Maybe I Should Kill Myself (an Elena Gilbert 4x06 meta)
So, remember how I just had an Elena appreciation week and vomited tons of feelings? Yeah. I'm just gonna keep doing that. Only without gifs this time (by all means, feel free to gifspam me), because I can't be fucked to spend five hours sorting through all the screams and flail on my tumblr dash. I WILL DO IT AFTER MY BRAIN STOPS SCREAMING. Which
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I'M EXCITED
Elena's journey into the heart of darkness (=into the self) begins with repeating the most horrid (from her perspective) thing Damon has ever done to her, and ends with jumping off the Wickery Bridge TOGETHER WITH DAMON. After the hallucinations have stopped and Elena's painful crawl through her guilt and self-loathing is over, there is still her deepest fear to confront. And they both literally jump into this fear, because that's the only way she can survive. Because D/E is not, in its core, about the relationship between Elena and Damon, it's about how Elena and Damon hold up mirrors to each other and force each other to look into those mirrors. It's about being forced to look at this version of the self that is covered in brother's blood. About embracing each other and jumping into the greatest horror together. About being there when the other person says “I don't deserve to live”. About crawling out of those moments of self-destruction hand-in-hand, because, fuck you, THEY WILL SURVIVE THIS. They always do.
Damon even washes Jeremy's blood off Elena's floor. #what does your ship do?
I can't. I CANNOT. HOW DO YOU META, MARTA. HOW IN THE HELL. SCREEAAAAAMMMMMM.
(“This is my brother's blood on my hands, Stefan! I stabbed him in the neck last night, so forgive me if I'm not in the mood to listen to you try to talk your way out of this!” - How long do you think she's been pushing thoughts like that out of her mind?)
I just. want to marry this.
Her own brain repeating, over and over again, that she's a monster, she doesn't deserve to live, Stefan doesn't love her, SHE DOESN'T EVEN EXIST (“I was you before you even existed”).
It reminds me tangentially of a line from one of Alex's fics? How she's been a fraud long before any of this came into her life. Katherine's existence makes her a fraud.
Is anyone still wondering why Elena was clinging to this persona for so fucking long?
n o p e. Elena Gilbert hates every version of herself, and the Good Girl has been the only one she could construct with approval, without disappointment. This makes her "worth it." Maybe. Like "Katherine" said.
Because after she gets out of the water, it suddenly MATTERS that she doesn't trust him. She's so calm and unapologetic in that breakup scene. There's no conflict anymore. She doesn't trust him, she doesn't want him, and it finally matters.
OH MAN. oh man oh man.
He identifies her fear (= finds her on Wickery Bridge), leaps right into it without hesitation, and then cracks a dumb joke about teenage suicide when she's trying to thank him (on a side note: I LOVED how Damon kept making jokes all the time. Taking off the edge, taking off the drama, making himself unimportant, because this so wasn't about him). He saved her life and she's not in his debt, because less than a year ago she did the very same thing for him. D/E is not about gratitude, and this episode wasn't about Elena Gilbert finding her new savior.
It was about Elena Gilbert finding herself.
AMEN BRB DYING
omg HEY I'M A TAG HERE???
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VOMIT.
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lkasjf ALL THE VOMIT
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who the fuck even are you
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