Attempt to Get Out Everything...
I have assumed for most of my life and for the rest of my life that I am going to be alone. I can't stop crying right now. I don't do it all the time, just when I am left alone at certain times...and ponder too much just how much it really doesn't matter to be the person I am, because i'm just treated like shit. It just hits me at certain points...all the time. Its so hard to be this person I've constructed for myself to be, as individual and as weird as she is considered to be. I've never fit anywhere and all i've felt is isolated from the world. Sometimes crying myself to sleep. I'm told that I need a shrink or that there's something wrong with me, but all that's wrong is that i'm alone...all the time, everyday. That's my problem and there's nothing to fix it. Even if I open up to people, I feel absolutely in vain. Being in a small town and going through every single day being absolutely frustrated with the person I am, because no one will embrace it. And no one wants to be around me for any reason. And I haven't ever really had anyone to ever love me. It kills me inside everyday to have to live with that. The feeling of hurting so much deep inside that you just can't take it, because no one attempts to understand who you are and when you try to figure out things, they just fall apart. I've barely found comfort in anything anymore and any time I do anything I end up being told i'm weird or obcessive or need help. Because I do so much work and put so much time into a club about a person I care about, because he's such an interesting person. I'm so retarded for it. I know no one is ever going to want me. Its obvious. Why should I even assume otherwise? I feel like everything I've done or everything I do turns to dust. I wonder if New York should even be an option anymore or if i'm just fooling myself. I'm never going to be with anyone. There's no way. I won't allow myself anymore and its all my self punishment, all because I can't be the person that would be loved. I barely feel like doing anything anymore. Anything I have loved, just gets thrown back in my face. And I can't find peace with myself no matter how hard I try. I just want to sit up tonight all night. Not sleep at all. And think and think and think.........Anything I thought really meant something to me, I think I've just...hurt in the long run. I made myself such a doofus with what i've written to Brent and I don't think its good that I see him. I've fucked things up. I don't think its a good idea anymore. I thought it was, but I guess not. I don't know....I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm so lost its not even funny. I have no clear direction on anything...everything is muddled and I don't feel like I want to be around people, for days if possible. I just don't feel like being social anymore. Like pretending I really am all enthused with life when I'm not. A lot of people just think i'm doing all this for attention...but I feel trapped is the real thing. I feel trapped within myself and within the outside world. I feel trapped in being anyone or anything to anyone. I don't feel that anyone would really want a part in that. I will get over it. I'm not going to be a part of anyone's world for a long time coming. And I'm not expecting love ever. I want to be loved, but its not going to happen. I will walk every single road alone I figure. I don't know what else to say. I care too much about Brent and at the same time, I look like an idiot doing it. I guess all I ever wanted was someone to talk to that would really want to talk to me. And now, I just don't think its possible anymore with anyone. I don't see a point. Goodnight.