Wow this is still here!
Hmmm.. who would have thought that after all this time this journal still exists... not to mention that I actually remember the username and password for it.
Well... Now that I'm here what shall I say... I find it rather curious how boredom while working overnights can drive a person to dig up old crap from the recesses of thier mind and look for resolution. Well that's a little criptic I suppose but I guess remembering that this site existed and then reading the journals of people I would have read back when I had created my own has brought up some interesting questions. For one... Where the F%$k are they now? That's a biggie and two... Why is it that recently I seem to have discouvered that I care.
I'm far from being the perfect friend but I do strive to be a honorable and quality one. Basicaly, I try to be there when someone needs me, I try to stand up for the people I care about and above all I try to never hurt them. I don't feel like that is particularily a lot to ask of myself and it is the sort of minimum I expect in return. I've been trying to keep my hurt to myself. I guess I've figured that was the mature thing to do. I'm probably right about that because I don't know what talking about it here would actually accomplish. I'm not even sure what I would want it to accomplish but at any rate I've been thinking about them lately and am bothered by this. I want to get it out. I want to scream out my anger. At them. I need closure.
I'm angry. That's right I am really fu#Kng pissed off. This is late. All of it... because of my silence... and the moment has long since past where I can just call and say "hey, what's up..." But I need this out and I want it loud.
1."R" I didn't know... I had no idea... Only strange coments that seemed to have no place in my reality and cryptic remarks were my clues. Then I figured it out and then dismissed it. That can't be possible I said to myself... She wouldn't do that to me. I cried on her shoulder. For months I cried and shared my innermost fears and doubts, anger and feelings over this man. Then you stoped calling. You stoped hanging out altogether. You sent me emails saying this is my new info but if you don't want to stay in touch I'll understand... Actually I have my timeline off... That email was one of the cryptic clues that lead me to what was happening. So, how is it? Hmm? Are you happy? Is he everything you hoped he could be? Do you sleep well at night by his side as he snores... of course he snores less now that he has the oxygen for his sleep apnia. The condition he didn't even know he had until I told him. You know... from all of those nights that *I* was the one sleeping beside him. The funny part is I'm not jeolous... I wouldn't want that piece of crap back for the world... I'm hurt by you. You were supposed to be my friend. I'm not the most outwardly demonstrative person but you were the one who was all about hugs and affection even amongst friends... I felt as though I was valued... Important. I guess not. I suppose he told you all of his best lines... probably. He can be very charming. No doubt he told you that you were the kind of girl he could really see himself marrying or that out of all the girls in the group you were always the most attractive to him... Maybe he told you all of his sob stories and explained how broken he was and how amazing it is for you to be staying up all night on the phone sharing all of this. Well... If you've ever wondered if this is what he says to all the girls... then you're right. Just for the record let me say one thing. That man ate up almost 6 years of my life... that is the majority of my twenties... Now that I'm thirty I think of the waste it was. All the better, hotter, cooler guys I passed up for a used up child. Problem was I was too young to tell. Good luck sweetheart. You'll need it. You'll have to excuse all of this anger. I probably wouldn't feel any anger at all excepts that I miss you. If I didn't I would not only be angry but I wouldn't care.
2."C" I've tried to contact you. I feel like you just decided that I didn't matter. I don't fit into your circle anymore. I think maybe it must seem less complicated to cut me out and just remain friends with "R". I suppose it is. Perhaps she's been a better friend to you over the years than I have. Perhaps I've somehow pissed you off... You never said anything so there is no way I can know. I miss you too and I am sad that you are gone. I think sometimes I'm angry but tonight I'm just sad.
You know... I was going to complain some more but really I'm just kinda tired... I think I've gotten out what I needed to get out. Odds are just as the two of you have cut me out of your lives I doubt that you would ever think to read this so again this is probably just for me. I just needed to shout my pain from the rooftop... even if the roof I was on was the only one for miles.
later
Well... Now that I'm here what shall I say... I find it rather curious how boredom while working overnights can drive a person to dig up old crap from the recesses of thier mind and look for resolution. Well that's a little criptic I suppose but I guess remembering that this site existed and then reading the journals of people I would have read back when I had created my own has brought up some interesting questions. For one... Where the F%$k are they now? That's a biggie and two... Why is it that recently I seem to have discouvered that I care.
I'm far from being the perfect friend but I do strive to be a honorable and quality one. Basicaly, I try to be there when someone needs me, I try to stand up for the people I care about and above all I try to never hurt them. I don't feel like that is particularily a lot to ask of myself and it is the sort of minimum I expect in return. I've been trying to keep my hurt to myself. I guess I've figured that was the mature thing to do. I'm probably right about that because I don't know what talking about it here would actually accomplish. I'm not even sure what I would want it to accomplish but at any rate I've been thinking about them lately and am bothered by this. I want to get it out. I want to scream out my anger. At them. I need closure.
I'm angry. That's right I am really fu#Kng pissed off. This is late. All of it... because of my silence... and the moment has long since past where I can just call and say "hey, what's up..." But I need this out and I want it loud.
1."R" I didn't know... I had no idea... Only strange coments that seemed to have no place in my reality and cryptic remarks were my clues. Then I figured it out and then dismissed it. That can't be possible I said to myself... She wouldn't do that to me. I cried on her shoulder. For months I cried and shared my innermost fears and doubts, anger and feelings over this man. Then you stoped calling. You stoped hanging out altogether. You sent me emails saying this is my new info but if you don't want to stay in touch I'll understand... Actually I have my timeline off... That email was one of the cryptic clues that lead me to what was happening. So, how is it? Hmm? Are you happy? Is he everything you hoped he could be? Do you sleep well at night by his side as he snores... of course he snores less now that he has the oxygen for his sleep apnia. The condition he didn't even know he had until I told him. You know... from all of those nights that *I* was the one sleeping beside him. The funny part is I'm not jeolous... I wouldn't want that piece of crap back for the world... I'm hurt by you. You were supposed to be my friend. I'm not the most outwardly demonstrative person but you were the one who was all about hugs and affection even amongst friends... I felt as though I was valued... Important. I guess not. I suppose he told you all of his best lines... probably. He can be very charming. No doubt he told you that you were the kind of girl he could really see himself marrying or that out of all the girls in the group you were always the most attractive to him... Maybe he told you all of his sob stories and explained how broken he was and how amazing it is for you to be staying up all night on the phone sharing all of this. Well... If you've ever wondered if this is what he says to all the girls... then you're right. Just for the record let me say one thing. That man ate up almost 6 years of my life... that is the majority of my twenties... Now that I'm thirty I think of the waste it was. All the better, hotter, cooler guys I passed up for a used up child. Problem was I was too young to tell. Good luck sweetheart. You'll need it. You'll have to excuse all of this anger. I probably wouldn't feel any anger at all excepts that I miss you. If I didn't I would not only be angry but I wouldn't care.
2."C" I've tried to contact you. I feel like you just decided that I didn't matter. I don't fit into your circle anymore. I think maybe it must seem less complicated to cut me out and just remain friends with "R". I suppose it is. Perhaps she's been a better friend to you over the years than I have. Perhaps I've somehow pissed you off... You never said anything so there is no way I can know. I miss you too and I am sad that you are gone. I think sometimes I'm angry but tonight I'm just sad.
You know... I was going to complain some more but really I'm just kinda tired... I think I've gotten out what I needed to get out. Odds are just as the two of you have cut me out of your lives I doubt that you would ever think to read this so again this is probably just for me. I just needed to shout my pain from the rooftop... even if the roof I was on was the only one for miles.
later