and change their lives so that maybe they could be a little happier and then they could let themselves be happier for me. And maybe I could be proud of them right back. I want to be proud too. But it's too late! And I'm really frustrated and angry about that. I never got the opportunity find my dad after I grew up (a plan I had until he died from the age of 5) and talk to him, yell at him or hug him for that matter... I felt cheated then and I feel cheated now. The closest thing I have to a supportive family member is actually a former teacher of mine who, surprisingly hasn't gone away and still makes time for me. Someday I will lose this and I will be very upset but till then I have something to be very greatfull for.
Dispite all this negativity, many people have surprised me in this world. They've reasured me that everything isn't cold, and pretense and bullshit. That there are real people that don't always wear more than one face and who care about others without wondering what's in it for them... Who listen and don't just wait for their turn to speak. And give their time and heart because it's needed. That is the kind of person I want to be. That is the sort of thing that I am close to accomplishing... The sad part is, in my family I'm not sure that would be on their list of what counts.