(no subject)
I don't even know who reads this or not. I don't know if anything I ever write even means anything. I have tonight gotten to the point where it just doesn't matter anymore. Whether I meet Brent or not is unknown. I don't know if it does matter. I will keep doing the club but I would imagine other people could do it much better than I ever could. I am in a horrid state anymore, a state that keeps going on every single day. And people find it either a joke or they think i'm a bitch for it, for shutting them out. And no one understands the real reason why I do live at all, even myself probably doesn't actually get it. I don't know anymore I hurt so much that I can't stand it. I've figured as much by now that i've just been a pest to him rather than done any specific good. I've tried so hard, but I don't know how I feel about it anymore. I just feel like everything I do anymore just hurts. I've refused to see people for several nights, barely gone out my entire vacation because I can't bring myself to be around people anymore. For some reason, it hurts too much. People have told me to buck up for so long that i'm starting to believe it. I'm just good for being strong. I had this horrible dream yesterday, pretty sure I knew what it meant. I don't know...i've barely slept anymore. I can't, when I try sometimes...I just cry. And every night its guaranteed that I will cry my eyes out. Fuck, i'm doing it again. I cared so much about this whole Brent thing that I devoted myself to it and now its like some of it is taking a backseat because my mind is all fucked. I have barely any friends and no love to speak of. Half the time I refuse to even see my friends because I dislike myself too much. I don't even understand why anymore, why I cry...and why I have to feel like this. I don't think it really matters anymore. I wonder if I can even get through these last few months just to graduate...me even graduating might already be fucked as it is. Jesus, I don't know anymore....I just know I can't sleep because I bawl my eyes out when I do. I refused to see someone tomorrow who wanted to hang with me because...well i'm too afraid to involve myself in relationships, for fear I will get hurt. I dunno. Brent is wonderful, but I never should have bothered him so much or assumed I could even be around him. It was a retarded assumption to begin with. One that is pretty much thrown into the trash of things I would have figured never would happen. Screw dreams, I probably don't have any anymore anyway. If I don't get the money, New York is pretty much tossed. I don't know anymore. I don't understand anything. I don't understand why I have to hurt like this and why things have to be this way. Even when I make friendships, I choke because I don't know what to do. I don't understand how to even do it anymore. There's just something wrong with me and I just expect everyone to laugh at me for it anymore. For my crying or whatever else. I have done nothing but hurt people from what I can tell. I'm so confused.