As 2008 comes to a close...
As 2008 comes to a close (finally), I have to ask myself: am I wiser? How has 2008 changed me, and have I changed for the better? My job, my relationship status (or lack thereof) and my home have all changed from the beginning of 2008 to the end. I feel like I've lost a sense of self during the shuffle that was this year.
And what a horrible, horrendous year it was. The sad part is that I actually don't feel any wiser or better because of it. What have I learned? Because of all the heartbreak, disappointment and failures my relationships have suffered. The relationship I have with myself has suffered. I feel jaded, bitter, hurt, scared, angry, confused, distant, lost, hopeless, ashamed, and alone. Oh, and did I mentioned depressed?
Sometimes I surprise myself with optimism. It comes and goes of course, but the truth of the matter is that at the end of this very poignant year (for myself and for my country) - each of us has to ask ourselves....am I happy?
The scary truth is that no, I'm not happy. 2008 has been an extremely difficult year for many people, myself included. I wish I could bounce back to my old ignorance. The pain I experienced this year... I can't even put into words. It wasn't black and white. There was no right answer. There are no words.
I wanted to reach out to people. To my friends, my family. But I couldn't quite describe or put into words what I needed. I thought I knew; I guess I still don't. And even after all the misfortune that happened this last spring and summer, come fall and winter I started making foolish mistakes. I thought I knew better. Yet I became self-destructive. My own enemy.
Some things about me have remained unchanged. I still have a shoebox that holds every letter and card I've received since I was ten. I still cherish my Westport postcards. The five wedding garters also have their place in a shoebox. There are still some traces and evidence of my old self. Tucked and safely hidden from view.
I really don't want to celebrate New Year's. No goals or resolutions this year. I do, however, want to celebrate the fact that I have survived. I'm still breathing. Even when I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, that my heart was so heavy that I could barely move....somehow eventually I did. That's probably my best accomplishment this year.
My wish for 2009 is that I start being the very best person I can be. I want to put my best foot forward. Isn't that the only thing that we can do? Despite all pitfalls, the only thing any of us can try and do is simply be our very best selves. Keep trying. Do your best. It sounds so elementary and juvenile, but I think I wasn't listening enough in school to really understand it. Do your very best. Be the best person you can be. Its profound and beautiful. That's my hope for next year. Even if I fall and make mistakes next year, I really and truly want to try and do my very best next year.
My love to all of you. Thank you for supporting me and being there for me this year. I wish the best for you, and for the ones you love.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
And what a horrible, horrendous year it was. The sad part is that I actually don't feel any wiser or better because of it. What have I learned? Because of all the heartbreak, disappointment and failures my relationships have suffered. The relationship I have with myself has suffered. I feel jaded, bitter, hurt, scared, angry, confused, distant, lost, hopeless, ashamed, and alone. Oh, and did I mentioned depressed?
Sometimes I surprise myself with optimism. It comes and goes of course, but the truth of the matter is that at the end of this very poignant year (for myself and for my country) - each of us has to ask ourselves....am I happy?
The scary truth is that no, I'm not happy. 2008 has been an extremely difficult year for many people, myself included. I wish I could bounce back to my old ignorance. The pain I experienced this year... I can't even put into words. It wasn't black and white. There was no right answer. There are no words.
I wanted to reach out to people. To my friends, my family. But I couldn't quite describe or put into words what I needed. I thought I knew; I guess I still don't. And even after all the misfortune that happened this last spring and summer, come fall and winter I started making foolish mistakes. I thought I knew better. Yet I became self-destructive. My own enemy.
Some things about me have remained unchanged. I still have a shoebox that holds every letter and card I've received since I was ten. I still cherish my Westport postcards. The five wedding garters also have their place in a shoebox. There are still some traces and evidence of my old self. Tucked and safely hidden from view.
I really don't want to celebrate New Year's. No goals or resolutions this year. I do, however, want to celebrate the fact that I have survived. I'm still breathing. Even when I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, that my heart was so heavy that I could barely move....somehow eventually I did. That's probably my best accomplishment this year.
My wish for 2009 is that I start being the very best person I can be. I want to put my best foot forward. Isn't that the only thing that we can do? Despite all pitfalls, the only thing any of us can try and do is simply be our very best selves. Keep trying. Do your best. It sounds so elementary and juvenile, but I think I wasn't listening enough in school to really understand it. Do your very best. Be the best person you can be. Its profound and beautiful. That's my hope for next year. Even if I fall and make mistakes next year, I really and truly want to try and do my very best next year.
My love to all of you. Thank you for supporting me and being there for me this year. I wish the best for you, and for the ones you love.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.